Nat - I'm SO sorry to hear this news.
You've been through so much these last few months, and I'm really sorry. You don't deserve this pain - no one does. But the others are right - this is in no way, shape or form YOUR fault!! Suicide is NEVER anyone else's fault. There are always tons of reasons behind someone taking their own life, and quite often we never know what these reasons are. But you did nothing wrong by moving on with your own life - that's what you were supposed to do after your relationship with him ended. He obviously had a lot of problems, and you didn't cause them. His family is very wrong to treat you the way they are, but it's human nature to want to be able to blame someone for a tragedy like this. They don't want to blame HIM, the only person they should - and you're an easy target because he very mistakenly placed blame on you himself instead of admitting to what was probably a myriad of problems that had him so depressed. It's a cowardly thing to do to take your own life and point the finger at someone else. You didn't kill him, Nat - he killed himself, plain and simple. I hope you and his family can learn to accept that. But as I said, the "blame game" gets in the way of healing in tragic deaths quite often. I lost a very dear friend (my cousin in fact) to suicide a little over two years ago. No one saw it coming and he left no note to give anyone the slightest clue as to WHY he was so depressed and desperate, so guess what? Those of us closest to him have not only been wondering WHY but also blaming ourselves for not being more available to him, being more of a friend, etc. I've found help in online suicide support groups in realizing I did nothing wrong and that there was probably nothing anyone could have done to stop his tragic death. It's been hard, and it still is. But you learn to cope. And until you learn to stop blaming yourself (no matter what ANYONE else thinks), you'll never even begin to heal from this. ICU was right in her post to you in another thread - support groups really are the best thing for you right now. Whether you attend one in person or participate in one online, it's a critical step in helping you cope with this. It's also something his family needs to do. You honestly might want to drop an anonymous card to them in the mail with info on both local suicide support groups where you live as well as some online groups. They need them badly, too, so they can learn to cope with this in a healthy manner as well as realize that YOU are not to blame. I know the last thing you probably want to do right now is something to help THEM when they're being so cruel to you, but understand that they're hurting terribly right now after losing a family member they've known and loved his whole life. They need guidance too. But at least help yourself. Check out a support group. Survivors of Suicide (
http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/) is a great one here in the US - I don't know what's available in England, but I'm sure something very beneficial is. This doesn't mean you can't talk to us about how you're feeling and get support and friendship here - it just means that this is really beyond the scope of anything anyone here can
truly help you with ENOUGH because we're just ordinary folks, not professionals. We care, but you need something in addition to us - not instead of, mind you.
Please follow through with this - you may not realize it, but you really do need it. Take it from another person who's lost someone dear to suicide, ok? Take care of yourself, Nat - please.
{{{{Nat}}}}
