I know that most of the BS's here tried MC before they threw in the towel. I approached my IC with the subject since WH has said he wanted to work on the marriage. IC was not very optimistic. He said if I felt I needed to try it, then try it, that no one can predict the outcome. He said WH must be willing to go and do the work...if he isnt then I have my answer.
Anyone have any thoughts or advice? I feel I really need some help here.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This is my opinion, and mine alone, I think if he isn't willing to do IC that MC is a waste of time. I told ex that we needed to work on OURSELVES before we could work on our marriage. He attended IC for three sessions and then quit. Your WH has to look inside and work on himself before he can be in any shape to tackle the marriage. If he isn't willing to go to IC, then I don't think he is serious about working on your marriage. I think you are better off staying your course of divorce. Nothing in what you have written to HH has spoken to me that he is interested in working on himself. He is damaged and needs to start fixing those cracks before he can be "whole" enough to work and contribute to the marriage. I feel that if you try to work on your marriage with him still thinking he isn't in the wrong for his affairs, pot, etc. then you are only going to end up getting hurt again. I know you've been through a lot of pain and I would hate to see you go through more. Right now, you're trying to distance yourself emotionally from him (and I know that that is difficult, as I have had to do the same thing) but working on the marriage would mean that you would have to invest some of your emotions into it to work on it. I think that by doing that, it will only continue to confuse you, more than the conflicting feelings you are having right now.
Of course, this is just my opinion, but I think you need to work on healing yourself and your WH needs to work on HIMSELF before he can start talking on working on your marriage or even THINK of trying to get you back. HE has a lot to answer for, things that he seems to be afraid to face and that doesn't tell me that he is willing to do the hard work. It will be hard, it will be unpleasant and it will be ugly but if he wants to GROW and better himself, then he must go through this. You can liken it to childbirth, we must go through the pain and the agony of labor in order to bring forth something beautiful. He is going to have to do so too. Or you can use this analogy with him (as men can't give birth---YET LOL LOL). Ask him if he knew that if you see a butterfly struggling from its cocoon that you are not supposed to help it emerge. The butterfly MUST struggle out of its cocoon on its own volition because if it receives help, then it will die shortly afterwards. The struggle it faces in getting out helps strengthen its wings so that when it is free, it can fly and survive. If it is assisted, then the wings cannot develop the strength needed to survive and the butterfly will die. This is what your husband must undergo, a transformation. He must be that caterpillar that spins the chrysallis and lay dormant for a while and then struggle to emerge as that beautiful butterfly. While in the chrysallis, he must face his inner demons and look inside of himself, then struggle to get out of the chrysallis by working on destroying those imperfections in himself that he sees. Then and only then can he be a new person and emerge stronger than when he went in.
I know, corny analogy but I think it is appropriate in this case, in any WS's case. I know for myself, I had a lot of introspection I had to do after my affair AND after my ex left us last year. I have become a different person, stronger and more capable of dealing with new relationships better than I used to be.
I hope some of what I have said makes sense and helps you.
Dear Cal,
I went to MC several times, the final time was a last ditch effort to save the marriage. However, I came to realize that his promise to work on himself through MC wasn't happening. I had only agreed to MC on the understanding that he would work on his issues in MC since he quit IC.
Depending on your MC, this experience may be good for both of you if WH agrees to do EVERYTHING it takes to heal the marriage and especially work on his own issues. However, your WH has a number of issues besides the A's... drug use, ongoing A's, inability to decide things and stick to them, problems with priorities. It may be asking too much to work on all those things AND the marriage in this framework (MC) alone. (It sounds like he needs rehab and individual counseling as well)
However, if you still want to do something to help you make up your mind about the whole thing, then you can try it. At least then you can say you've tried everything you could before ending the marriage (or not if it is successful).
I wish you well and send you big hugs.
Diane
My guess is that your IC would prefer to see you go forward with your own healing and not get sucked back into the seemingly futile attempt to save your husband and marriage. I don't know if your husband is in IC but I personally believe that until he is, and has been for a significant amount of time, there is no point to MC. He has abused every chance he's been given. It seems that your role was to make him look good; to make the picture he presented to the world pretty and respectable. His role was to live life on his terms while feeling entitled to the best you could offer him with no regard for what was best for you. That worked for him for a long time. Unfortunately, you paid the price. He needs help and I hope he gets it for his own sake, but for your sake, don't put too much faith in MC at this point.
In my experience, even in the midst of a divorce, there are moments when one spouse will do or say something that gives hope to the other that things will work out. Try to keep it in perspective. It's normal to feel encouraged by moments like that, but hope can be a double edged sword. I hung on to it for far too long and one kind word from my husband was all I needed to allow myself to believe in things I should have known better than to believe. He consistently used any opening I gave him as a way to hurt me. And yet I gave him that opening over and over again, to my own detriment. It's so hard to give up hope on someone you've loved and devoted your life to. But there comes a point when you have to drag yourself out of the quicksand and give yourself the opportunity for happiness. It won't come right away but you have to ask yourself if it will ever come if you stay where you are. Even if your husband claims he loves you, (and I'm sure he does have deep feelings for you), remember that love is more than feelings, it's actions, too. Look at his actions; what do they tell you? And I don't mean an isolated action or two - I'm talking about consistent actions over a long period of time. Without mutual respect, loyalty, honesty, an ability to communicate, and a true desire for what is best for your partner how can you have a mutually beneficial partnership?
I think you are still hoping something is going to happen that will turn your husband into the man you want and need. I did it, too, and I recognize all the signs. But it only prolonged the inevitable. My head knew there was no way to salvage my marriage but it took my heart a long time to catch up. My heart still has moments of doubt but I have finally accepted that even though I will always love my former husband, I cannot have a life with him. I can love him in a way that respects the life we had together yet see and understand all the reasons that life is over. It is excruciatingly painful at times. There are days I'm not sure I will ever really heal. But I do know that if he were present in my life on a daily basis (as your husband seems to be in yours), I would never be able to move forward. The pull of the past is too powerful. The familiarity of him, the comfort of his voice, the way he knows me . . . it's all very intoxicating and seductive. Like you, after we separated I sometimes found myself in situations where being with him seemed so natural and right. But I had to remember that he was a man who didn't respect me, a man who didn't honor our marriage, a man who lied to me too easily, a man who wasn't capable of giving me the emotional security I craved. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I wish it could have turned out differently, no matter how much I love him, I believe I deserve better than that. And so do you, Cal.
I can't tell you whether or not to try marriage counseling. That's for you and your husband to decide. Just remember, even if your husband agrees to go, you won't have your answer for a very long time. It's just the first step and there are no guarantees, as I'm sure you know. How much more time are you willing to invest? Only you know the answer to that.
Thank you everyone for your replies...all good ones! Lost to think about <sigh>
DG...EVERYTHING you said is right on...pretty much how Ive been feeling. But also like Diane said, this is the one thing we have not really tried and I can honestly say I have done everything. But I am not even 100% sure I want to give MC a try. He has been in IC for almost 2 years and has made very little progress. I don't think he can do this.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
My counsellor bluntly told me, marriage counselling is a waste of time and money unless your H (ex now) is ready, willing and able to do the work needed to rebuild the marriage. At that point in time he was grudgingly attending IC but wouldn't put any effort into it.
My personal opinion - if he can't put the effort into changing himself knowing that he has the issues, then what good is marriage counselling and how would that be any different than his 2 years of IC.
You know I have been here almost as long as you have. I have rooted for you and your marriage. I have to agree with Kim. At this point, after two years of IC, if your H were truly committed to changing his bad behaviors, you would already have seen huge differences in him. He would want to go to MC to improve your marriage and himself. If he hasn't learned from IC, hasn't even been willing to learn and change, what is truly the point of going to MC other than to string you along even more than he already has?
Just my sad fairy cents' worth and HUGE fairy hugs to you, dear Cal,
