hi guys i hope u all had a grear christmas. im at my lowest point ever...constantly thinking suicidal thoughts. closest people around me think i look "lost". true fact is alot has happened..and i have lost myself.
i dont want help i dont want encouragement...i just came to you guys cos ur the closest i feel to these days.

thanks guys. dont ever think i dont appreciate each one of you.

Oh gosh! I hope you are ok!!! We have a lot of depression in our family, so I know what you are going through. Lots of people get really down at the holidays, remembering bad stuff from the past, wishing the present was different, or worrying that the future will be the same as the past was. Just remember, however you are feeling, IT WILL PASS. And we are here for you.

Best wishes,
Corrie :)

Why do you feel so sad? Are there things going on in your life that concern you more than your breast growth? If so, I think you would do best to take care of those things and maybe put NBE off for a while, then go back to your program once you feel better.

Or are you feeling so sad because of your cup size? Are your image issues hurting you the most or other things? Talk to us!

i cant talk abt it..i try but i feel brain dead. like there is a storm hiding behind this silence but it wont come out. not its not my cup size....im not doing massages..i take the pills as part of my routine and thats it. for get me guys..im not important. hope u guys are progressing well. wishing you all happy fulfilling lives.

if u need to talk, seriously i am here. doesnt matter for what or why brimerjr05@sprintpcs.com or drimer1978@yahoo.com email me, we can exchange #'s and just talk or email. thinking of u. i have lost a daughter, had a husband at war, believe me i have seen low. if u need me i am here.

Depression is like wearing a cement blanket...Everything is miserable and difficult. I know just how you feel. Hang in there, you'll be ok.

Don't take depression ligtly or as something that is wrong with you or some kind of guilt. It's not a disease like other diseases, but it's quite similar in its effects on you. It's an analog of diesease, it needs to be cured. Don't wallow in depression, but seek professional help, sa well as help yourself. It's not true that you don't want help or a comforting word, because otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. It's not in human nature to want to be miserable, but the opposite, to want to be happy. Don't let depression convince you that you want or should be miserable, there is no sensible argument for that, don't let it force upon you that illogical conviction. Sometimes you need to fight depression as if it was your enemy. At least that's how I've dealt with it, I didn't accept it for a part of me and I clung to reason to guide me, cause that's what depression does - clouds your judgement. I hope you can find some use in that.

depression is like a fog that won't lift - do you have a dr. you can call? i take medication and wonder why i didn't do it sooner
also try to remember that this time of year is the hardest

please be good to yourself

Cutevelvet, this is a really scary post for us to read. You say you don't want help or encouragement, but what do you want? Depression is a serious thing, and so is talk of suicide. I really want to encourage you to speak to a councelor. Talking to someone really helps, someone who is not part of your everyday world. Don't just tell your doctor, he will just throw a drug at you and not try to work out your problems with you.

I also think I may have depression. I don't think it's a very deep, deep depression, but according to one of my more informed friends, if I don't do something soon I'm going to eventually sink into deep depression. I mostly struggle with my image. I really feel like it's holding me back from everything. That's why I want to try NBE. I just want a confidence booster.

Cutevelvet, if you're struggling with more important things than image, then why not try seeking professional help? Or maybe try joining some kind of a group of people with similar problems? It could be good to try to talk to people with the same issues.

Hey cutevelvet,

So sorry to hear about the way you're feeling! You've come to a good place. There is an overflow of support here obviously and even though we don't know each other, I am personally here for you too. I've been through some seriously rough experiences and times of true depression myself and I know the feelings you have. This summer I gave birth to my first baby 2 days after he died. Losing a child is the one of the most horrible things that can happen to someone. But I'm here to tell you that if I can muddle through that and be sane enough to care about things like the size of my boobs, you WILL get through whatever is bugging you! :-) The best advice I can give you is to be proactive and attack your problems head on, honestly and openly--and most importantly, view it for what it is and absolutely nothing more.

Try not to feel sorry for yourself if you have been; this accomplishes nothing except to make you feel bad. If it's something you can fix, fix it, and if it's not, accept it and move on as best you can. Do seek professional help if this is something you can't deal with on your own....and good for you for opening up to us!! That is the first thing you should do and you've already got it down. You're halfway there, kiddo. I know from experience that there's too much to see and do and enjoy out there and I don't want to waste time feeling down any more than I have to! You can do this too. Let us know what we can do for you. *hugs*


. . . .)\_ _/( . .IttyB
--=(__/^\__)==-

Have you suffered from depression in the past or just since you have been on herbs?? Either way I think the herbs are making you depressed and you need to stop them immediately. Hormone imbalances can cause depression and anxiety so please get off them and see how you go.

thanks for everything that ur saying. im a counsellor..i listen to these problems day in day out. the advise u give ive given....but wen it happens to yourself...

thank you. im sorry..but thank you

diana, thats kind of you and im sorry for your loss..

I doubt that herbs would be to blame. The hormones inside the herbs being taken in this forum are very weak, and would hardly drive a person to a suicidal state. If she does however, already have a sever imbalance, then yes, she should stop taking them, or find the appropriate herbs to balance the situation. Cutevelvet, if you have a serious problem, I'm going to encourage you to seek professional help like the other ladies on this thread.

I don't really believe that the only reason you could be posting this thread would be to let us all know how down you feel. You have to be at least a little willing to take the advice given. Maybe you are a counselor, but hey, it could be totally different to be the visitor of a counselor than to be counseling someone else.

Velvet, Everything you're saying sounds all too familiar to me. I can't count my lowest points, depression runs in my family and I've suffered with it off and on for years. I got sick of people trying to tell me what was "wrong" with me. There wasn't anything "wrong" with me, I was going through a rough patch in my life and I reacted to it the way most people do when they are experiencing a rough patch. It seemed like it was endless, but it's not. A close circle of supportive friends and a bottle of St. Johns Wort pulled me through and I haven't had any extreme symptoms in over a year. Give it time, eventually it does get better, and don't think you're alone, you're feelings are actually very typical. Hang in there sister!

It really could be that the herbs are making you feel worse thatn you would normally. When I was on the herbs I just wanted to die at times. I thought my family would be better off without me. I went on a break and started to feel better. The problems are still ther but I am able to cope with them better. Hang in there and please keep talking to us.


Angela

I did read somewhere that hops can make depression worse in those prone to it. For that reason, I have avoided that particular herb. Cutevelvet, if you are taking hops, you might want to stop that herb.

I hope you feel better soon!

I hope you feel better soon, Cutevelvet.

Things like cup sizes don't matter a jot compared to depression. I suffer from it, too, and have days when I don't feel like facing the world.

The only thing that can help, certainly in the short term, is time. Sooner or later, the mean reds will lift. Get plenty of rest and talk to your friends about it. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Twink x

Cutevelvet.....I've been going for several days, and just saw this post. My first and second bits of advise are:

1. Stop taking all supplements at this time. Why? Because if what you are taking by chance is putting you into extreme estrogen dominance, and all but whiping out your progestin levels, this is the same thing that happens to mother's right after they give birth, and have what is commonly known as "baby blues", or "postpartum depression", and it can be quite severe. If this is the case, it is most likely due to a combination of your own body's hormone cycles along with the supplements. After birth and right before your period, progestin levels plummet, causing many mood changes and emotional turmoil. This may not be the sole reason, but a serious contributing factor to consider.

2. IMMEDIATELY seek a support system. From persons you feel you can talk with openly and honestly. No bs. Lay it all out there. Absolutely don't try to deal with the demon on your own. Nobody is an island. People need people.

You have many friends here, and I've already read everyone who has reached out to you. You are asking for support, just by posting what you did. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Just please, please get support wherever, and from whomever you feel comfortable with. We all care!!

Love is the strongest emotion next to survival....and there is plenty of love here!

just wondering how you were doing today. hope you are feeling better.

Cutevelvet, I lost a friend to depression years ago. She was a social worker and a cousellor too. It doesn't help that she listened to troubles day in day out. You need to know you are so special and there are definitely people who love you.
Jesus loves you and I pray that you will get out of this darkness soon. There are beautiful things waiting to happen in your life.
(I sometimes fall into deep depression too, but I choose not to dwell in it. There are great things in life to look forward to)

the first reason i started nbe and this forum was becasue nine years later down the line my husband commented on the way i looked. he sed that there is nothing to get hold of. ive always been slim but i never thought i was that bad. anyhow apperance shouldnt matter it is whats in the heart that counts. in the past nine years we have struggled financially but i have always supported him. ive never asked for birthday presents, going out, nothing. i thought he was grateful for that. soon after marriage he had erectile problems. he felt down, sad that he wasnt giving me the love that i deserved. i stuck by him, told him it doesnt matter..we'd do it wen he cud and didnt wen he couldnt. although i had great understanding with him i never felt wanted..in other words i never felt a time when he wood me..swished me off my feet. i have to children. the most beautiful and intelligent. i thank god that i managed to have them. i never told about his problem to anyone. i didnt want him feeling humiliated in front of anyone. three years ago i heard him taking to another woman on the phone telling hert how he couldnt see her today. i confronted straight away and he paniced. that explained all the time i used to spend at night on my own in bed and he would be supposedly watching tv till 3 in the morning. i assume he used to be talking to her. i was young i had needs...but felt lonely. during that time things were fine between us, emotionally and sexually. i didnt have a clue he was cheating. i tried to move on. i had my second child. nearly two years ago he got diagnosed with bells palsy which later on turned out be something else. to this day it hasnt been diagnosed. some nerve problem. ive supported him throughout. been the good little wife..always trying to help him regain his confidence. a week ago he said that women maried and unmarried try to make a pass at him at work and he avoids it. he said he wanted to discuss this with me as a friend and that this is depressing him. he said he wants sex so much but doesnt feel anything when he comes near me. i asked wot about these women and he replied..that he is tempted. he said he doesnt want to give into temptation but its getting harder for him. he said he only wants that kind of relationship with me but he cant bring himself to. i listened patiently.i said he could leave me but he said he doesnt want that. he claims he loves me but this is getting out of his control. im mentally really shaken up by him. ive had heart problems, chest pains numerous ecgs etc within the past 3 years. doctor says its anxiety. these days my pain has worsened.
he gets angry if i confront him on issues that bother me so i tend to stay normal to maintain peace in the house and so that my kids remain mentally healthy with no tension in the house. i did say one thing though....i said is it fair that i support you i wait for you to get better(sexually) and when u do get better you want to have it with someone else? he repiled no its not fair.
i cant believe im that bad really i cant. i dont want to seem like im boasting but you guys havent seen me so thats why im explaining. ive always had guys trying to make a pass at me, staring their eyes out etc..... so why am i so bad for my husband? i am not happy. ive struggled ive sacrificed and ive supported but now im tired. cos i got a smack in the face at the end of it. please dont advise me to leave him because that isnt an option for me. i cant leave him. ive not told any family member abt the problems i have faced or am facing. im not going to worry them. i love my mum so much i wouldnt do anthing that would make her have sleepless nights worrying. i dont want my kids to belong to a broken home. he is so good with the kids. he is good to me aswell.. im at a dead end just waiting when he comes home with my intuition telling me that he has been with another woman. cos i still cant leave him..how am i going face that and accept it.move on as if nothing has happened. you may think why on earth cant she leave him. i cant. maybe cos of my kids sake, the society i am in, the hurt it would bring my parents etc. my inlaws adore me they think im a doll and that my husband loves me very much. if anyone knew this would be a shock for them. i dont wana rock the boat..but this is such a big issue that i have to bury in my heart. the worst thing is to smile when you know ur heart is crying.
please dont slag my husband off.. at least he was honest with me. i wish one of you's could look at me and tell me am i so bad that my husband wouldnt get turned on by me?

Cutevelvet, if only i could hug you and release some of your pain. i do not know what to say. but i say that there is a light in the end of a tunnel. believe me. you are an attractive lady and i'm' glad you know that. and believe the attractiveness to your partner may disappear no matter the boobsize. and as you said you both love each other. i just wish he would see these other admiring gazes on you that would put you in a different light. he could see again the things he saw in you in a first place. i'm sorry if i sound stupid or childish cos i lack the experience and to be honest i am so scared myself that i cant keep a guy i love with my AAA cups.

i just wish you the best to overcome the situation and in the end you are a bigger and better person.

Hugs,
Bonnette

I think the main problem is that your husband is insecure and ashamed. I'm not a psychologist and I won't pretend to be, but I think that that's his main problem. Maybe he has a hard time wanting to be with you because you know about his problem and the other women don't. It has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him. I don't think neither of you will be very happy until he manages to accept his problem. He's obviously very sensitive about it and it's probably affecting him in many ways. Maybe you guys should go to couples counceling.

Dearest CuteVelvet,

Please don't do anything rash! You said yourself that you have 2 beautiful, intelligent babies who love their Mommy UNCONDITIONALLY and NEED YOU. You said yourself that there are other men who are or could be interested in you, so physically, I'm assuming that you are an attractive person. Since you have stuck by your husband these past nine years, through the good times and bad, and love your children, it's safe to say that you are a BEAUTIFUL PERSON INSIDE, TOO! I wish that there was a magic wand to wave to help, but all I can do is pray for you and your family. Please stay strong, if not for yourself, then for your children. I won't bash your husband, but honey, there are other men out there who would cherish a woman like you. It would take time to heal, but you and the children deserve better. The stress sounds like it's wearing on you physically with the chest pains. Please talk to someone. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, they don't live in your home. Email me, if you wish.

I'm keeping you, your babies, and your husband in my prayers.

Love,
3monkeysmom

First I would like to say that I admire you for your choice to stay with him, and willingness to stand by him. That takes a lot of sacrifice on your part. I will not tell you to leave him, only because I haven't left mine. Although I have not been to the low you have in the whole being attracted, I can sympathize with the feelings you have. Especially when other women and attractions are concerned. Someone told me earlier this year that these things can be worked out, but it takes willingness on both parties for it to work. I'll be honest and tell you it takes a whole lot of work, and it mostly is going to have to start with you. Now before everyone goes and starts hounding me and telling me how much of jerk your husband and is and raking him across the coals ~ I am not talking to him, and I can only give you a wifes perpesctive, since I am female. *wink* He does need to address the issues he is dealing with ~ but you can make a huge difference with just yourself.

The nights are long, and that days are long, and you do just want to die. Getting out of bed can be taxing, and the "dread" of when he comes home......I know. In all honesty, I feel your pain, and anguish. And you do have a right to these feelings ~ just don't drown in them. Remember that you still have children that need you, and if anything for now, live for them and for yourself. Do things for yourself. If you can afford it, buy something for you ~ when you are ready ~ for me it tooks 4 months to work through everything I was feeling, and started doing things for me.

When I say it starts with you, it means you need to know that firstly this is not your fault, and you need to not (don't know if you are) blame yourself in anyway, including appearance. I am going to repeat that, just because I know what you may be thinking IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT ~ IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. Be thankful that so far he has come to you with these advances and is telling you that he is resisting. Believe it or not, I don't think that is throwing it in your face, as much as it is needing praise for doing the right thing. I know it sounds bizarre, but hindsight and all. You two really need to get some counselling, but choose a counselor that really wants the best for you both and wants to see your marriage succeed, not counselling for you to accept what is going on. Please at least consider that. We went to our church pastor and then he referred me to a female to allow me to share things that would be inappropriate on other levels. However mine didn't stick with resisting.

Maybe you two can set up a date night and discuss some things, without kids around, and household pressures, no distractions ie. phones,tv, etc. My husband was very standoffish whenever I brought things up, but I needed to talk about them. I needed reassurance, and it took almost a year later before we were able to get some things squared away ~ and that has only been in the last month. Let him know that you need to talk to him, and that you aren't going to accuse him of anything but he needs to understand how you feel and why. And if he does love you, even if he doesn't respond, he has heard you. Like I said a year later, and we are still working on things, but last year at this time I didn't even want live, let alone work through anything. My main concern was for my children as well, and they still don't know what happened, other then mommy was very sad for a while, and she cried alot. Remember also, as hard as it is right now, that he might be just as torn and confused. I have been with my dh for 8 years now ~ and I will say that after 8 years, the initial attraction has passed, we are in "puppy love" either, its more just like being comfortable with each other, and for me working through this, it was very hard. He also had some issues to work out during the "phase" that he completely didn't understand. I still don't know what they were since we saw different people, but now it really doesn't matter to me and in year it might not matter to you.

Something that I was counselled to do and I strongly suggest it for you is get a journal and write it all down in. Everything. This is for you and nobody else, its not for him to read, or your children or friends nobody, just you. By writing down whats going through your head, you are releasing onto pages whats running through head, the pain, the frustration, the agony, hurt everything, and you now don't have to remeber it. This helped me get rid of some of the anxiety, because I constantly wasn't replaying it in my head. I didn't have to remember anything, because it was written out and safe. In the end if anything is inappropriate and you later want to rip sections out, you can. I have never done it, because to this day I am afraid that if I discard them, I'll have to remember them again. I also have made it a habit at this point, not to re-read what I wrote, or it brings it all up again, and I start re~living it ~ but it might take a while to get to that point.

Get out and walk. Yes even if its cold, bundle up and walk for about 10 mins. a day. If your kiddies are younger then take them along. Just get out into the fresh air and sunshine. Maybe do this after you write ~ its like a cleansing. Whenever possibly find something to do ~ the more active you stay, the less time you have to dwell.

I don't want to overload you. I really don't. So I am just going to leave it at that, and if you want to talk to me, I am more then happy to listen, and maybe be a crutch during this time.

Remember that this will take time to heal. Don't drown. You can't look any worse then I felt I looked at the time. This will pass ~ its going to take time. I am not going to try to cheer you up, because you do need time to hurt. But please at least keep talking it out. If anything I can at least listen and sympathize ~ not pity, because you don't need that, but sympathy.

I am sending you a great big hug and my tears as I feel your pain.

Love, Henri

I think that in life, we shouldn't settle for less than we deserve and we shouldn't feel guilty for fighting for it or getting it. I'm against sacrifice, I think that our highest moral obligation is to make ourselves happy. If along with that, we make another person happy, that's the greatest thing. But I absolutely condamn sacrifice for the sake of another person's happiness.
Of course I'm talking in general. I just think there's too much subtle guilt and misguided moral codes in the world.

i totally agree with henri. that is quite a bit of wisdom she has imparted. hope u feel better. good luck.

"he gets angry if i confront him on issues that bother me". There seems to be a lack of communication between you and your husband. A marriage councellor would help you both to talk calmly and get everything out in the open. For your own sake and your health, you need to know where you stand.

I know that you are a councellor, but it will be good to have an outside person's perspective.

Try not to think too much about what your family and in-laws will think. If they knew you and your husband were having troubles, they wouldn't judge you or think any differently of you. They love you, your a 'doll'! They would help you and be there to support you. They would not want you going through this by yourself.

Perhaps because you are a councellor, you are so used to other people coming to you for help, that you are not used to asking for help yourself.

Ring a councellor right now after reading this, and make an appointment. Its a small step that could help you hugely.

Feel free to email me,
Bunny163

Now make that phone call!

I'm just starting to get out of my depression, so I know what you're going through. Just know that no matter how hard it is, you can eventually pull yourself out of it. It helps when you have responsibilities to keep you going, to make you get up out of bed, to take care of yourself.

I even went into therapy for half a year, but it didn't seem to help much. At times it got me more frustrated. What really helped me was the Bible, and God. I can honestly say that I could not have come this far if I didn't have Him to walk with me during this difficult time. It was kinda scary to open up the Bible and read the passage and see that it was so similar to my situation emotionally. I have an application Bible, so I was able to understand it better. You might want to try that.

Also, I'm sure there are lots of people that want to reach out to you and help you, although being depressed kinda makes you not want to interact with people. Just remember that there are people with listening ears, including us. So spill your story if you want. :)

Sorry, I wanted to get that out first, before I finished reading all the other posts.

I really admire you for sticking by your husband through it all. BUT it really is taking a physical and mental toll on you. I'm not saying for you to leave your husband. I'm all for working on a marriage through all the rough spots. What I'm saying is that something needs to be fixed soon.

I think that Henri provided a lot of wisdom, and it helped that she experienced similar problems so that she can relate better to you. You need to first talk to your husband, even if it is getting him to agree to couples counseling.

I believe you still love your husband dearly. Not because you're not willing to leave him despite all the reasons you gave. But because of how you asked us not to bash him. You still care deeply about his feelings, even if he probably won't ever see this. Pray that God will help your marriage. Read the Bible, it really really helps.

I can't offer too much advice because I've never been married, so I can't speak from experience. But I was once engaged. He and I loved each other a great deal, and one day he just ended it. 2 days later he started dating someone else. I don't think he was cheating on me while we were together, although maybe emotionally cheating. We lived in different states the whole time we were engaged (I took a job 1500 miles away right before we got engaged.) And I think deep down he didn't want to end it, but he got desperate. But he never talked it over with me. We never had the chance to work things out.

That's what I'm afraid for you. It sounds like your husband loves you too, but I do agree with Henri, he seems very insecure with himself. Appeal to your husband that you two need to talk about your problems. Don't hide it all from him, it's just eating you up inside. Talking and working it out will only build a stronger bond between you two. Once you two are able to share, then hopefully you can work together on how to fix the problems. If you don't know what the problem is, you can't fix it. Give each other the chance to work on your marriage.

We're here for you. :)

Haven't been on forum for a few days, but was really sad to read how unhappy you are. My first marriage was the marriage from hell, and without going into all the details, I have a bit of an understanding of how you are feeling. I believe you have an incredible amount of strength as you wouldn't still be there, and be wanting things to be better, if you didn't. My only advise is to make sure you are doing the best thing for your own sanity and for your beautiful children. I found out first hand that sometimes the tension we think we are hiding from our children is not as was well hidden from them as we thought.Take care, I am thinking of you - Donna

i skimmed the other posts after reading yours and the details, so please do excuse me if i repeat what others have already said...

you have told us about the reasons that you cant get up in the morning... and by reading that it seems that you place a great deal on family. not only by the children you mention, but simply by sticking with your husband for such a long period through so many challenges it shows that you have a great deal of love for family. acknowledge that love and then USE that love. that love can be what gets you out of bed. your kids, no matter how old they are, are there for you and love you, and you love them. you still care for them even if they have gone and moved out, and expnentially more if they are still at home. they rely on you, and you rely on them. they should be able to get you up in the morning... and i assume you still have other family around? siblings or parents or other family? you dont have to tell them everything, of course, but family means way too much to you to shut it out and give it all away. be with them. spend the time with them. they can help heal your psyche even if they havent a clue what is going on... family is like that sometimes, when you place as much value in them as you seem to.

you do need to get outside help, and personal outside help. you can still come to us on the forum... we all love you as our boobie sister... though i do agree that you need to CUT THE HERBS right now... even if they arent at fault, they arent helping, and the stress you are under will render them ineffective anyway, so save them for after you are head-healthy...

you need to come up with a plan for yourself. you need to know who you can call and who you can count on. you need to talk to your husband, talk to him without either of you getting angry (upset is okay to a point, but angry means you need a break), talk to him with a counselor (not one you work with... find another place or have him help you find another place). i agree that perhaps his reason for avoiding you is because you know his secrets... it intimidates him, then the problem gets worse, and it starts a cycle. you need to get help with this, impartial help and impartial advice. he seems willing to work on things, and you are as well. with two willing parties, you just need to figure out HOW, and that is where another person comes in. but you need an action plan, and an emergency plan. who will you call if things get so bad you want to commit suicide? you need to know that, and know it now before it gets too much. if your kids are older, they may be a lifeline. talk to them about it first. talk to a friend, another counselor, even a hotline... it sounds silly or dependent, but it is YOUR life, and you need to know how to save it...

you may need medication, you may not. the only way to find out is through a doctor... but the most important thing is those around you. dont be afraid to get help.

i am trained as a suicide counselor, and you can feel free to email me... i will not be around this weekend, though, so you NEED to have someone there for you.

big hugs to you... it will get better... it always does. really. you have a lot of reasons for staying the course here, and you have the strength to drive on even though sometimes you dont feel like you do. but its there... thats why you came to us in the first place, because you have that strength... dont let it go, use it...

All my love to you my friend xxxoooxxx Im sorry Im so late responding but I went for a procedure and it knocked me out. I saw Dianas messege about 2 seconds before I left so I could respond. How are you now ? Im glad you started this thread first because you honoured us with your deepest thoughts, and second cause everyone else is opening up with stuff theyve been through and we can se that life truly has ups and downs for everyone, I was made to suffer horrendesly in my first marriage I wanted to die but coulnt for the sake of my 2 year old and 6 month old baby! I stayed cause they deserved to have a mum at least !!!! 14 years later I have 2 teenage daughters and a new husband and Im so happy now. Back at the difficult time in my life I would not have belived that I would ever be happy again. Please could you tell us about your children ? Id love to hear what theyre like! take care love jelly......

my son is 5 years old and my daughter is 17th months old.

oh and i will be 28 years old next month....

how cute is that ??? what wonderful ages, so is your son going to primary school ? I would give anything to spend time with my girls when thy were little again, I loved bathing them and smelling them after (does that sound weird??)sorry its a mother thing !!I love getting thier warm greetings and hugs !!!!and when they really liked thier food and just were covered in it. and when they are so proud of what theyve done !!!! how about you velvet ??? love jelly....

Velvet ~ your son is around the same age as my youngest. Its such a fun stage. My son talks all day long about his friends, both real and imaginary ~ and we have so much fun playing with actions figures and building forts. They really like when I throw sheets over the couches, or the sides of the bed and attach them to the dresser, and then we camp out. We play soldiers and cowboys and cops and robbers and play in the mud ~ hey how else am I still supposed to be a kid!?!

I always wanted a little girl, but God seemed to bless me with two boys ~ I don't regret either one of them ~ although I still long for a girl, I just like all the cute little toys and clothes. And for someone to want to me like me!!! *sigh* off to fight another battle and rescue a damsel in distress, sometimes I get to be the princess what fun!!!!

I'd too would love to hear more about your children!!! I am homeschooling both my kids, which can sometimes be taxing!!!

i know wot u guys are doing, jelly n henri..thats sweet of you trying to get me to acknowledge reasons for getting better. it will take time. im not ignoring you honestly...it will take time for me to realise that. right now i dont wana know.

Its going to take time honey. Alot of time. I won't lie and say you'll feel better in a week or two or three, or there is an easy way out of it. Be sad, you are allowed. Just please don't drown in it. That is my main concern, only because its the concern everybody had for me. It would help if there was someone close you could cry on, and that won't condemn you. I wish we were close because I would be there in a heartbeat..........When I first found out what was going on, I left. Its the only time in 8years that I left my husband. I kissed my kids goodbye and told them I was going out and to listen to daddy and I left, he stood outside and watched me pull out of the driveway, just watched me, he never stopped me, he never said anything to me. I didn't know what to do, and ended up at the door of my dear friend. When she answered I feel apart crying and screaming on her doorstep and probably scared her children half to death and all her neighbors. I felt in a black hole, and everything was caving in on me. I couldn't breath, and thought I was having my heart ripped out of my chest. All she did for me was hold me. Thats it. She held me and let me cry and let me get it all out, she let me work it all out. I stayed with her the rest of the day like a zombie. She literally force fed me, and made me drink something (water), and kept me from dying that die. I was so angry and hurt and felt betrayed. I couldn't think straight or see straight. And I felt cheap. I felt like someone that was cheap and dirty and hideously ugly. I felt like that the last few years of my life was a lie. It was hard. I ended up calling my dad. Believe it or not. I was planning on spending the night at his house, and actually asked him to go and get my children. And he said "no". I couldn't believe my ears, and he explained to me that he couldn't take the kids from him, because they were his kids too, and he wasn't abusing them, and had done nothing to them that warranted their removal. Then I felt betrayed by my dad. You know what he told me? He told me to go home! He told me to go home. I told him I couldn't, that I didn't want to, that I never wanted him to touch me again. He said he understood that, but I needed to go home and face the problem, because running away didn't solve anything. It wasn't until later that afternoon before I made my way back home. And then my husband and I had some heated words. And there is some inaccuracy in the statement that there are communication issues if he won't listen to you. I have learned that if you enter a conversation accusing and attacking, then its natural to defend yourself. We do that, although we don't realize it. Nobody feels like they owe anyone an explanation for their actions, and when they are accused of something whether true or not, they naturally put up a defense. Most men...correction..most people, feel as though they need not explain their actions. And he probably feels that telling you should be enough to rest your worries and that he sticking with you...............Those were dark days for me. I only lived for one day at a time. I couldn't even think about tomorrow. Its going to be hard dear, you have some tough roads ahead of you, but in time you will get through it.

Don't worry about acknowledging anything, and please don't write that you are miraculously healed, so we leave you alone. We aren't asking for that. All we are doing is helping you, and encouraging to take baby steps. And the first step that needs to be taken, is finding a reason for you to go on. And right now that reason has to be your children........ Take your time, but know that we do love you....even though we don't know your name, or your face........or much else about you......you are important to us, and you are beautiful. This is not your fault dear. Its not. Even if you looked like a "page 3" girl, this could have still happened....Don't believe me, look at all the celebs that do look more then ideal who have been cheated on, both male and female. On the inside you are a Front Cover girl. Trust me. Just by your willingness to stay with him shows more character about you. And you will never be as cheap and hideously looking as the "women" that would take another ones man away from her and their children. That is true ugliness, no matter how thin, big breasted, blonde and beautiful one may be. To me you are every bit as beautiful as I am. And I do believe that, and I am not just writing that........You must believe me. Don't blame yourself. I know I am repeating myself, but dear I know what is running through your mind ~ its not your fault. So far, nothing more then looking has gone on, and be grateful. I know its hard, but think how lucky you are that you weren't blindsided and found out that there is a problem before it had progressed into a nightmare. He hasn't crossed the line. You still have hope ~ there is always hope ~ if not, then there is nothing to live for......

If anything please just post periodically that you are still functioning, even if its just to type, hey i'm still here......I look for your posts now, just to see if you are still hanging in there. You must believe me, that it will get better. Just get through today. Thats it today only. We will handle tomorrow when tomorrow comes........

Chin Up Honey,
Hugs to You
Henri

Cutevelvet, you're still so young! You at least still have time to resolve your life and enjoy the rest of your life! Whatever you decide to do, whether it be going to counseling or finding a new man, you're still young! And you have two kids who love you no matter what.

well actually cute velvet I wa genuinely interested in your kids as I miss mine being young so much Im in menopause and Im going through this maternal clucky thing and I guess thats what nature does to make us look forwards to grandchildren. My eldest daughter is 19 and is still going out with her first love but I dont want to rush marriage and children on her so forgive me of my curiosity but I do love hearing of bonds of mums with young children (its also good having teenagers and I also need to make sure I dont miss a precious moment of that stage....) take care love jelly....

My wife was hospitalized with depression, all she could think of was "How to die".
They had her on five different drugs.
Anyway I got talking to a doctor that was a bit more open minded than the others.

He said in some clinic somewhere it was his job to take the depressed patient on 4 kilometer run twice a day and work them up to 15 kilometers a day. He said it works faster than any drug.

Well as soon as I heard that I took my wife out of there. Now she couldn't run because of a back condition so we went to the sand hills and we went up them for an hour plus a 10k walk everyday.
My wife(and her friends and family)would protest and resent it and say she was too tired and she would do it when she felt better, she would find every argument the book not to do it and insisted that it was not working.

But our 14 year old son would notice and tell her that she was getting better by the day. And that was important because my wife is the heart, soul and personality of our family.

After about 6 weeks she was off 4 of the drugs. The doctors were not happy.
Within 6 months she appeared normal to friends and 12 months later almost off the Paxtine.

We have been very slack about the exercise routine in the last 6 months.
But the answer is clear, Exercise, exercise and more exercise no matter how distasteful it might be. Keep off the refined carbs and adequate protien intake and you will develop the energy for it.

Simple answer but tough to do

i dont know about all THAT exercise... but then again i can be pretty lazy from time to time! :) i am glad that it helped your wife, tough guy, and that you are trying to help someone else from the solution you found...

there is a point there: cutevelvet make sure you are getting out a bit... dont let yourself get closed in. you dont have to go to bars and out in public acting like the world is fine, but take your kids out to the park or out for walks.

henri is right: there is no easy answer and it wont all be better tomorrow. but it WILL get better and easier. there are steps for you to take and steps for him to take and it will take time and effort on both of your parts. dont carry the world on your shoulders... baby steps! take it slow!

do keep posting. about whatever. let us know how you are doing. and please, still find a support system. i wrote the last post when i thought your kids were older, and since they are so young clearly they cannot be your sole support, so reach out elsewhere. other family, a close friend. someone to give you a hug and remind you that you are a wonderful person (we can tell you that all day, but reading it and hearing it are two different things). you place so much value in your family... let them help you.

i have been through some very rough times... i can joke about them now, but they still hurt and always will. it took me a long time... years... to move on from some things, and some things i have yet to get over. life is about healing, and we are here to make sure that you heal up good as new...

big hugs to you. its a new year and time for a resolved start. determination and dedication are running in your veins, girl...

let us know how you are doing...

thanks for all your support. im not mentally better yet but i want to get back into my nbe routine. ive been doing nbe for others. but i want it to be for me now cos i wana look good for me. if someone doesnt like me for who i am and not the way i look then sod em! this is me like it or lump it.... hey, thanks everyone.......i will get better...and i will grow boobs for ME

be careful about the herbs... start slow if you start again because like it was mentioned they can mess with your head too...

but i know what you are saying, girl, and good for you! i have mentioned this before but i have been trying nbe on and off for years, but you know before now it was because i was doing it for someone else... i wanted to be prettier than so-and-so because her big boobs were attracting MY husband! well you know i finally said "no, i dont care. boobs dont make a woman or keep a man, but you know what they will make me feel awesome anyway!" since i said i am growing them for me boom! all of it started working out! i know it will be the same for you...

youre going to do awesome... we are here for you, and we will all be jealous of your gigantic boobies!

Cutevelvet,I'm glad you have decided to take the healing process. You will take time, but you will eventually come out of it stronger. What doesn't break you, make you. I want you to know that there is someone, somewhere in Asia, praying for you. Although I am far far away from you in distance, culture, race and many more, I can feel your pain and I do care for you. Prayers work wonders, I will keep you in my prayers. I am going through a tough time myself, but as I am reading through this post, I realised I am not alone and there are many who went through hell and came out of it more stronger and more beautiful. One of them is Henri. Henri, thanks for your posting... It encouraged me and gave me hope, for my own problems. =)

CuteVelvet, I am so glad you are doing better. I completely understand about the NBE thing, I worked through the same issues and am now doing it for me too!!! Its so wonderful not to feel the pressure of pleasing others anymore. When you have confidence, you are sexy!! Like Emmie said, take it slowly with the herbs, and build back up to where you were. Maybe do a cleanse first with milk thistle for a few days and then start up.

Princessglitter ~ everything takes time, and too many times people try to rush through the problem and never really solve anything, and leave the wounds wide open and bleeding, they never heal. I think everybody at some time in there life goes through a very difficult time, and they do make us stronger. Its just a very difficult journey that I don't think ever ends, but its does get easier. I learned the hard way, that its easier to win the war one battle at a time, instead of taking on multiple skirmishes.