I am not single again yet.....but just looked at this board & read a bit.
What I would like to know is this...
Is there anybody here who was a WS who was trying to put their marriage back together but their spouse ultimately decided on D.
How do you start over?
I still have 3 kids at home. My youngest is only 8.
Only work PT because we both decided I needed to be here for my kids in the afternoon to shuffle to various afterschool appointments & activities.
How do you start over when you have nothing?
When you live in one of the most expensive parts of the country?
I just don't know where to begin or what to do.
Maybe they would all just be better off without me...
"Maybe they would all just be better off without me..."
I have to strongly recommend that you discuss this with your doctor or a counsellor. Your children NEED a mom. Just because times are tough now, doesn't mean they will always be this way.
After dday I tried to committ suicide because I didn't think I could go on anymore. The pain was just so great. It sounds like you are in alot of pain. Please find somebody to talk to about it.....a doctor or therapist.
I was the BS and I wanted to work on the marriage, my exH didn't. He didn't think it could be salvaged.
Well my thoughts on this subject are here...my husband cheated on me several times with a close friend of mine, said he loved her etc..We had 13 years and three children..11,9 and 4.I chose to divorce my H after the pain of trying to repair the marriage became too much for me to bear.We tried several times but there was so much anger and energy from the affair infront of our children I knew it wasnt healthy. I believe that a marriage can be repaired if two people are commited and calm, however I knew deep within myself that I would never let go the feelings of what they did to me. The betrayal ran too deep and ultimately I knew the trust would never be regained. My father commited suicide last April and I know cherish each moment of y life and focus on me and the children. I have met a new man who treats me well and whom I am building a different relationship with...Its been hard ,very hard and I've been so up and down emotionally,but it is a rollercoaster and I longed for what I once had...but now I focus on what I have and who I've become..Affairs change people and we all have the strength to cope with whatever we decide to do..but only you know how you truly feel inside..dont let others influence your decision it has to be yours...you will get there...I never thought I'd cope alone...my divorce was finalised in February..and I'm seeing the world differently..I havent truly let go of my ex..we will always have a connection because of the children...but I'm no longer in love with him..I didnt want a life filled with insecurity and doubt but thats just me..hope this helped a little..hugs.xxxxxxxxxx
Please look at your children and dont do anything silly,I had the same thoughts,but my children give me all the strength I need now and happiness...concentrate on them and you.Things will then fall into place.you will get stronger each day.I'm 2 and a half years on and it still hurts...but my children keep me focused.xxxxx
This message has been edited by Mec30 on May 2, 2008 6:29 AM
I know you don't know me, but I did not expect to be getting a divorce either. I tried several times in every way I knew how to save my marriage, but wasn't able to. My husband wants a divorce, and there isn't anything I can do to change that. The first part of dealing with it is acceptance. While it's hard, I am learning to accept the fact I cannot change what is happening right now.
The most important thing I can do for myself, and perhaps you can benefit from this, is to take this one step at a time. All you have is today, and you can only do things about what is happening right now. Don't overwhelm yourself. It would behoove you greatly to talk to an attorney. Then you will know realistically what your options are and where you are starting out financially. Also, look into alternatives to your part time situation. Maybe they will take you full time or know someone who will. I wasn't working, and had nothing saved. I am now working and working hard. I am hoping it will come to fruition, and am afraid regarding finances also, so I understand. But I know I can do this. I know you can too!
No one is going to be better off without you. While it may be tempting to think about ending pain, pain ends in its own time, and it lessens over time. I guess what I am saying is that it goes away at some point whether you believe it will or not, and even whether you want it to or not. You can be sad through certain hours of the day, and take the rest of the day off from your pain by focusing on where your love comes from. You have a lot of love in your life. Your children love you, you probably have family members or friends who love you. While it may not be the love you are looking for or want right now, it is valuable, especially if you recognize it and give it value. Water the flowers with your tears and not the weeds. If you take time to pull the weeds, it isn't fun, but you lay the foundation for your garden. If you tend to the flowers, you will end up with something beautiful. Right now, all you see is dirt. What you don't see is its potential. If you plant the right seeds for you, you will grow into the life you envision. It's hard, but every time I start thinking about the fear or the loneliness, or beating myself up over what I did or didn't do, I refocus on what I am doing right this moment. It takes practice.
(((((healingmyheart))))))
Nobody would be better off without you..It is just sooo hard to see thru the pain and fear right now...I wish you had a good IC, I need to find one for myself also....
Michelle....Thank you your words helped me
Lisa
I am not single again yet.....but just looked at this board & read a bit.
What I would like to know is this...
Is there anybody here who was a WS who was trying to put their marriage back together but their spouse ultimately decided on D.
How do you start over?
I still have 3 kids at home. My youngest is only 8.
Only work PT because we both decided I needed to be here for my kids in the afternoon to shuffle to various afterschool appointments & activities.
How do you start over when you have nothing?
When you live in one of the most expensive parts of the country?
I just don't know where to begin or what to do.
Maybe they would all just be better off without me...
HMH,
I am a WS and I am now divorced. After D-day in March 2005, I tried to reconcile with ex. I was put through the paces and I accepted what he said/did because of what I had done. However, my actions were never enough for him. He was never happy with what I did. If he wanted me to do something and I did, it didn't make him happy. So, under the guise of "reconciliation", in January 2007, ex moved out. Within less than a month, he was telling his co-workers that he was moving a woman out from California to live with him. I was shocked that he was doing that. He had given up on us. Unbeknownst to me, he was also planning on filing for divorce, however, his behavior became extremely abusive towards me and I ended up filing first.
How do you start over? Well, I was a stay-at-home mom for the entire marriage. I have only one year of college and NO work experience outside of food service. I had to get a job and now work for a Home Health Careprovider agency. I don't work many hours and the pay isn't great. They don't pay my taxes and I owed $300 this year. I have four children, whom I am the sole guardian of. I have to juggle their activities and be home when they get out of school as well. I live in Ohio and don't know where you live, though I can guess a few locales. It isn't easy, you may need to up your hours of working while the kids are in school, though I know it won't be easy with school coming to a close. I plan on holding onto this job and then finding another one when the kids resume school in the fall. I don't know how old the other two children are but if they are old enough to babysit their younger sibling, then that would be great for you. If not, then you may have to arrange childcare through a friend, neighbor or your ex. I know that I won't have my children for five weeks when they get out of school and then I will have them for five weeks. I have a friend who will babysit for the few hours that I need to work each day and in return, I will give her a little spending money. I can't afford much, as I don't make much and she knows that but she is willing to take whatever, as she is on disability now.
You stated that you have a part-time job, how many hours do you work? Can you get more hours while the kids are in school? Is there maybe a job you can do from home that would allow you to be home with them during the summer and tide you over until they go back to school? I know it isn't easy starting over, especially when you have little lives depending upon you. My goal for myself is to eventually get off welfare, and stop being so dependent upon ex's childsupport. Right now, I get alimony but that will end in November 2009. So, I need to get a better job to replace the money I will lose from him AND still make a decent enough wage to supplement what I do get now. I struggle to make ends meet as five people in the house is expensive.
Anyway, please seek professional help from your doctor about your depression. I am on happy pills because I was depressed and thoughts of suicide were constantly in my head. Your children need you and would NOT be better off without you. Would you REALLY like for your ex to raise them??? I know that I wouldn't want mine, so I have to keep myself healthy for them.
your words helped me