I read your post on open and can tell you it is perfectly normal to have your emotions go from super high to super low. Just know we are thinking of you. If you want to chat you can email me directly or post something in here and we can try to chat online.
It does really take time to heal. In time you will go from surviving to living. But to be perfectly honest it took me about 2 and a half years to get there. Don't expect it will happen overnight.
I really appreciate your concern. It brought tears to my eyes in fact. I'm obviously feeling weepy.
Despite swinging between feeling rubbish and feeling good, I do think that I am doing pretty well most of the time, but it would be deluded to think I'd healed perfectly.
I think the healing process is a little bit like when you cut your knuckle. It is impossible to do anything without opening up the wound again, but although it keeps opening up again, each time it bleeds a little bit less and eventually it gets covered completely by scar tissue. If it was a deep cut, you will always bear the scar, but you will get to a point where you no longer feel any pain.
I would have liked to email you directly, but don't seem to be able to.
I don't know what your post said but I just logged in here today after awhile because seriously, the month of December for me was really a pretty strong month. Maybe it was because my sister was coming for christmas and new year the anticipation of that blurred everything else and because I love her so much and could'nt wait to see her shining face, really didn't care how my H was hurting me because he's just a total B****** anyway. And I did have the best time with her and even though she left on the 1st, the strength of such an amazing time gave me such a new blanket of love and light and peace and didn't think I could ever go back down to where I was before. I mean, we were going out all the time and I was seriously dancing to that "doncha think your girlfriend was hot like me" and meaning it and really feeling so good about myself. I got to the point where I told her I was so happy to feel free and have myself back and that everything seems so new and fresh. I was really feeling it!! But today, I knew it was a weak day for me when I got to work. And then I realized it was 4 month anniversary of d-day. And then on bbc radio 2 their discussion was about trying to heal from divorce and how that pain can never go away and it's all too much today. And then me and H have been txting back & forth today because he wants to come to flat tmrw. I asked if he could change some of the touchy light bulbs we have in the flat because they never seem to work for me and he txted back to say he wouldn't have time. And sometimes, I just want him for one second to be human and be nice to me. I wonder if he EVER had ONE weak day in his life when for one second he thinks of me and feels soft or even slightly misses me. I want to just speak to him so bad and tell him that I know its over but that I still love him and will always love him but know if I do that, it would be worse because he would just say coldly, "move on." I just want him once to say he loves me too in a sincere way and that he wants to make this as easy as possible for me and to look at me and give me something in his eyes for me to know that he's still there in some way. I really think it would be easier to move on if he gave me just that. But no, he has to go the other way and I'll always hate him for it. Maybe I'm not on the right board because I was willing to forgive him for the affair immediately but I'll never forgive him for how he's treated me through all this. I don't see how I can. You'd be kinder to a mouse! Anyway, I just wanted to say Madi that I'm totally with you because in your posts, you do seem like you're coping really well and seem to be really strong and I have related to a lot of what you've said about being able to move on a bit. But if you're having a down day, I relate too. I guess I was a the point when my sister was here that I didn't think I'd ever have another down day again because I was so high!! Hahaha. Very funny that I ever thought that!
I'm glad you posted. I was wondering how you were doing. Of course you are on the right board. Forgiveness is something to be aimed for, but I would guess that most people who post regularly are still a long way from reaching that final point in the healing process. Its OK to feel anger at this stage. That is healthy.
When I'm feeling good and positive, I like to pretend that I've cracked it and I'm healed. I get really disappointed when I go back down again. Affair recovery really is a roller-coaster ride of emotion and it is depressing to keep going up and down when all you want to do is level out. Sounds like you feel the same way. Remember that it is still early days Jen. Its OK to feel these things. I feel like I really have a river to cry and I can put it off, but the tears will come out sooner or later, like it or not.
I can understand why you want to hear your ex say he loves you still. It all happened very quickly for both of us and it is difficult to comprehend how someone can apparently alter their feelings so rapidly. I still find that difficult to get my head around. For ages, it all felt like a nightmare. I used to really pinch myself. I was so desperate to wake up and find out I'd dreamed the whole thing. I admit, I still harbour a fantasy that he will suddenly see the error of his ways and beg my forgiveness, but I know that there is very little chance of that and if it did happen, it would create an awful dilemma for me. I think that moving forward is much simpler really.
You also sound like a super-strong person. I bet you can sort out those light bulbs on your own. It was quite a revelation to me when I realised that I was quite capable of doing most of the DIY stuff that my ex used to make out was so difficult. Buying a drill was very empowering!
Keep dancing.
Madix
This message has been edited by bliss05 on Jan 9, 2006 2:26 PM
You know, I remember before I actually logged on to write anything, I would come to this site and just read some of the posts. And I remember, nights when I would just be sitting here in total blackness and constant tears reading your post that you bought your first drill. And I just remember praying that this is not real at this time and continued to pray that I would never have to buy a drill because H would come back by then. lol. I mean it's so sad but it's funny. I mean, I know it sounds pathetic about the light bulbs, but my H seriously would never even let me carry in a bag of groceries!! He was (at least I thought at the time) a total gentleman. I never ever took out the garbage, set the vcr, even carried by own suitcase. And now, if there is a definite time when I'm crying, it is when I'm walking home from Sainesbury's with 5 bags in my hand. It's not even that it's that hard (although it is when I have milk and drinks and all this other substantial stuff) but that it brings it home to me that I'm by myself. Before christmas, I was the proudest person in the world when i carried in the christmas tree (which was taller than I was) up a flight of stairs and into the flat! Think I texted everyone on my list just to let them know how cool it was that I carried a tree by myself! lol. I suppose all this stuff is empowering after you do it but it's daunting before you do it just because you never had to before.
Oh, and correction by the way. The name of that song of course is Dontcha WISH you're girlfriend was hot like me! Not think. lol.
If you could ever email me, that would be cool. I've tried clicking on your name but it never seems to work. I don't know if it's my computer or something.
I know you like me (I know you like me)
I know you do (I know you do)
Thats why whenever I come around shes all over you
And I know you want it (I know you want it)
It's easy to see (it's easy to see)
And in the back of your mind
I know you should be home with me
[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Fight the feeling (fight the feeling)
Leave it alone (leave it alone)
Cause if it aint love
It just aint enough to leave a happy home
Let's keep it friendly (let's keep it friendly)
You have to play fair (you have to play fair)
See, I dont care
But I know she aint gon' wanna share
[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha , baby
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha
I know I'm on your mind
I know we'll have a good time
I'm your friend
I'm fun
And I'm fine
I aint lying
Look at me, you aint blind [2x]
See, I know she loves you (I know she loves you)
I understand (I understand)
I'd probably be just as crazy about you
If you were my own man
Maybe next lifetime (maybe next lifetime)
Possibly (possibly)
Until then, Oh friend your'e secret is safe with me
[Chorus]
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
Dont cha, dont cha
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me
Dont cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me
Dont cha, dont cha
(How odd, only women post on this board, for the most part!)
Jen - Change the lightbulbs yourself! Like Madi said, you'll feel like a super hero when you do something for yourself. I remember when my ex left, my HIGH for the week was remembering to take out the trash. Woo hoo! When I do have stuff that I really cannot fix, I call a friend or two. I'd sooner eat worms than let my ex know that I need him for ANYTHING. I promise you, I was just like you, I just wanted him to be civil. I called and called about the most ignorant stuff, just to see if he was the man I fell in love with. He never was, he was cruel, hateful, and downright mean. COLD.
Over the summer, I was doing laundry. I was waiting for the last load to dry and reading a book. The dog and I were laying on the couch... All of the sudden, there was the God Awful-est WHOOOOOOOOSH you ever heard: the drop ceiling over the chair and end of the couch FELL IN!! There was about 100 years of old plaster and wall paper on the ceiling that finally fell off. Holy schnikes, you shoulda seen the mess! I just stood there, literally with my mouth hanging open for 2 minutes. I called my best friend who lives across the street and said, "You gotta see what just happened. Bring S (her h) and come over." We all just pitched in and cleaned it up. Three hours later with 2 HUGE garbage cans full of junk and about 6" worth of dust and dirt - we're talking in the couch cushions, in all the knick knack table stuff... It looked like my own private 9/11. A few days later, my ex calls and said that his parents had seen the couch cushions sitting outside - did I have the couch cleaned? I told him what had happened. He said, "Oh, sweetie, you should have called." I was SO THRILLED I didn't have to! I said, "Oh, it was no big deal, we got it fixed."
Let me also say that once his mean-ness wore off, he's gone completely the other way with "I love you so much and you're the love of my life" bullsh!t. I would MUCH rather have it that we didn't have any contact, it's so much easier.
However... I really truly have moved on. I've got a great guy in my life who worships the ground I walk on and treats me like a Princess! I'm tired of putting my life on hold for my ex and hoping that one day he'll GET IT.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to NEVER EVER rely on him. It might take away the sting momentarily, if he comes to help, but then he'll feel like you CAN'T do it on your own. You know you can.
Yay us, power tools, Pussycat Dolls and all!!
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Well i personally get a great high out of doing things that the ex used to grumble about and make out to be such difficult and time consuming stuff.
Taking out the trash............gee how hard is that to do every friday. Maybe the bags used to have led in them or something!
Renovating and painting ........... I love doing it. I turn on the tunes really loud and go to it. Before you know it the room is done and looks great!
But then it was always just so much of an effort just to get him up off the couch and when he decided he needed in shape he started walking for 2 hours a night........geesh he should have just started doing some damn chores
Well, I can do the painting and redecorating stuff... but that's about it! I am REEEEEEEEEALLY good at taking things apart. And, then I am really good at going to Wal-Mart to replace the thing I couldn't put back together.
I did try to fix the outlet in the bathroom once. It was loose, so I tried to re-position the inside guts and re-attach it. Well, I neglected to turn off the breaker first and got one HELL of a shock. I have given up on electrical work. However, I have a Handy Randy (neighbor) who knows all about that. It's a win-win situation.
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
I am so proud that a post with my name on it has turned into such a girl-power thread!
Kim - My ex also used to make very easy tasks sound really difficult. I'm learning that if a man can do it, a woman can probably do it just as well if not better.
What could be more sexy that a chick with a drill. We are hot property, girls!
<<What could be more sexy that a chick with a drill. We are hot property, girls!>>
ROFLMAO!! We ARE sexy beyotches!
I was just trying to think if I've ever used a drill. I have - in my bathroom, to install the towel rack and TP holder. The TP holder is "nearly" straight, but I figured if someone brings a level into the bathroom to see if everything is straight, they have bigger problems than my slightly cock-eyed TP holder! I left it! I have also used a big heat gun thing to get up the icky linoleum in there. Woo hoo. I'm very good with a hammer. And tape.
Maybe we should start a home improvement company? Or better yet - get our own Home Makeover show?
Monica
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
