I HATED YOU FOR ABUSING AND MOLESTING ME (letter to my father)

I hated you for abusing and molesting me. You really messed up my life. Because of you, all my life i couldn't live right. I remember so vividly. I remember when i was around 5 years old you would call me into your bedroom and feel on my small little baby bottom and say "mmm, nice" it was so degrading. It made me want to kill you. I wanted to kill you my whole life through! All the way untill now. I remember when i was 6 -10 years old you would eat my food my mother would bring me home, and then you would beat me just because i wouldn't eat something that you made even though you couldn't cook, let alone make a sandwhich.

I remember one night there was a black out and i hid a sandwhich that you had made me under some cloths because the sandwhich was so nasty and you made it with cheap salami, i couldn't eat it. I remember when the lights came back on and you asked me where did my sandwhich go so fast and i told you i ate it and you didn't believe me. Then you looked around and found my sandwhich under some cloths and then you beat me for a while. It was alomost as if that was your intention the minute you began to make me that nasty sandwhich. I remember you tried to have sex

with me from the front and from the back, but you didn't get a chance to because your penis wouldn't fit in the front or in the back. You acted like a disguisting pervert, and for that i hated you. I remember some nights you made me perform oral sex on you and other nights you started to perform oral sex on me. 6 years old dad! Why did you do it! I remember my mother was coming in one night, and you heard the keys rattling at the door, and so you pushed me out your bed right fast and told me to put on my underwear as quick as possible or else. And I didn't want to know what that or else was so

I did! And before my mother came through the door you told me to tell her that i had took a shower if she asked why i was half naked. I remember when i was 10-15 years old you had came into my mothers apartment one day, uninvited, and you had punched me in the face so hard i blacked out for a moment. I remember there were several incidents like this where you either punched me in the face or punched me in the back. I remember from the time you started molesting and abusing me, that I would keep having blackouts and redouts and sharp

pain shooting up and down my back, from years of physical and mental abuse. I remember when I was young and you sexual abused me, you told me that i had better not tell anyone or you would kill me or someone in my family so i never told. Only because i loved all my family members way more than I loved you and i didn't want to see them die. It was torture holding in such thoughts for so many years. I remember age 15 - 19 was some of the worst years of my life. I had satan constantly tormenting me in my mind everyday, so much so that I could not

focus on any of my school work. I remember during this time period God came to me and saved me from my anguish and turmoil of so many years and convinced me to tell my mom my hidden pain and so i did and i finally tasted freedom. I have been like a caged animal all my life, and Thanks to God now Im free, because he gave me the courage to stand up to evil with him as my protection against all threats. I thank God for that so much. Now my mind, body, and soul is free, for it had been jailed for years, do to your abuse father. Before I turned 21 I forgave you for abusing and molesting me because

God had grown his capacity to love inside of me. Before god I didn't know what love was. I've learned over the years from God that all afflictions to the body, mind, and soul are blessings in disguise and thanks to you dad God is the only one I will ever want as my one true love and the only one i will ever trust to get intimately close to me. God is the only one that I will ever trust to come into my mind, body, and soul forever. Because of you father I have never had a real relationship with a man and I dont know if i'll ever be able to have a family. But I do know one thing. If God desires it to be so, than it will happen. God is the great joy of my life and the

only reason i continued to live, because after a while my pain got so bad, i became suicidal. The only reason im still here is because God was there for me in a way you never was dad. And now at age 21 i am free from the burden that i carried with me all my life all the way up untill my young adult years. I am free from the fear of you! For God has promised to protect me in all things, and i believe him. I believe everything God promises. I Love You, God, Thank You So Much. Because of God i now cry happy tearsof joy.

My True Story
By China Alicia Rivera
Aka Shorty Jewlz
March 14 2006