Next Sat. I will be at a birthday for the son of my former sister -in-law. Her son specifically asked that I be invited. So I feel that I want to come and participate in this event.
My XH will be there along with the new woman in his life. This will be the first time I meet her face to face or even hear her voice. Hopefully my children will come too (they are all invited).
I'm feeling uneasy about the meeting. All kinds of things are going through my head: How will I compare to her in the eyes of others who will most likely make the comparison. How will I feel meeting her.. right now I feel uneasy. How will my children react. How will I feel seeing them speaking with this woman. How will I feel seeing my grandchildren interacting with her. How will I feel seeing my XH being a boyfriend to her.
How will I keep my cool and get through this day?
I mentioned to my daughter that she (the girlfriend) will be coming. My daughter immediately stated that I have NOTHING whatsoever to worry about... meaning there is no comparison!!!
It made me feel a bit better to hear that from her. I guess I'm just over-thinking things, but I can't help it, it seems.
Diane

Diane,

I KNOW how you feel. This past Thursday was my youngest son's 10th birthday. As our rule, we gave him a huge party because we don't for the other years. He got to invite friends and have it where he wanted. It was SOOOOOOO awkward having ex's new wife and step-son AS WELL as his parents there. Fortunately, I had my parents and my aunt there for my support. I feel for you. All I can say is hold your head up high, be gracious to all (I had to do so two weeks ago when I got my children from ex's wedding reception, talk about AWKWARD!!!). Your ex-sister-in-law's son must think highly of you to have specifically requested you there, so focus your attention on HIM. It is his special day and he wanted you to share it with him. I know it will feel strange and odd to be amongst ex's family and friends, but stay for as long as is acceptable for you and then take your leave. I read somewhere when you have a situation such as this, to make plans for that afternoon so that you can drop in and pay your respects and then say that you have an appointment that you must go to. This allows you to be respectful of the young man's feelings BUT at the same time, not put you in an uncomfortable setting.

Good luck, I know you will show everyone how gracious you are, despite what your ex-husband has done. I think that it will be the opposite of what you're thinking---the guests will be whispering about HIM bringing his girlfriend to the party, when your divorce has been barely over. THAT is totally crass. It will also make them gossip about how he met said girlfriend and maybe make them realize that you are the victim in this situation.

Thank you DH,
It makes me feel a little better knowing what I am feeling is normal under the circumstances. I am preparing myself emotionally to go through this and you have helped me. Your idea of making an early departure will depend on if I come by myself or with my son and his family. I'll think about that one... maybe making plans can get me out graciously, I'll see if that is possible.
Diane

Diane,

DH is right on.. and your children will protect you.. Your Grandchildren love you!!!! most children are open to all people who are nice to them.. but it doesn't mean that they love you less or will stop loving you. You are the GRANDMOTHER and no one can take that title away from you.. let the grandchildren refer to the GF by her first name .. or Ms. XYZ.. discuss this with your children as they will direct their children to the proper address of the OW.

Just remember that you are special and a wonderful lady.. your nephew wanted you there.. special request that you be invited.. you are still a special aunt in his life..the divorce didn't change his love for you..

A friend who went thru a divorce was invited to her XH's niece's wedding.. she was asked to sit at the brides table with her XH's brother and SIL.. The OW who had married her XH ( they were seated at the back of the room with friends) was very angry that she wasn't seated at the table with the bride.. OW mentioned this to another family member, the family member told her that my friend was truly wanted at the wedding and OW was not.. she was there because XH was related.. LOL the XH and OW left shortly there after. I heard this story this summer and we had a good laugh.

Go enjoy the party .. you don't have anything to worry about..

((((hugs))))

Pat




"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Just remember she is the outsider, not you.

Hold your head high and act like the picture of a got it together woman. The best revenge is living well

She is likely thinking the exact way. What will they think of me? etc.

Thanks Pat and Kid,
I am feeling better about it in general, but I still have butterflies thinking about it. I guess I'll just have to get through it by concentrating on the reason I'm there, to celebrate my nephew's birthday(former nephew, but I still think of him as my nephew).
I will be okay... I will be gracious (at least as much as I can muster)and will try to enjoy the day.
Thanks again to everyone who has commented.
Diane

Diane, just a question is the new GF the OW that your XH was involved with before your divorce? that to me would determine how you treat the W..

If she was not part of XH's life before D they be gracious.. if she was seeing XH while you were married just ignore her..let her be the uncomfortable person at the party.

and just to say Your X nephew is still your nephew he wants you in his life because he loves you those are the ties that bind you to him.. LOVE..

have a great time at the party.

(((Pat)))

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Pat,
As far as I know she is not an OW, but he seemed to be flaunting his relationship with her as soon as the ink was barely dry on our divorce papers so I don't know if this relationship started before we were officially divorced or not.
In any case the 2 OW that he had during our marriage were from foreign countries with him flying to meet them for week long trysts. They are all I know about for sure.
My kids had been cool towards her in the beginning since XH started introducing her around as his girlfriend so soon and they knew what a contrast that was to my situation where I was grieving for a long time and have yet to "get a life" so to speak.
In anycase, if he started during our short separation before the divorce, which seems likely, I really shouldn't let that bother me I guess. I didn't want him by then... I didn't know anything about her until after the divorce and my kids finally told me.
I still grieved and went through hell adjusting to the huge change in my life and my dreams as I had once pictured them... and felt such bitter disappointment in my soon to be XH and later XH.
Well, I plan to rise above the situation.
Diane

My kids had been cool towards her in the beginning since XH started introducing her around as his girlfriend so soon and they knew what a contrast that was to my situation where I was grieving for a long time and have yet to "get a life" so to speak.
In anycase, if he started during our short separation before the divorce, which seems likely, I really shouldn't let that bother me I guess. I didn't want him by then... I didn't know anything about her until after the divorce and my kids finally told me.
I still grieved and went through hell adjusting to the huge change in my life and my dreams as I had once pictured them..

Diane,

Whether he met her before your divorce or after the divorce, it still hurts. I know when my ex told me not even three months after the ink was dry on our divorce papers that he was engaged, I was devestated. I couldn't believe that he was ready to jump into another marriage so soon. It made me feel like he was celebrating the fact that he got out of our marriage and was "over" the fifteen years we spent together. I was shell-shocked (not that I wanted him back mind you) but the fact that he could just snap out of it so easily, not stop to think and contemplate our marriage, our life together, really stung. My oldest son is still very cool towards my ex. Tonight I went down to ex's apartment and dropped off some papers, my son DID NOT want to see his father (which he wasn't home at the time). He is very adamant about not seeing/spending time with his dad. He sees his father's actions as a betrayal to me. When ex brought his slut to live with him last June, my son saw it as a betrayal to my marriage, despite the fact that we were embroiled in a divorce by then. In other words: it just plain hurts. There's no other way to say it. You may not "love" him anymore, but the residual feelings for him are still there and are going to crop up whenever there is a date/anniversary you remember. Just take care of you and plan fun things to do. You're WORTH it, Diane. Let him parade his woman around like she's some sort of trophy because in some people's minds (including his family), all he has won is the booby prize.

Keep your head high, be gracious and let everything slide off your back. The less you show to everyone that he bothers you, the more respect you will earn with his family/friends. They will see that you have taken a shi!!y situation and have rose above it.

Best of luck.

DH

Perhaps the reason he/they are rushing into marriage is because they can't live alone. Perhaps they are emotionally unable to stand up on their own two feet. Maybe they can't stand their own company.

If you think of it in that regard, it sort of takes on a whole new perspective. At least it does for me.

Kid

Kim,

You are SOOOOOOOO right. My ex is afraid to be alone. He can't stand the thought of living by himself again AND take care of his children. He is a coward and pathetic. And I don't think his you-know-what can live without being used but hey, he had NO problem during our marriage going solo.

Oh well, he's not MY problem any longer and I doubt that his marriage is going to last. He doesn't know this woman and she doesn't know him. I CANNOT believe that they could KNOW each other well enough after only two months of dating to get engaged. I will laugh my a$$ off when it fails.

DH

Diane,

You are a woman of grace. I know you will behave with honor and grace at the party. My suggestion is that you get your hair done, wear a flattering outfit, perfect makeup, and a huge smile. Your intent in NOT to show up your ex's GF, but to give yourself a boost.

Go and have fun. You are WANTED at the party. She is simply invited.

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

FF,

Diane was wanted at the party but I HIGHLY doubt that her ex's gf was INVITED, more like he brought her along because they're an "item". LOL LOL I had to laugh at that line.

DH

Well, today is the day... I'm nervous, but will carry on.
My son and his wife want me to go with them so I won't be walking in alone... my daughter-in-law's idea. She wanted me to feel the support. I have great kids!!! My daughter will be there and yesterday she said there is no comparison between me and the NW... not to worry about that.
I still dread being in a social situation with my XH as well. I feel very weird.
Diane

By the time you read this the party will be over..

I hope that you had a wonderful time.

((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Well, I made it through somehow and the experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
My son's family and I arrived at the party late but XH and Gf arrived even later with our daughter. The GF came in the room and walked directly up to me and shook my hand. I was surprised at the sudden move and don't remember what she said. As the party progressed, I spent most of my time with grandchildren and children as well as XH's father and stepmother and the sisters one of whom is the mother of the birthday boy. At one point I saw the gf sitting alone on the couch and so went over to sit next to her and get aquainted. I asked some general questions about her and she said she recognized me from some choral event she attended once (I'm in a choir). Other than those few sentences, we didn't have a lot to say to each other... we parted ways and the party eventually ended.
What I found even more weird than meeting the gf was seeing xh with her and in general acting his usual self. He seemed pathetic somehow. Maybe I'm looking at him with new eyes... now that time and distance have had time to work on my head.
I'm even happier now that I'm not his wife than before this little event. Funny.

((((Diane))))...you made it through this, and with your usual style and grace. Be proud of yourself

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I'm even happier now that I'm not his wife than before this little event. Funny.

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good for you!!! You have an awesome strength of integrity and goodness!

Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ

You handled yourself so gracefully. You should be proud of yourself. Another one of the "1sts" down. If you're ever in this situation again you will know you can handle it.

Lisa

Hi all,
Since the party, I've had email messages from XH's sister saying that she admired the way I conducted myself and said that it didn't seem to phaze me. And when I told her I even had a short conversation with the woman she said that it was smart because it shows her (the gf) that she didn't intimidate me (I didn't think about it at the time, but maybe she's right). The sister also mentioned that the gf kept a low profile at the party (didn't act her usual self) probably because she saw how everyone really cares about me.
My XH called about something technical and then lingered on the phone and asked how it felt for me with the gf being there. I told him that it was weird. I said it was a weird feeling seeing him as well. XH said that he felt the same way. He then asked if I'd rather not he bring his gf to our grandson's birthday party this coming Sat. I was surprised he'd ask me that, but I told him that now I've met her it didn't matter to me anymore and that he should do what feels right for him.
Now I have just heard from my daughter that XH is moving in with this woman... well I hope they will be very happy together... they seem to suit each other (not)... but maybe they really do. From what I've heard about her from my x sister in law, she lacks empathy and tact... not knowing when to keep her mouth shut. Sounds like a match made in heaven. LOL
Diane
( I know I'm terrible for saying so!!!but I just couldn't help it)

Diane,

You wowed your XH and your family with your graciousness.. that's why he asked you about your grandsons party..
thoughtful gesture on his part..

(((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."