Hi Cora. Thanks for your response...I just had to laugh off that other one.
About my friend--looking back now, I realize that saying I "dumped" her did sound harsh. Especially considering the fact that that's not exactly what happened. I did have to remove myself from her life, though, because of the physical and emotional toll it was taking on me. But even at that point, I told her I still loved her and that if she ever DID decide to pursue rehab, that I'd be right there by her side to help her deal with it. You just have to understand what was going on with her to even begin to understand why I
finally had to leave. Only other (sober) people who have dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts up close can know how incredibly hard and sad it is. I literally kept a bag packed every day of my life, coming home from work and trying to grab a little sleep before her inevitable drunken/high phone call telling me that she just couldn't be alone that night... and off I drove to her place to spend the night with her. WATCHING HER, making sure she was still breathing when she fell asleep, following her to the bathroom to be sure she wasn't hurting herself (she was a cutter--and she was always
so out of it that she never even felt the pain of those deep cuts that left her dripping blood all over her apartment). I cleaned her up--doctored and bandaged her wounds, washed her face and changed her clothes after she had vomited on herself, etc. I hid her car keys and her driver's license so she couldn't go buy more alcohol or drugs that night--resulting in many physical fights in which I ended up bruised and bloodied because I refused to give them back to her. Begging her not to call her "friends" over while I was there (she often prostituted herself to these guys in exchange for drugs when she didn't have money). I always left if I knew she had called them, but one night she called them when she slipped out to smoke a cigarette. Do you know what it's like to have a bunch of junkies show up at the door and threaten you? One night, this one guy told me he liked me, and then he said he always got what he wanted--and tonight he wanted me. I have NEVER been so scared in my life! I still don't know how I managed to fight him off, except that finally the lure of the drugs in the kitchen was stronger than any desires he had towards me. I left immediately and never went back. My friend followed me out (blissfully oblivious to what I had just been through), and that's when I told her I couldn't do it anymore--I couldn't stay with her when it put my life at risk. I begged her to get to rehab, and I even told her I was going to call the police as soon as I got in my car to send them to her apartment--she could have rehab or she could have jail, because she wasn't safe any other way. She begged me not to, and even "emptied house" of the junkies and the junk before I left (by that point inside my car with the doors locked and window only slightly cracked so I could talk to her--on the phone with another friend at the same time to alert her to where I was and what was going on in case our call got "cut off"). I had to tell her right then and there that she couldn't call me again unless she was ready for me to take her to rehab--or unless she was ever sober again and wanted to go out to talk. She told me not to sweat it--that she was going to ask one of those "friends" to move in with her, so she'd be ok. Yeah, right. At least he was company to her, I suppose, but he kept supplying her with drugs. I haven't heard from her since, even though I sent her a really long letter shortly afterward to be sure she knew I was still there for her
if the day came. It hasn't yet, sadly. Anytime the phone rings in the middle of the night now, I know it's not her--but I'm always SO terrified that it's going to be news that she OD'd and is dead. I even brought up River to her (we had both always liked his movies) a couple of times those last few weeks to remind her that it can happen to anyone--no one
expects to OD, but it happens. And typically to those like her (and River) who think they're somehow invulnerable. ::sigh:: Does all that make sense? It's so hard to explain addiction and the toll it takes on loved ones unless you've been there. I had to withdraw from my friend's life to save my own, ok? But I left things VERY open with her--she knows I'm still here if she ever wants to take that step and get help. Anyway, I appreciate your positive response to my first post, Cora. Take care.
(Also, still wondering about Joaquin--anyone know how he's doing?)