Well, it is now my turn to write on the singles board as we have started the divorce process. I want to say that I can hold my head up high and say that I did EVERYTHING to save my M...but I still feel quite battered down...and I feel like a fool for giving it another try.
I was feeling so good after last summer, I wish I had told the jerk absolutely not when he asked to give us another try. Maybe I could have left this M feeling like I had some dignity left and had stood up for myself. But no - I went to M counseling, found myself taking responsibility for things that I DID or SAID that could've made H feel "alone" (blah), wrote H a letter about the things that I loved about him to try to ease some of his "guilt" -- I look back down and feel like an idiot.
The last interaction H and I had -- he came over, took me in his arms, talked for about 45 minutes about everything he loved about me, he kissed me and told me that we were going to be ok...we had another conversation about OW and I asked again if he had had any contact with her (there had been doubts placed over the last week or so). I asked if he would show me his phone records, that I wanted so badly to trust him but needed more than just his word.
He couldn't "remember" the password to his phone account...he left...and guess what people - I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. Seriously. After 4 months of all this "hard work" the a#$hole RAN again.
So - I think the point of my ramble is A. How do I keep myself strong during this D procedure? B. How do I not break down in tears everytime I have to talk to the man or read an email from him? How do I hold it together in court?
This is just torture. Once I feel ok again, I'll get an email about the lawyers or something and its like I've been punched in the gut. I know i just need him out of my life - he has screwed with my head and my heart too many times but I feel so fragile right now. Like I have been through enough and don't know if I can take anymore. I thought H and I were coming to a place of mutual respect and kindness for each other - we spent so much time over these past few months, taking walks, talking about us, crying and hugging together. I can't believe he has just run off again. Coward.
I wish I could just close my eyes and end this heartache. I want to move on with my life...
There is no easy way through this unfortunately. The best advice I can give you is to cut off all contact with him unless you absolutely have to (ie in court). There are lawyers to deal with other things.
Likely deep down a part of him does love you in his own sick and twisted way, but he is too selfish to look at your feelings and needs, and he is stuck in lala land.
My ex was very similar with the hugs and telling me we would make it through this, etc and then walking out to the door to her or continuing to lie. I caught him lying time and time again and that's why I just couldn't live like that anymore.
I know it is painful, but it truly will be for the best. I will always love my exhusband, but love just isn't enough.
It's been 6 years for me and I rarely think about it. I wonder sometimes how he is and where he is, but more out of curiousity than out of a sense of wanting to be with him. Those days are long gone. I know what is good for me and what is not. He is not good for me.
As for the crying, can't help you there since I used to start crying at the mere mention of his name, or the sight of him. I'm not sure there is anything you can do to prevent tears, maybe just try to hold onto them until you are in a room by yourself. My therapist suggested allowing an hour a day to cry at a set specific time. When you know that you can just go into a bedroom and pound the mattress and lose it during 7-8 every night, you feel less inclined for it to happen during the day when you are at work, shopping etc. Not sure if that will help you at this point.
Just hang in there, concentrate on you and what makes you happy. Go for massages, buy yourself flowers, go for long walks, start new hobbies or continue with old. Get plenty of sleep, exercise and eat right. Take care of you first. By doing those things you will heal faster and feel better about yourself.
You tried and You have nothing to feel ashamed about .. he is the fool, he didn't treat you well.. he didn't respect you .. KA you can say at the end of the day you did all you could to try and save the relationship.. XH was the one who didn't do what he needed to do.
Hold your head up high and be proud of your actions..YOU are in the winning cirle.. as much as it hurts right now you can never look back and say if .. you did all you could and be proud of your work..
Now follow Kim's advice..
(((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I really hope you don't feel like ANY of this is your fault, because it is not. He did this, he made his bed and it is up to him to prove that you should give him another chance. None of that is your fault. It shouldn't have been you putting in all the effort after the affair, you didn't have it!!
I repeat - none of this is your fault so please please don't blame yourself. You did what anybody would have done by giving it a chance.
Don't ever feel like a food for trying to give somebody a chance to make up for their mistakes.
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this singles club. All the advice that Kim and Pat have given you is worth following. Divorce isn't easy and it isn't pretty but you can make it through. Your ex doesn't appreciate who you are and will one day look back and regret it (you may never know but he will).
I would add that the process of divorce is like a scrape or cut. It has to heal and scab over before it will start feeling better. Sometimes, especially if you have children with ex, you will have to rip that scab off and it will hurt all over again. Though I was the WS and my ex was the BS, I only contact him via email or VERY brief phone calls. I barely see him (usually his new wife picks the kids up from me) and that is fine with me. The less I have to interact with him, the healthier I become (not to mention he saves his health too because I'm not as likely to kick his sorry a$$ LOL).
IF you don't have children, the process will be easier (don't know but I'm sure that Kim could tell you of her experiences). I would suggest having any spousal support (if your state allows it) to be automatically deposited so that you don't have to see his face (usually there are agencies that can set that up for you). Like Kim said, let your lawyer do the talking, that is why you are paying him/her. I have written to SoCal about some other ideas on how to get through the process of mourning your ex. You can read her threads in Single.
I'm sorry for your pain but you can make it through, it will just take time. When it is all said and done, you know in your heart you did the best you could. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of in that.
Hi Ka
Sorry that you have to go through all of this, trust me in time you will be okay, you will be better then okay, you will feel great!!!
I have been divorced since 2003, I use to frequent the HH boards, now 6 years later I am doing very well for myself, I read here every so often and your post prompt me to write
****So - I think the point of my ramble is A. How do I keep myself strong during this D procedure? B. How do I not break down in tears everytime I have to talk to the man or read an email from him? How do I hold it together in court? ****
you will have good days and you will have bad days, but you will survive
If you break down in tears so what, you are human, you love/loved your husband and it was not your fault that he strayed and is gone...always think and remember its his lose and in time he will see that, my ex has, and OW is cheating on him...what goes around comes around..while my ex has a miserable life I am here enjoying my life STRESS FREE, NOT WALKING ON EGG SHELLS, NO DRAMA, NO LIES, NO CHEATING, NO POLICING ANYONE 24/7
I cried in court, its a loss Ka..you are human...no shame in that
***This is just torture. Once I feel ok again, I'll get an email about the lawyers or something and its like I've been punched in the gut*****
yes it is torture, and yes when you get an email, when you see him the pain will be there the loss will be there of the man you married, not the man he is now...remember that! oh and the lawyers every time I got a letter in the mail or a call I felt sick to my stomach a few times did get sick to my stomach...but Ka trust me when I say that you will one day look back and be glad that you got out...even thou its at his hand, you will one day be so happy living such a wonderful life while he lives in his fantasy world and in time his fantasy world will come to and end...you can not trust your husband and you know how that feels..right? well in time and that might take some time but how do you think your husband and his OW will be able to trust in the future...as I said OW is cheating on my ex...my friend's ex husband's OW he married and after 15 years married she left him for another man...what goes around will come around.
Hold your head up high..you are not a fool, I felt the same as you did, I tried for 3 years to save my marriage, ex played mind games with me, but I am now laughing the last laugh while he feels my pain
all the best to you Ka, I know its hard to think you will survive this as I thought the same back then, but I am here, you deserve a man who is going to love you, respect you, be faithful to you and you will find him if and when the time comes
keep posting go to chat you have so many wonderful people here to help you as I had always said HH is/was my second family..HH saved my mind, heart and soul and HH can save yours also
I wish I could just close my eyes and end this heartache. I want to move on with my life...
