I hope it's okay to post this here, if not, Juliemam, feel free to let me know to move it to the thunderdome board. Have a little problem and was wondering how you would handle this.

I have a cousin who lives in Florida. A few days ago she sent me an email informing me that she, her husband and her son would be coming to my state for a week July 10-17th. Let me just say that we used to be really close, I was her MOH in her wedding and spoiled her rotten, then when she adopted her son I went crazy buying things for him and fussing over him. I've always gone above and beyond for her in many, many ways.

The last time she came to town, I had to play chauffer and drive her all over the place, feed and entertain her and her family. Not a thank you, not an offer to even pay for gas when I drove her around for about 200 miles, not even bringing a dessert with her to my home (and believe me she was raised to do these things, so she knows better). Ok, fine. When I was married a few years ago, she didn't come to my wedding, no excuse just "sorry we can't come" She never sent not even a wedding card (forget about a gift, just a card would have been nice) and I guess that has left me slightly bitter. We've grown apart over the past few years because as she said she's been "busy with her son". So now, she's coming to town and really wants to see me and wants to meet my husband. They are flying in with NO car rental, so it would be up to me to go fetch them wherever they are staying and bring them here then transport them back to wherever-and I seriously just can't. I can't!!!

She knows I am pregnant and hasn't checked in to see how things are going, not once. When I told her I was PG the first thing out of her mouth was not even congratulations, it was "did you finally do IVF?" I kid you not!

I emailed her back and told her I havent been feeling well the past few weeks and not up to visitors and that I'm sorry but we would have to "play it by ear" and her tone in her email back to me was "icy" She said "we're going to be here a week, we would like to come over, why are you being like this?" AHHHH!!!

The thing is, my husband works right now 7 days a week. I've been really sick during the day for the past 4 weeks and just cannot handle the three of them in my home right now- I can't. I haven't even had friends over, I have been feeling that sick. Her son is hyper and destructive and I will have to stress about my dog because he goes CRAZY, and of course, prepping food and cleaning up and having them here for hours, I just don't have the energy for them (they are INCREDIBLY draining, I wish I could explain). I can't drive right now even to the market and I am not able to go to where they are and play chauffer, which she has already hinted at me doing while they're in town (and I refuse to have my husband do it, either). Also, driving to meet them someplace "public" is out of the question because 1. I can't drive myself right now and 2. Even if Dh comes with me, we will be expected to foot the bill for them- and you know what? I don't want to spend one dime on them anymore. Is that bad? My husband and I don't even go out to eat anymore, because with a baby on the way and me not working, every penny counts. I sort of feel bad, at the same time, I'm sort of pissed off because I feel she is being inconsiderate and also, I'm tired of spending money on her and her family every time they come here.

I know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am, but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me. At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone.

Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.

First, good luck on your NT scan!!! So exciting! I'm sure you will do great! Please give us an update afterwards!

Second, as for your quandary, I agree with your instinct to take care of yourself first and know your limits. I think maybe if it were me, I might make a compromise by replying to say that I'd be happy to meet them at a cheapish restaurant at the end of their trip (so you don't get roped into being a chauffeur) near where they're staying so you don't have to pick them up. I would state in the email that as much as you'd like to treat them to dinner while they're visiting, you're unfortunately on a tight budget with the baby coming and you'd have to go dutch. Then she knows the deal up front and the ball is in her court. That's probably what I would do, but if you really can't stand to see them at all, you need to go with what you need. Sorry- I really can't stand dealing with draining, one-sided relationships either. I've cut a few of those relationships out of my life in the past, but it's hard (and not terribly desirable) to cut out a family member... Just my 2 cents.

Most importantly, good luck today!!!

Thanks for a quick and insightful reply Erin!!! That's a good option, setting the expectation with her before and letting her decide. Will be interesting to see what she does with that. I can just see her showing up to dinner and "oh gosh we forgot our credit card..pay you back" Yup she would totally do that. Good idea though, I like that! I will run this by hubby and see what he thinks. (I know he's going to say "its up to you") LOL

And thank you for the wishes for a good scan- I'm so-o-o nervous!!! I know she said the blood work will take a few days to get back but I'm scared for the scan. I will definitely update later. Is yours next week? I hope you have a great 4th of July tomorrow!! Stay cool! xoxo

Maybe before you get seated you can make sure to ask if she brought her credit card and turn and run the other way if she didn't . I think it's good to spell it out and let her decide. Then she's the b!tch if she says no!

My scan is a week from Thursday. I had a doppler yesterday to make sure everything is still okay because we are going to visit my grandparents and big Italian family for fourth of July and are going to tell them I'm pregnant. I'm excited and scared to let the cat out of the bag, and ideally I'd wait a week or two (I'm 11 and a 1/2 wks pg), but this is when we're going and hopefully it will be okay.

Good luck today! I am sure you will do wonderfully. Enjoy those good, long shots of your little one! Can't wait to hear how it goes!

Oh Erin, this is SO EXCITING!! It will be a great thing telling them, they will all be very happy and supportive! I bet you're going to feel so glad when they know too, it's nice to have the love and support of family. You are going to have to post their reaction when you tell them the amazing news!!! I can't wait to spill the beans to the rest of my family, it's been hard talking to people all this time and not telling.

I hope all goes well today and I will give all the details later. (PS I'm still on my P4 3x a day, so much for weaning at week 12 but I am going to ask for her to test it today and my goal is to start weaning next week)

And for the cousin, you're right..with her I am going to have to spell it all out. Endless!!

Ugh...she does sound very draining. I agree with what Erin said and think her suggestion is a great one. I know what you mean about being a people pleaser and wanting to accommodate everyone, but there comes a point where you have to say "enough is enough." Especially now, you have got to put your well being (physically and emotionally) first, and if she can't understand that, then that isn't someone you need to waste the energy on.

I would try honesty and tell her straight up that you are too sick to have company and can't drive or get around because of it. I think playing it by ear is the right thing to do, because you aren't going to know how you will feel a week from now and can't make any definite plans. Instead of meeting them at a restaurant and possibly getting stuck with the bill, is there a park nearby you could meet them at? Then her son could play and you could visit with her without the worry of having to spend any money...or just meet for ice cream or something really low key?

Nobody can fault you for being too sick for company, nor should you even feel guilty about it. As much as you can, try not to let her comments get to you. She shouldn't be expecting anything from you, much less making you feel badly about it. She should be concerned about you!!!

Good luck with your NT scan!!! I can't wait to hear your update. (FYI...my b/w took two weeks to come back, but the scan measurement was reassuring.)

xo

Everything Erin said was right. Maybe throw in that you don't feel comfortable driving them around since you're so sick, especially since one is a child. (does he need a car seat or is he older?) just be honest and don't feel guilty. She probably won't understand but that's not your problem. Your problem right now is that you are already playing host to a much more important guest.

Can't wait to hear the news!

"know she will tell the rest of the family what a "b!tch" I am,"

and you know this and you can't stop her.

"but I guess that's okay. The older I get, the less I care about what other people think/talk of me."

EXACTLT!!!

"At the same time, I have this guilt complex. I want to please everyone."

Well, with a kind and understand heart I say this. Get over it. Your guilt comples is your downfall and your trap to get you into this kind of situation - remember I intend to be kind here but there's just no easy way to say it. People like her know about and play on others guilt complexes. So it's up to you to say - no. I'm not available and that's too bad. Get entertained somewhere else. You know enough now to know that she doesn't have your back.

"Any thoughts? Am I obligated to have them come here and entertain them even though I feel so sick right now and I don't want to deal with them?"

Hell no!!!! Well, if she's gonna rub your feet and make you lunch and do some house cleaning then yeah, you can have her over for a couple of hrs. lol.

One last thing, my Nuchal Scan is today at 12:30 and I am SUCH a wreck!! Please keep me in your thoughts. Thank you so much for reading this and any advice you have on how to deal with this situation.

GL with the scan and pls, find the courage to say "no". I did years ago and after that it only got easier such that I now have to stop and think before I respond, do I really wanna say no?

The power is in your hands. Take it and do what you need to do for YOU and too bad for who else doesn't like it. You know you're doing it from a good place, not a place of using others.

Z.

typing too fast. Sorry for all the typos and bad english.

Z.

Zakia, I appreciate your honesty and telling it to me like it is, I really appreciate that and respect that. That's a true friend (I know we aren't friends in real life but I wish I had more friends in my life who tell it like it is) You're right.

No worries about the typos.

Laura, her son is 6. I don't think a car seat needed- not sure at 6 do they sit in a booster? Oh my gosh I have SO much to learn, lol.

I need to get over wanting to please everyone. Laura is right I have a much more important person I need to host right now.

Bottom line- I don't feel like going out of my way for her when she has never gone out of her way for me, even in consideration to ask me "how are you feeling"

I think you're right, I will have to just tell her "I'm really sorry we won't be able to get to see you this trip, I'm just not feeling well and I have to take care of the baby growing inside me first and foremost" and you are all correct, I don't owe any explanation.

Thanks for your thoughts you all made me feel less guilty about having to do anything. I actually feel less stressed about this right now. Thank you again. I am running now with DH off to this scan and I will post an update in a few hours!

In-laws were coming to visit about 3 weeks after DD was born.

We specifically told them not to come after a specific time because I would be pumping and DD needed a nap. In those early days, you try to stick to a schedule for your sanity!

Well - they showed up EARLY... minutes after I had started pumping...

I hid in the bedroom while they sat outside on the porch.

They knew I was home and kept banging on the door.

I finished pumping and doing my thing and let them in the door.

It was a HOT day so the FIL wasn't doing well sitting out in the heat. (Why he didn't bring water - I don't know...)

I heard a few times that day how I was rude, etc. They were also upset that DD was napping and I wouldn't wake her up. (She slept another hour or two...)

He was also POed that I wouldn't lift a TV to get the pillows & blankets for them which was stored away in a chest the TV was on top of. Hey - I had just given birth! (Again - they could have brought blankets and pillows!)

Three years later - they still don't get it...

And three years later, I still don't care...

Those last two sentences..... just made me laugh out loud!!!

Good for you, you stuck to YOUR schedule.

Thanks for sharing your story, and your example! I know what I need to do now!!

XOXO

This is tricky & like you, I'm prone to being a people pleaser.

She is a taker through & through, & options for dealing with people like this are few, IMHO. They either get their way & are happy or they don't & are unhappy. There's no gray & no reasoning with them.

I would probably email her back & say, "X, I'm not trying to be difficult, but I have hyperemesis & I'm physically unable to drive or do much of anything & dh is working 7 days a week. I'm so sorry. I had hoped you would understand. I'm really, really sick. Hopefully we can meet up at a restaurant at some point, but we'll have to play it by ear."

And then give her a link to hyperemesis gravidarum unless you think she will google it on her own!

http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/hyperemesisgravidarum.html

It may be a slight exaggeration, but maybe it's not since you are pretty sick & can't drive.

I think sometimes naming the issue in a clinical way has more effect than saying you're feeling unwell.

If you do meet her, pick the restaurant yourself so you can minimize cost. It's shocking she is so inconsiderate, but since she has a track record & you can anticipate being stuck with the bill, pick a cheaper restaurant. If she protests, say that's all your budget will allow. She can take it or leave it.

I don't blame you one bit. Unfortunately, you need to decide on your boundaries & stick to them, knowing nothing less than getting her way will please her. As for complaining to the family, there's little you can do but feel free to pass along your "diagnosis" to anyone wondering. An acquaintance of mine has this severely & had to be hospitalized for dehydration with both pgs. I think most people are unaware, so give it a name for them!!

Thanks Adriane, that's a good idea to send her the diagnostic name. She's just the type to google so I will go ahead and send the link.

Truthfully, the more I think about this, the more I am getting annoyed at being "put on the spot" and feeling "pressured" One thing about me, as much as I love to please, at the same time...if someone pisses me off...watch out!!! And my patience these days is wearing real thin.

If the tables were turned she wouldn't feel bad about telling me "sorry I can't" so that being said, if I'm not feeling well next week, Im going to tell her "sorry, no can do" and she will have to deal with it. I have a feeling next week I am going to be REAL SICK, because truthfully, what would be best is if I don't see her. I have no desire to see her, at all. Sad, because she is family but- it's just how I feel with her behaviors with me in recent years. And if my husband and I are going to "splurge" on dining out, which we NEVER do, I would prefer to dine with him and him alone!

Thank you for a great idea and for writing. I can do this!!

& I don't blame you. I'd give her the diagnosis to chew on & not much else, then.

Since you don't want to. Frankly, your cousin sounds like kind of a spoiled brat . . . I would be mortified to treat people like that.

It sort of sounds like you two have a dynamic in which you give and she takes. Now is an excellent time to change that dynamic. This is actually good practice for being a parent because people try to guilt and manipulate you all the time once you have a child because they want access to that child, even if you have misgivings about the child being with that person. I have found that I have had to be firm in some uncomfortable situations for the purpose of protecting my daughter.

If you are not up to visitors, that's it, end of discussion. Family members can think whatever they want.

Just think: if a best friend described exactly the same situation to do, what would you tell her to do? That is what you should do, and when you reach that conclusion you'll know it's through logic and reason and not guilt and emotion.

Learning how to not please people all the time is also great practice for parenthood, since it is incredibly bad for your child for you to please him/her all the time. Hang in there!

Jamie, thanks! Definitely decided I will be putting my needs first and I am not going to see them at all. I'm so done! I definitely do not benefit forcing myself to do soemthing I dont want to do.
New regime. Please myself first! I am SO learning to do this even with doctors.
Thanks again and you're right..I would tell a friend "dont do it" too.
THANK YOU!
PS she is a spoiled brat indeed. obnoxious.

Teresa, you have my complete respect! You know, when you are a nice person it is so easy for people to prey on that and take advantage of it . . . by trying to accommodate her at all you probably would have had a sick feeling (on top of what you already had) and feel dread the entire week. This way you can relax and focus on yourself.

My friend also had your condition during pregnancy and I know firsthand who terrible it is. You just need to work on getting through this time without kowtowing to ridiculous demands. I mean, really, once you told your cousin about your situation her response should have been "oh, I am so sorry--what can I do for YOU?" Notice her completely selfish response instead. And seriously, what nerve, from someone who couldn't even be bothered to come to your wedding after you had been her MOH!!!!

I suspect your family members (the smarter ones) see right through her and will take it with a giant grain of salt if she does complain about you. They are probably sick of her too!

the more I think about it, the more angrier at her and her BS I'm becoming.

SO not going to feel guilty about this at all. I've gone above and beyond. The party is over. To not even have regard for my health right now. She doesnt care about me, she cares about what's in it for her.

I'm also not going to engage her should she give me a hard time about my choice.

40 for me is around the bend and I'm making some serious changes. Thanks for helping to make me feel like I can SO do this! :0)

Have a great day!

Just read above - hoping that the visit on Thursday will go splendid.

A different perspective - I would probably have them come over for a visit, but not go out of your way to drive them places, plan their day etc. When I am not feeling well I like being in my own home and during my 1st trimester I gagged trying to sit in a restaurant. If you don't feel well or need a break you can go upstairs to lie down. This will be good practice for when people want to come over to see the baby! I like the idea of sending a link to your diagnosis and when in doubt I always start the sentence with "the doctor says." Even now I start sentences with "the pediatrician says" when I don't want to deal with an argument.

I know it sounds like you have grown apart but maybe she's trying to make an effort and I always believe that it's better to leave family/friends on a good note in case I never get to see them again. I don't think it's a sign of you being a doormat or someone who can't say "no" especially if you can find the middle road and meet with them one time.

Best of Luck!!

LOL Margie - I had a similar experience w/ my ILs. I clearly remember going upstairs one day to bf, nap and bf again before we came down - 4 hours. ILs were miffed!! But when people come over and you have a little one I like people to help me out not just hold the baby while I do all the work.

Thanks Rebekkah. I read what you wrote.
Honestly I cannot have them here.
We live on one floor and with my husband working I am not up to entertaining them alone. And they won't get the hint and leave if I don't feel well. They always overstay their welcome. From her tone with me, she has not changed. I think its rude when someone tells you they are sick and pregnant that you "invite" youself to my home and not consider my feelings at all. She has zero regard for me, though she wants to visit, she is being forceful and pushy.
By 7pm I go to bed most nights, the latest, 8 pm.
I'm not up to having anyone in my home right now. Last time they came my house was DESTROYED. They place no boundaries on their son and I am not in the mood to have to calm down my dog because he is torturing him and to have to clean up after they leave.
In some ways I feel bad- yes because they are family. But she also hasn't acted like a good family member to me for a long time and I'm just not in the mood to have to go out of my way for her right now when I'm not feeling so hot and knowing the drama she brings. I am going to have to pass this time.

Best of Luck - hope it's as nauseating-free as possible!

I would add this:

No need to tell us but you said she adopted? Did she have fertility issues? Maybe some of your history, coupled with now success, is difficult for her? (Just playing devil's advocate here, NOT saying she is right.)

(You are in the area east of NYC, right?)

If you are looking for a place to meet I recommend "Ally Pond Park" in Bayside, Queens. Nothing to buy (like someone said, maybe an ice cream truck, that's it) and a great playground with fountains for a hyper little guy. Nice and shady for a place to chat.

I'd also tell her that you are unable to drive and DH is working 7 days but "here is a link to some great car rentals in NYC..." and see if that helps. I LOVE the "not safe, nor would I risk being sick and driving with your son in the car..." so that it's on her! Good idea!

Plus, this is NYC, there is TONS of transportation, stuff to do and fun activities. She need to learn not to make plans involving you without consulting YOU first!

I would be very tempted to add soemthing to your note like:
"I am so sorry the timing is just so bad this trip and I can't believe you have never even met my husband... after all these years I can't remember why you were not able to come to our wedding but you were missed."

Good luck!
Sara H

You wrote:

I would be very tempted to add soemthing to your note like:
"I am so sorry the timing is just so bad this trip and I can't believe you have never even met my husband... after all these years I can't remember why you were not able to come to our wedding but you were missed."

WOW!!!!!!!!!! WELL SAID!

Sarah, I live in that area. I know that park very well. That's so funny!!!!

Good thoughts. they are absolutely not invited to my home- that is for SURE! And no way am I driving them anywhere.

IF I feel a little better I would consider meeting them for an icecream in the park provided its not too hot and Im not too sick. But right now I really am so put off by her pushiness and the chances are low...

Thanks for your thoughts I am loving that paragraph omg. Perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After so many brilliant posts, I have very little to add, but here is my 2 cents worth. I used to suffer from the same problem, and I worried a lot about what other people would think or how they react. The trouble is, some people are unreasonable, so how far do you bend over backward for their feelings?

Then I went to law school, and I learned the "reasonable person's test" which is, what would a reasonable person think about this, or what would a reasonable person do? Genius!!! Then I stopped worrying about what a particular difficult person would think, but just only what a reasonable person would think.

So I advise that you send the kind of reasonable reply you would send to a reasonable person. Don't worry about her reaction!! Send an email that is so eminently reasonable that she can forward it to anyone and they would just say, "what's the problem? this is totally reasonable"

THen if you ever feel guilty, just say to yourself "my reply was totally reasonable." If another relative enquires about your conduct, just say that you were totally reasonable. YOu can mention that she was unreasonable. Just always be reasonable and that's all you need to do.

Believe me, this reasonable person's test completely saved my life and has given me years of serenity. Stop worrying about what unreasonable people think! NO guilt EVER for being reasonable!!!

I am not an attorney but I remember reading about the "reasonable person" standard in my 20s and I have used the same technique . . . it's perfect for this situation.

A reasonable person would receive your reasonable email and say "wow, I'm sorry that my cousin is so sick . . . I will see her next time. Hope she feels better."

A selfish USER who wants to get a free meal and transportation will try to guilt trip and manipulate.

Pretty clear!

I'm actually saving your reply so I can refer back to it in other situations until it becomes a habit. It sounds so simple. I was reasonable. Thats a great response to anyone who questions my decision too, without me feeling as if I have to defend my choice. I can see the cycle of stress ending because of this test (stress in saying no to her, stress in living with my choice, stress in answering peoples questions etc...) WOW.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!!!

Teresa, I'm so happy! I can't tell you how much the reasonable person's test has relieved me from my perfectionist, anxious, people-pleasing habits!

Got a big project at work? All you need is a reasonable effort - not a perfect masterpiece! Difficult meeting? Just a reasonable outcome is all you need. Bad situation? Just respond in a reasonable manner. Any self-doubt? Well, you know that you were reasonable.

Enjoy just being reasonable and relieved of the burdens of everyone else's expectations.

I love this approach and am going to use it myself more often!! Remember that the fact that she reached out to you only a few weeks before her arrival (ie with relatively little notice) gives you even more reason not to be completely available - so be sure to factor this into the reasonableness standard too. GL!

I am stealing this idea as well - I know I need it in my line of work - thanks for the share!