I was diagnosed with heart failure at age 43. I came up on me by total surprise. I broke into tears when the doctor walked into my hospital room and said...."You are now totally and permanently disabled."
Sadly in our western culture, we view our sense of self worth in terms of our jobs and the work that we do. And our society doesn't place a lot of value on people who are sick, especially not those who are chronically ill. We want to push them aside, put them in nursing facilities and we never go visit them.
I won't say that it hasn't been a struggle to occupy myself now that I've been disabled for over 5 years. You go stir crazy looking at the same walls all the time, watching t.v., etc. You're right, there are lots of limitations to what you can do on a small disability income from which you have to pay for high medical expenses. These are big changes in our lives and it takes a huge amount of patience and self searching to face them and deal with them.
There have been several things that I've done to try to help myself through some of this. I started reading lots more and have enjoyed getting lost in good novels. I took it upon myself to really learn how to cook without salt, checking out 90 different low-sodium cookbooks I found at the library. I force myself to exercise and get out of the house regularly to go walk at the local shopping mall. As an occasional treat I go out to lunch with friends.
I was also determined to bring a sense of purpose to my illness. To do this I became involved in two heart failure support groups. We only meet once a month, but I stay busy about 20 hours each month lining up speakers, looking for articles about heart failure to distribute to the group, and checking out new low sodium recipes to share with the members. It has been really rewarding and the groups are doing well and growing.
I've also come to appreciate some philosophical outlooks that I've come across over the past years. Orientals speak about how we have different periods in our lives when our focus will change.....youth, learning, courting, marriage, parenthood, work/professional, retirement, aging. In the late years of life they maintain that a person's only purpose becomes searching for beauty. Their work is done, and that is what remains to fulfill their lives. Beauty is everywhere. And it doesn't cost a lot to see it in many cases. At times I have gotten to the point where I can simply look out my window at a favorite tree and feel content. Or sit out on the balcony and watch the beautiful green grass grow (!) and feel that this is all I need to be doing.
You are wise as well to have found a hobby to keep you occupied and take your mind off of your illness or circumstances. I'm thinking of taking up artistic painting myself. These kind of activities are important. They help us relax, give us an outlet, are creative, help the time pass. In a way, you are creating your own beauty in the detail of your work. I plan to try the same with painting.
Posted on Feb 22, 2002, 9:11 PM from IP address 63.29.95.168