So I am home sick for the last two days, I have pneumonia. I was sleeping yesterday when I get a phone call from the police. My ex and I are both in the military and he call the military police. This is not the first time he has done this. He called the MP's about a month ago when I emailed him a stupid joke. I didn't mean anything by it just thought he should read it. It was something stupid about cheating husbands in Hong Kong, their wives are allowed to kill them with their bare hands and the mistress can be killed any way the wife feels fit. Maybe I shouldn't have sent it, but I thought it was funny and it was the day I came back from having STD tests done. I was humiliated and wanted him to know it. We talked and I tried to tell him how I felt, of course the selfish bastard didn't care or get it. So he thought the email was a threat so he called the MP's.

They were good about it and didn't think I had done anything wrong. But I had to promise not to call or email him any more. So I didn't. NO matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to call him a 100 times to get some answers, even though I know I will never get them. But I didn't call him or email him. Until Thursday, and I made a big mistake. I emailed him to tell him how much it hurt that he was flaunting his little whore around the base in front of me and my friends. Stupid I know, and I hate myself for doing it.

So what does the looser do but run to the police. Now they want to interview me and the last time they told me i would be charged with harrassment if I talked to him again. This is great I have my heart ripped out and I get charged.

He is acting like I was nothing more then his girlfriend and he can just tell me to leave him alone and that is the end of it all. He never once has thought about how I am feeling about all of this, about him "dating" his OW, about us getting divorced, any of it. Why does he get to be so selfish about it all? Why am I not allowed to ask questions and get answers? He is still legally my husband for God sake and I am not allowed to talk to him.

How long does it take before this whole crap stops hurting? How long before my heart stops aching? I don't want him back, I was not that happy in my marriage, he wasn't that great of a H so why is this hurting me so much?

And if he is so happy in his "relationship" (still hard for me to swallow that word) why does he keep pulling this ****? And why can't he just be a man and take his lumps? Does he not believe I have a right to be angry and hurt and say things to him? Do I not have that right, given the situation?

He actually blamed me for his affair? Oh yes it was my fault because I got a nasty yeast infection and had it for several months. But I was all better by the time he cheated. And then he accused me of cheating, which never happened.

I want to be able to ask all these questions, I want to be able to heal myself but he just won't allow that to happen.

I really hate him right now, and i just want to let go of my anger and move on. It has only been two months (dec 6 I found out about the A) since he moved out how does he expect me to have let go already. He told me just after I kicked him out that I should stop living in the past. God it was not even a month at that point.

Sorry for going on and on. I am just a puddle of tears right now. I want to end all of this crap now. I sure wish they made a little pill to make this all disappear.

There is 'something' I don't get and I apologise if I trespass....

If I read you correctly: both of you are in the military - you are still legally married - the OW is pregnant - does his supervisor knows about the situation? BTW are you by any chance civilians? If you are... I am very sad for this situation, if you're not civilians.... ever heard of "conduct unbecoming"????

Wishing you peace and the strength to find it.

And as you walk you make your path Kat

Yes we are military, husband and I, OW is civilian. Unfortuntaly there is nothing I can do, I have tried. Because I have no concrete proof other then she is pregnant. But I can't even prove that because H is such a liar he may be lying about that just to hurt me. So I can only figure out how to deal with this and move on. I am not sure how that will happen but getting advice on here is helpful.

Thank you.

Sandra,

The hard part to remember is that your H left a long time ago. He is MILES ahead of you in terms of healing. You are now playing catch up. HE knew what he was doing - and disentangling himself all the while. You had no idea. See what I mean? Plus, he's got the novelty of the new skank to occupy his mind and stuff the guilt waaaaaaaaaay down deep. He may never understand what he did to you. That's a bitter pill to swallow, I know... I still choke on that one myself, from time to time. He isn't trying to figure out what he might have done differently, to make things work. You are.

At the end of the day, you'll get there, and be healed and whole again. He won't. He'll always have the CRAP he did to you, buried somewhere, just below the surface.

Just remember that YOU took the high road. Nothing he says can EVER take that from you. He's got a new relationship based on a bunch of lies and hurt. What kind of foundation is that? It's cracked, already. Imagine what the day-to-day stress is going to do it.

You aren't going to be able to MAKE him feel your pain. You can't clobber him with it, although it might be nice... Some people just never get it. They can rationalize absolutely anything. They can find validation for their actions where none exists. Some of the truly clueless will go to their grave thinking they were completly justified in doing whatever made THEM happy, at that moment - and the rest of the hurt they caused is just collateral damage.

BTW, thanks for all you do for us, as a soldier. That really is cool. HANG IN THERE!! Kickbox your way through this. Scream. Yell. Cry. Yell. Punch things. Yell some more. Read here. Yell a little more, for good measure. And then just sit back and watch how things unravel without your help.

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Monica you touched my heart thank you. I love my job and it give me a lot of satisfaction.

You are so right about him he will die thinking he was right.

I have found out a lot more about him this week then I ever knew and clearly he was not a very moral kind of guy. I just didn't know it, he had me fooled. He dated a married stripper just before me, she broke up with him weeks before me. And before that he hired a hooker, before that he dated several other women at once. Before that he dated a girl for about 4 years that he cheated on several times and hired a hooker again.

So clearly he was never good enough for me. I am trying to be stronger today and not thinking about him as much today. I do scream and cry and yell and kickbox. Unfortunatly I haven't gone all week because i am sick. But I will get better and go again.

Thank you all for your support.

<You are so right about him he will die thinking he was right>
I have a little experience with his type... I divorced one of them in June '05.



Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Monica- How did you handle it? I have started to deal a lot better now. Realizing that he is a narcissus really does help. There is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of this marriage.

Hmmm... For the first few months, I spent SO much time being mad at him and making things ugly that I didn't heal. I was still projecting energy onto the situation. I dated. Both, bad moves.

Then, I found a great therapist and learned how to really handle the situation. I journaled a lot. I mean, A LOT. I sometimes wrote 7 or 8 pages a day. Re-reading them helped - to see how far I'd come. I asked for help from my friends and family and LET them help. Slowly, I realized that I was walking away, relatively healthly - and he was still (and IS still) carrying so much baggage from past relationships.

It took me a long time to get used to being alone and being content in my own skin, that was the hardest part. I spent a lot of time on the phone and online, just trying to make a connection with someone so I didn't feel completely alone. As it stands now, I like being alone. I like changing things to suit ME (redecorating - that kind of thing). I took a trip to California and had the time of my life. I reconnected with old friends and made new ones that my ex wouldn't have taken the time to get to know.

I took foster parenting classes and got my license last month - so maybe I will share my life with a child who needs me.

It's a journey, it really is. A year ago, I was so mad and hung up on WHY he hurt me... This year, I know there was nothing - abolutely NOTHING I could have done to change the outcome of my marriage.

In September, I met a really sweet guy and have been dating him since then. He could NOT be any more opposite of my ex. He is divorced too (from a cheater who never came clean), so we have more respect for this relationship and eachother. He thinks infidelity is like the LOWEST thing a person could do, and I agree.

I had to let go. I let go of all the "what if?" things. I think I've actually forgiven my ex. He wasn't laying awake worrying about it, I was, so that was more for me than him. I'm not mad at him anymore. Again, he never cared so that was another thing I did for me.

Just focus on one day at a time - change what you can - give your energy to what needs it first, THAT DAY and let the other stuff fall into place. Don't be too hard on yourself and know that you'll have some bad days along the way... but don't lose hope.

I think you're doing great. You're making steps in the right direction, for sure!


Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Thank you Monica. It is nice to know that people really do heal from all of this pain. I am glad to hear you are happy now, it gives me a lot of hope. I am really trying and have had a good few weeks. Silly things set me back though, like today I watched a movie and there was a part where the man cheats with another woman. That made me cry and think of ex. But not for long, I journal when I start thinking of that stuff. I hate how things have ended but you are right there is nothign I could do to change the outcome of my marriage, I would have had to change my entire personality in order to change the out come. In the end I just can't live with a cheater.

Thanks for your great advice. I am actually going out tonight dancing with my girlfriends. I am in a much better place now.

Hi Jennifer

Speaking of films to avoid, I recommend steering clear of Walk the Line(The Johny Cash film). It is an excellent film ruined for me by the fact that the whole thing was a big celebration of an extra-marital affair. I sat there gripping my seat in anger and feeling sorry for wife, who we are supposed to feel no sympathy for.

Madix

I couldn't bring myself to watch that movie either.
I also refuse to buy any more Garth Brooks CD's. I actually through out the ones I already had. I watched about 5 mins of his interview on Oprah the other day and turned it. He left his wife for Trisha Yearwood. I just couldn't stop thinking you cheating bastard.