you aren't the only two

Hi,

I don't post much, but I read this site and the women's board daily. I'm in full agreement that it helps to hear other people going through the same thing, for a variety of reasons. Not the least, just to know that other people have had (very) similar experiences, and that for some, there is in fact a light at the end of the tunnel.

I agree that its pointless to wish others could feel PMS, PMDD, or a kick in the nuts, for that matter. It isn't going to happen; we guys seem horrid and insensitive for complaining about our wive's symptoms but at the same time, I find very little understanding from the women's side as to what it is like to live with somone who has this problem. WHat do you expect, I'm a man who lives with a PMDD-affected woman?!? In other words, yeah, my perspective is tainted.

I'm fortunate in that I realized something was very, very wrong a long time ago. I never knew what, until recently, but I'm pretty good at realizing that my wife isn't in any kind of control of herself between ovulation and her actual period. That allowed me to not be so quick to blame, I guess. This isn't to say that I haven't had about six million issues with her behaviour over the years, but at least I do understand - It isn't something she can just turn off. She isn't just trying to be an a-hole, and no matter how ridiculous or abusive she may be acting right now, well, hey, that's her reality at the moment.

I can't control her behavior. I _can_ however, control my reactions to her behavior. I started therapy for myself, because it doesn't appear that she is going to get this all taken care of any time soon, and it has been quite a blessing.

I don't understand my wife's denial too well, she can sit at the couples counselor and say that she has been horribly abusive for ten years but doesn't seem to make any connection between that and the fact that I've become very withdrawn and defensive over the years. Well, I can't MAKE her see that. But, I CAN work on my own issues to lessen the severity of my own reaction to this stuff. And, it seems to be helping, both with me and with our relationship. Being withdrawn and defensive was making our problems worse, though I think they are very understandable coping mechanisms given our circumstances.

Maybe this will help a bit, my counselor explained that this problem has serious guilt and self-esteem issues that go along with it. He put it this way (kind of corny, I know, but I liked it). "Think of you and your wife walking through the desert. THink of self esteem as water. You have a gallon, she has an ounce. Think of an apology or acknowledgement of bad behavior as a gift of water - she CANNOT do it, because without her water, she will die. She doesn't have enough to share."

Dunno if it helps you, but if I relate to my wife that way, and I don't expect her to try and make me feel better, hey, I feel better. I know she says a lot of rotten sh*t that is pretty mean, but it isn't her. Feeling good about this is going to have to come from me, because she doesn't really have the capacity to understand how the stuff she does makes me feel, or, she DOES understand, but to acknowledge it would make her give up too much of herself - and a lot of the time, she's barely holding on.

Oh yeah, and here's an important bit - it isn't HER JOB to make me feel good about this, its MY JOB.

And hey, if you HAVE PMDD, and you don't agree with the above analogy, tough luck. It really isn't for people with PMDD, its for people who have to cope with them. I don't care if its accurate or not, it helps me curtail behavior I have that makes it worse, so if I'm deluding myself, let me keep on doing it. My relationship with my wife, since I started counseling a few months ago, has improved drastically, and I think its largely due to the fact that my attitude towards her issues has changed in a positive way.

So, thanks to all the people that post on both forums. Keep doing it and do it often, people benefit from it, even if they only rarely surface to say "Hello."