This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
He asks, “What was that for?”
She replies, “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?”
He says, “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she whacks him again with the frying pan.
He says, “What's that for this time?”
She answered, “Your horse called.”
The Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
While enjoying a drink with a friend one night, Dan decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night going at it. Finally, Dan being totally spent rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Dan begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously. “No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” “No, don't be daft,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demands Dan. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That's me before the operation.”
Life After Death
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir,” the new employee replied.
“Well then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in the see you.”
Stupid People Signs
They should have to wear signs that just say, “I'm stupid.” That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign.”
It's like before my wife and I moved from Rhode Island to Florida. Our house was full of boxes and there were movers everywhere loading up a tractor trailer in our parking area. My neighbor comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week just to see how many boxes it takes to fill up that United Movers semi. Here's our sign.”
A couple of months ago a buddy of mine went fishing. As he pulled his boat into the dock, he lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock says, “Hey, you catch all them fish?” “Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.”
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to test that.... “Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on. It looks good....they want you to jump into this pool of sharks and tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right...hold my sign, I don't wanna lose it.”
Last time I was home, I was driving around and got a flat tire. I pulled my Avenger into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?” I couldn't resist. I said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.”
I was trying to sell my Mustang about a year ago before our move to Florida. A guy came over for a test drive and drove the car around for about 45 minutes before finally getting back to the house. He gets out of the car, pops up the hood, checks the oil, transmission fluid and then reaches down and grabs the radiator cap. Surprise is all over his face as he says, “Damn that's hot!” See.....If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
Know anyone who needs a sign?
Buckwheat and Darla
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, “How do you spell 'dumb'?” Darla says, “D-u-m-b, dumb.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” She says, “Buckwheat is dumb.”
The teacher says, “Now spell 'stupid'.” Darla says “S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” Darla says, “Buckwheat is stupid.”
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, “Buckwheat, spell dictate.” Buckwheat stands up and says, “D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.” The teacher says, “Very good, now use it in a sentence.” “I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!”
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a prostitute house. When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blowup” dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned....how was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch.” The first man asked, “How's that?”
“Well,” said the second man, “when I nibbled on her breast, she farted and flew out the window."
This mountain folk couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, “Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin.”
At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened.
“Son, you done right,” says his Pop. “If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours.”
A man spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name. “Carmen,” she replies.
“That's a nice name,” he says, warming up to the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”
“No, I named myself.” she answers.
“Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?”
“Because I like cars and I like men,” she says looking directly into his eyes. “What's your name?”
“Beercunt.” he replies.
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doin' Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
To which Little Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, f*ck him?”
I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties. A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said, “General Store,” and that was it.
There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair.
I said to him, “What do you folks do around here?”