I am quickly approaching the day I got married (I refuse to call it my anniversary). My emotions are all over the damn place, but mostly I feel so alone.
I went out driving tonight just to get out of the house. I ended up just wandering around the city......feeling lost and so empty.
I used to love spring. The tulips would start blooming here and all the snow would melt. Some days there would be a special treat and it would be incredibly warm. The day of my wedding we needed airconditioning. This year has also been unseasonably warm just like that year.
I still hurt and I still cry on occasion. The memories are everywhere and it drives me insane. I begin to hate myself for falling into this pit, yet I can't bring myself out of it.
It is Good Friday and most of the afternoon and evening were spent in tears........and I am so damn tired of crying.
I want peace, I am just not sure where to find it.
I am sorry you are hurting. You have a right to hurt. You've been to hell, and you are still working your way back. It's OK that you are hurting and mourning the loss of your dreams and your life.
I guess one of the biggest drawbacks to internet communication is that we can only offer comfort to each other from a distance. If we all lived close to each other, we could drive to see each other when one of us was down and needed the support. The physical presence would give comfort. So I'm sorry none of us lives closer to you, so you could have a friend with you now when it sounds like you could really use one.
Please remember that you have touched a lot of lives in very real ways. You have encouraged, comforted, cajoled, and cared when others needed help. You have been honest about your situation and your feelings. You HAVE made a difference in my life and others' lives. I realize that knowledge may not bring you any peace, but you are important. You are good. You are cared about. Please remember that.
Healing is hard to do when you are alone...and having massive triggers...know how you feel...
Kim the peace you are looking for is inside yourself...it is acceptance that this infidelity happen, and that as you look back you can not blame yourself for anything...Kim, I mean the doubts that skirt your mind...if U had done this or this then WS would have stayed...Kim you did the best you could...nothing else you could have done...would have made any difference...accepting that is easy but truly believing it is so much harder...believe in the new Kim...she is the powerful new person who has achieved so much by herself.....
celebrate you ...and your personal growth...your achievements...
Pat.......this is hard to explain but it isn't the infidelity that hurts as I have accepted that. It is the part that came after. The abandonment of the person who "claimed" to love me. The total disregard for whether I was alive or dead. The painful things that were said. The complete lack of remorse.
When I get sad it is never about him with her. It is usually triggered by memories of us together travelling or attending something together, etc. I guess I am still grieving the loss of my marriage.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone. Today was a bit better. Tomorrow will be even better. My pain is a momentary thing.....it will go away eventually!
It IS like losing a good friend, isn't it? This friend was with us through lots of good times and bad times, they knew your background, your family, your secrets... and yet, they betrayed the biggest trust there is. They threw that all away. They weren't really friends afterall, they were the worst kind of enemy.
I know you sometimes hate that you're alone - but I keep telling you, you're waiting for THE ONE. This whole journey has become part of who you are, and you just haven't met the one who is worthy of it all.
I mean, really... you're a woman with POWER TOOLS!
This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words. Today has been a bit better although I think till the end of this month comes and goes I will be on edge. Last year at the beginning of April I was on my cruise and when I came back I was so busy I didn't have a chance to think about things.....this time of year passed easier last year.
My 10 year anniversary is on Thursday and it is just killing me. We have been separated about 2 months now. Last week he signed the seperation agreement and I am buying him out of our house. In one year, we will be divorced.
And I know how you feel -- that overwhelming, aching lonliness. It feels like everywhere I go, I see happy, married couples and I feel like I'm the only person in the world without someone to love or love me.
The 4-year anniversary of D-day is this July. It has been nothing but a struggle. During that time, he never gave up chatting online with other women, calling them and even meeting them. I just logged onto his e-mail and I see he told some girl (I say girl, because she is 19. He is 34 and I am 37) that he mailed her $25 so they can meet. Her reply "baby wheres the hotel at?" Unbelieveable.
And I just keep asking myself, "why?"
Kid, I can't offer you any words of advice on how to deal with what you are feeling. All I can do is offer some empathy. I hope this gets better.
If I can comment in some way that may help - I hope so:
- Believe me that the pain of splitting up is one way of suffering and the pain of staying in a relationship with an A is also very much there ie the pain and suffering and heart-ache are the same sorts of feelings - When you stay you face a real life reminder of the A with you - Not easy either. One way or another there is suffering to bear.
- Affairs are fantasy stupid land and the people in them behave without any regard for what matters. After all, sex and emotional excitement like in an A are like cheap thrills and will only lead to unhappiness for those involved. Think of the foolish ex-partners as bringing this burden on themselves and either do not let it hurt you or simply know that they are the ones who will pay the price.
I wish you well,
I believe that there are a certain number of tears that must be cried before you are completely healed and they just have to be cried sooner or later. Would it be helpful to think that each tear is bringing you closer to being completely healed?
<<It IS like losing a good friend, isn't it? This friend was with us through lots of good times and bad times, they knew your background, your family, your secrets... and yet, they betrayed the biggest trust there is. They threw that all away. They weren't really friends afterall, they were the worst kind of enemy.>>
I think that sums up the pain of it all perfectly Monica. I sometimes think it would be easier to moarn a death than this. If he had died, I could have held his memory intact. But, as it is, all the memories are now tarnished with betrayal.