Although your RL friends may not understand the desire...moreJuly 23 2010 at 12:23 AM
|Hope2009 (Login Hope2009)|
Response to wanted to get your thoughts (children ment'd/DE ment'd)
you are not alone in the world. I could have written your post, may have even done that on the ttc over 40 website...there are women in the world who are in their 40's... with other bio children and still wanting one more.
I experience this 10 years ago and now we have two babies conceived..one with my own eggs and one with DE's. When I was 40 we had 4 beautiful children and most of my friends were done and their husbands had had the V operation. When I shared my desire with my best friend (a physician) she told me I was crazy. After that I didn't share my dreams any longer with her or anyone. Sadly we are still friends but the intimacy has been lost...I think friends should support one another even though they may not agree with what others may want in life.
I remember feeling so alone at the time but still I couldn't shake the desire that one more baby was waiting to join our family.
It took longer to have our 5th, we started trying when I was a bit over 40,...almost 2 years and then when we had a 12 wk m/c my husband said that may be a sign that we should just close up shop...but a few months later, on what was to be a surrender month, we did concieve our beautiful DD "Grace"aptly named,... was born a month after I turned 43.
I thought we were done...I was so happy, our family just felt complete,...then I got pg just before I turned 45. DH and I were a bit shocked since we had done everything naturally, (no ART) we could to conceive our DD...I was older and we had bded once that month, how in the heck did that happen? and why?...just when we were coming to terms with having a 6th...and getting excited about it...we lost the baby at 8 wks.
After that I couldn't shake the dream of having another baby. I had been pg long enough to embrace the idea of having a 6th and how our family would look...and where we would put everyone in the van and in the house,lol. How we would educate them etc.
The "carrot" to continue trying with my own eggs was the fact that my hormone levels were excellent (a low FSH, 3 around that age, and my other hormones were more like I was in my early 30's) So we kept going...until I was 47, that is when I tried clomid for 6 months every other month to increase the egg production (this was the most extreme we had gone up to this point in ttc), and on our last cycle I got pg...but it was a chemical pgcy. After that pgcy I knew that I had to decide to let go of my dream or consider DE's.
If I had known this would have been the outcome of course I would have moved onto DE's earlier but who knows...my grandmother and great grandmother had babies in their late 40's and my naturopath, my acupuncturist and my Dr. said...keep trying. I guess it is something we all have to process in our own time and I don't think I would have been ready to consider DE's until I had given it my best shot...but at 47 there were few women still getting pg on their own so I knew if I wanted anotherr baby the only option for us was DE's.
Thinking of DE's is really out there where I live...we aren't close to any fertility clinic...so even IVF using my own eggs would have been a journey...also I live in a country where eggs are illegal to purchase and the clinic that we ended up choosing said we had to find our own donor....another journey...but thankfully I seemed to find supportive help whenever I needed it...and even though the process at the time seemed onerous..it is now part of our past.
When I was 48 we found our Donor, or rather as I like to say our spirit baby brought us together for she was perfect and lovely...a wonderful person...we were cycling when I was 481/2...although we had a chemical on our fresh cycle...I got pg a few months later from a FET and we now have the most amazing little boy who just turned 1 year old. People tell me all the time that there is something very special about him...he glows when he smiles...I believe he is an old soul and the glow...well that is the pure light of love that we all bestowed on him (my DH, myself, our donor, my DR.'s) before he was even conceived. He fits perfectly into our family...like it was meant to be.
You are not alone in your desire...follow your heart, listen to what your soul is telling you...shut out negative voices...the best things in life come from believing in dreams.
And finally...yes I think about age...I thought about it more when I was 43 and had our last bio baby...I felt older then than I do now at 50 with a one year old...funny...something happened along the journey to this sweet little man...I found a strong belief that our ideas, our beliefs are our only "walls" in life...whether it be not enough time, not enough money, being too old, whatever it is...it will prevent creative energy from manifesting our dreams if we let it...and so I knocked down those barriers...I choose to believe that I'm an ageless soul, yes I know that I'm aging but I stay healthy, eat well, exercise, destress with yoga, meditate when I can (harder to do with a baby) and I plan to live to be a centurion...I tell my DH the same...I will kill him if he dies before a 100!...our joke...so I make him walk to work, eat well, he loves to play with the kids, they keep us young..so he stays active...we are "young" for our age...this is a perspective that you cultivate.
some people get it...some not...my friends who stopped having their babies in their late 30's are now looking VERY old, whenever I go to a 50th birthday party I think...are they our age?,... they talk about downsizing, what their retirement will look like...my Dh said someone his age at work was talking about it the other day and he thought..."how weird" he hadn't even thought about retiring...he is 51 and will be in his late 60's when our 6th graduates and heads off to University.
\ He is also in the mindset that when people retire...they have a tendency to decline...so he is planning to continue his business degree and perhaps start his own company in his 60's to stay fresh while still bringing in money. It's kind of exciting...and me...I'm going to finally have some time to complete all my books...the ideas have all come from dreaming, conceiving, giving birth, and raising children...maybe someone will publish them...I feel a bit like a pioneer for having several children over a 20 year span...some with my own eggs, some with help from another generous woman...surely someone will want to read this story....sounds like something I would watch on the TLC network at the very least,ha.
So sorry for the novella but now you know you aren't alone. The path that you choose though will be unique to you...only you will know how far you want to try with your own eggs, if you would be willing to move forward using DE's, how you view 40, 50 and older.. for what it is worth, I haven't for a moment regretted the journey. The baby that finally came was meant to come in this way and the lessons I learned along the path have made me a better mom...to all of our children.
Before we moved into the DE areana....I remember reading a post from a woman who had finally chosen DE's after a long IF struggle and she looked back on it all as a blessing for she said all the things she learned along the way made her so grateful and patient...and she could never imagine loving any other baby more than the one created with another woman's eggs. I now understand what she was talking about.
Take some time to meditate and trust that the path that you are meant to walk will unfold for you.
Good luck with your journey. Blessings from Hope
|This message has been edited by Hope2009 on Jul 23, 2010 12:31 AM|
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