Everything you never needed to know about the Northern influx!
by Jezza (no login)
1 HUCKNALL TOWN
Unfortunatly the calculator hasn't been invented in Hucknall yet but luckily someone else calculated their points total was enough to win the UPL championship. But even the poorest of maths students were able to count the 30 or so fans who turned up at Altrincham to see them clinch it. Ambitious Hucknall failed to gain entry to the Conference despite their ground passing the Conference criteria with flying colours apart from not being of the required standard..which is a bit like saying Leroy Chambers would ahve played for England...if he had been any good. Hucknall plan to survive in the Conference on receipts from there talk of the town social club. A worthy plan indeed and one wonders why no-one else has thought of this inventive idea. A pleasant place to visit, good facilities and I for one am looking forward to seeing the promised state of the art stand.An excellent forum ruined by a puke yellow background but good laughs to be had if you wind 'em up proper.
Internet fiend : Frankie GTH (goes to Hucknall)
2 DROYLSDEN
(Pronouned Droilscum, nickname Chester City Reserves) this affluent area finally has the football success it deserves with self proclaimed top manager/chairman Dave Pace getting the Bloods up to 2nd place after a mere 12 years in charge. Unfortunatly he too forgot to read the Conference appliation correctly effectively rendering the whole season a waste of time promotion wise. Until he merged with Chester, Dave used high ball tactics and pitch doctoring to achieve results but now moans about the Unibond pitches ruining his side's flowing football...this doesn't explain Alty's 4-1 and 1-0 victories against the Bloods this year which occured on perfect pitches. Don't upset Pacey by beating the bloods if you are an ex conference team as this seems to get him a bit riled to say the least..oh and watch out for the henchman also.Fans very firendly though and their forum is great fun moderated by the lovely Helen.
Internet Fiend(s) : Stephen Jarvis/Butcher
3 BARROW
Once a reputed hostile ship building cul de sac, Barrow now enjoys a sort of Hollyoaks new town existence...although it is still a cul de sac. The ground still holds memories of football league days and you wont find a more passionate set of fans outside of Cheshire. Even worthy of a weekend stay over according to a hardy bunch of Alty fans. Modest in victory, gracious in defeat Barrow fans are very approachable. Bugger of a forum though as I keep losing my 20 digit password.
Internet Fiend(s): The Chief / Heald Green Barra'
4 ALFRETON TOWN
Nice place for a picnic so don't bother with their snack bar or social club. Alfreton were shocked to find themselves playing teams who's name did not include Welfare or RNLI last season. After visitng the Mansfield Town auctions they did very well last season but already the "we can't survive on gates like these" warning has been sounded by their Chairman who makes his money selling chips from his shoulders..I suggest you segregate their directors box when they visit, maybe suggesting they watch the Man U game in a local hotel instead.
No forum No Internet fiends apart from the originally named ATFC. Winner of this season's more flags than fans award.
5 HARROGATE TOWN
Unlike Hucknall this lot do not lie down and die when facing a meaningless game for them but one that other teams will be expecting them to at least tie their laces properly for. One of only 20 teams in their town so you may find yourself watching the wrong game when you visit, their wealthy chairman is taking them down the tried and failed route of sharing a 10,000 capacity rugby stadium so clearly demonstrated by Leigh, Emley and Runcorn...but the man has tried yelling at the council and threatening to join York City's board (at least that'd be Conference) so this is his last throw of the dice.No forum that I've ever seen and no-one has ever bothered us from Harrogate so obviously computers not reached Harrogate yet.
6 SOUTHPORT
The only seaside resort that has no sea, in fact it is possible to drive to Ireland from Southport's 30 mile beach (please check your BMW warranty will not be invalidated). A very friendly club who nevertheless insist on segregating you in their open end and outrageously charge for things like burgers and admission despite protests from the radcliffe fans last season. Fell from the footie league years ago and sank further and just when things were going along swimmingly in the Conference they freefell back to the Unibond. Think they were so shocked they have accepted being a Southport fan means looking up not down.Capable of outrageous claims like still being Unibond Champs as they won it about 6 years earlier. Too modest for their own good and if they covered the 2 open sides they'd have the best ground in the league.Very good website with video, dull forum.
Internet Fiend : Mellow (he'll have you in stitches..if he hits you with his 12 bore)
7 WORKSOP TOWN
Years of investment and ground improvements have resulted in Worksop being no nearer or further from the Conference than they were 20 years ago...excpet now they've knocked down their covered end.A big plus is their huge social club but they are now past the "we're gonna be big" stage and have reached the "sack the manager/board" stage. The biggest bonus with their Sandy Lane Ground is that you can keep your eye on your car in the car park over the 3 foot high 'security' wall. Mind the broken glass when you drive in though. Another bounus is the bus shelter behind the goal although like most things Worksop, it has never worked and no bus has ever stopped there. Good forum to watch fans relieve frustration/try to convince themselves they will one day get into the Conference.
Internet fiend : Alez Vous red Star (coz he speaks French which in Worksop makes him highly qualified)
8 LANCASTER CITY
Like Trains? Visit Lancaster's laughingly called Giant Axe.As it's a University population, their crowd is not passionate although you do get a murmur of appreciation when an Inter City 125 goes through the station next door. Managed by Mexican Bandit look alike Phil Wilson, Lancaster spend their training sessions rolling down the railway embankment making it look convincing enough for a penalty or a yellow card at least. Phi;'s claim to fame is he played for Alty when they were good although he wasn't actually very good.Nice social club and a neat tidy ground that will afford an atmosphere. Forum seldom used in fact my slating of ex Alty player Tony Sullivan from November 2003 the last message.
Internet fiend : Delly (although i think he has gone away to university now..ironic eh?)
9 VAUXHALL MOTORS
Works team who have done wonders to survive Alvin McDonald's departure and even more surprising an ex Alty coach. Have never been bothered to visit their website apart from to wish em good luck Vs QPR and that met with silence.
10 GAINSBOROUGH TRINITY
Lovely ground well worth the long trip into darkest Lincolnshire. Great atmosphere there, a lovely social overlooking the ground and friendly natives. A really historic looking main stand makes you think you have stepped back in time and although we never seem to win at Gainsboro I always make the effort to get there and have a pie before hand with my pint. They do have a serious hooligan element though so beware! His name is Trinty Hardman but fortunatly seems as real as the Alty Razor squad so never fear.
Nice friendly forum good for watching their rivalry with Worksop.
Internet fiend : Trinty hardman (or kate as she is probably known in real life)
11 STALYBRIDGE CELTIC
Best pie and peas will be had here now Emley wont make it I suspect. Still recovering from compulsive cheat syndrome ( a throw back to their Phil Wilson days) they even have a sloping pitch. They always beat Alty at their place which is a well maintained fairly large ground which lends itelf to singing. But I will forgive them as they seem to wind up Droylsden's Dave Pace more than most. I can never forgive them for playing music when they score though. Winner of the inelligble player of the year award although they strangely do not have to replay.
Crap forum that you can't access, internet fiend some fool called Iain (all the best to the kids Iain).
12 ALTRINCHAM
Busiest forum in non league at www.altyfans.co.uk, we apparently aren't famous anymore although most people I meet seem to recognise our name before they do Alfreton or Hucknall. We welcome all to our social club who dont want to wave their flags in our faces and tell us we're going down (got that wrong didn't you you 1/2 dozen skinheads from Alfreton)
Internet fiend : Too many to mention
13 RUNCORN
Winners of the "our b*st&rd chairman shipped us off to a rugby ground" bought the t-shirt competition. You have to feel sorry for twice APL champions Runcorn as they have been moved to Widnes, renamed and to top it all, they don't like crossing the bridge. Runcron has always smelt of dead people so it's no surprise they were moved but the fans seem divided as to which league they should play in and in which town (if at all).
Very funny forum incorporating the Runcorn youth a fictional gang of hooligans and a new one set up recently I believe for TRUE Runcorn fans.
Internet Fiend : Tufty...he will just not rest until they serve prawn sandwiches at the Autoquest.
14 NORTHWICH VICTORIA (contradiction in terms)
Record breaking cheating Vics were previously joint longest servers in the Conference and have held 16th spot in that league for a record breaking 25 years until they were RELEGATED. Like the Titanic's captain, they realised their fate early and went down with dignity on a record low number of points. Famous for playing a monkey in nets and their unusual unsporting throw in tactics, Vics will be worth a visit as they will be playing in the newly built Victoria stadium (new swillfield). The skinflint buggers have even recycled part of their old ground and relocated it into their new ground (hope it's not the bus shelter?) Very busy forum mostly with laughing Alty fans but they are a jolly good bunch with a fine sense of humour that they have evolved over the years through foraging trips into Alty.
Internet Fiend : Green Alien, Carlos The Jackal and Blackie.
I'd be grateful if one of the midland lot could take 3 hours to provide a similar report on your lot?