Simply Everyone's Taking Cocaine
From Mayfair to Morden,
from Soho to Sidcup,
from Richmond to Dalston'
through old Regent's Park.
From Borough to Bayswater,
Crouch End to Clapham,
from Debden to Tooting'
beneath Marble Arch.
There are daughters of ministers,
children of clergy, There are amiable Honourables-barristers
verging on every single section
of today's society
have thrown figs to the wind
and embraced with such glee
the most wondrous pastime
to have come round in years.
Yes, policemen and plumbers,
roadsweepers and peers.
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
At sports day in villages, cities and towns
world records are breaking, they just can't slow down.
In the fathers' race one chap whilst rushing at speed
had recorded a time just below 8.03
and that was for the four hundred metres.
He had holidayed near Costa Rica.
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
Well I saw Fizzy Sipworth last Saturday night,
and her eyes seemed to blaze with a wonderful light.
I said, 'Fizzy my darling, you look quite divine.'
She said, 'You would too, if you'd just taken a line.'
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
Well I saw a young officer pounding his beat.
I said, 'Officer why are you grinding your teeth?'
He said, 'You should try walking ten miles sir,
and now I can jump twenty stiles sir.'
Simply everyone's taking cocaine-sir!
Well I saw Aunt Milly in last season's clothes,
she said car, house and yacht
had gone straight up her nose.
But she'd had a most wonderful time,
and the whole thing seemed simply sublime.
I said, 'Milly my dear, you'll be dead at this rate.'
'Not at all,' parried she, for I have just had a plate
made out of metal put up my nose.'
Now she's hoovering it up like a hose.
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
Well I saw Uncle Berty, he danced on the table.
I said, 'Berty you're past it and surely not able.'
'Precisely my boy, I am past eighty three,
and you would dance just the same
if you'd hoofed a whole G
of Colombian straight from the rock.'
Berty's death was no terrible shock.
So off to the funeral, off to the wake,
we were all in an underexuberant state
till the point where things were so dead at twenty past nine
Aunt Milly said cheekily,'Let's have a line,'
And we all shouted hi hip hurrah!
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
For bus drivers are tooting it,
jockeys are hoofing it,
DJ's are spinning it,
gamblers are winning it,
forces manoeuvring it,
cleaners are hoovering it,
models are booked on it,
anglers are hooked on it,
pensioners drawing it,
footballers scoring it,
technicians miking it,
PA's are biking it,
producers are trying it,
A&R men denying it.
publishers collecting it,
lawyers protecting it,
artists are begging it,
some of them pegging it.
It seems that simple,
there's no-one to blame,
for the whole of this nation
is taking cocaine.
Simply everyone's taking cocaine.
Oh how gay it all seems,
and how bright we all are.
How much fun we are having,
and oh what a lark'
to have blistering jousting and sharp repartee
Oh please less less less about you
And please more more more about me!
(end)
I'm Being Followed by the Rolling Stones
I have something to tell you.
I'm being followed by the Rolling Stones.
They followed me here and they'll follow me home.
They turn up at nightclubs and parties and bars
trying to make me drink beer and talk about art.
They camp in my garden
they won't let me rest they ring my phone
they're completely obsessed.
I'm being followed by the Rolling Stones.
And that skinny one, thingamy, you know his name,
the one with the big lips, well he's mainly to blame,
for he comes round in girls' clothes when I'm alone
then looks through his fringe and says,
'Oi, is Charlie at home?'
I'm being followed by the Rolling Stones
I can't go anywhere unmolested.
I can't fight back they'd have me arrested.
I feel like a lunatic no-one believes me.
It doesn't make sense and lest no-one can see
the shadow they cast on my innocent life.
Oh they think it'so funny and so do their wives.
And that Texan, oh yes, she's the head of the bunch'
making personal comments while I'm eating lunch'
Criticising just because I don't know
how to order in French
Couchez avec moi ce soir
I don't know what that is
Or what it tastes like.
They think it's a joke,
but they're driving me close to the end of a rope!
I'm being followed by the Rolling Stones.
spoken word by Murray Lachlan Young (hope yer enjoyed..)
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