I feel like I should know better by now. But apparently Ive forgotten many things. Over 5 years. I am supposed to be stronger, more secure. I often asked myself why that wasnt happening.
Ive been beating the heck out of myself. I think Ive been blaming myself for this 2nd Dday. Why? Because I could not forgive him. It felt like I was the only person here who could not forgive their spouse. So many people said it had to be done. But I could not do it. I could not trust him. I could not believe him.
He always made me feel like he was doing me a favor by being my H. It was like I should be honored to be his spouse and sit happily and patiently in the corner he dumped me in until he was ready to pull me out and make him look good again.
The look good part I should have at least been able to pull some self-esteem out of that. The thought that HE thought I could make him look good to others. But I couldnt. My God! What kind of a monster did I marry? And how in the heck could I be so in love with someone like that? I question my sanity continuously.
I was reading over on the healing board. I usually stay away from there. It hurts too much. But I found that I needed to be reading that stuff again. I have forgotten a lot of it and surprisingly, I have really slipped backward quite a bit.
I forgot that its not my fault. I know its not my fault but somehow I let him convince me that it was. He said I could never forgive him. He was right. So Ive been thinking that if I could have just let it go, we would be ok. But I know better. We would NOT have been ok. It is very easy to figure that out when he starts the youre so closed minded routine. It is strange how some things are so obvious to me and others go right over my head.
I am realizing that he beat me down.
I am seeing WHY I could not forgive him.
He was never TRULY remorseful. Something Ami said on the healing board made me see that. IC said it, too.
Ive read that so many times from so many people. H never was searching inside himself to find out why he did what he did. He always thought he should be able to have an open marriage that I was just closed-minded and he would just have to accept that if he was married to me, then he would just have to do without. And then it was like he was giving up this huge sacrifice and that I should be so grateful and appreciative. He never exactly said that but it was always strongly implied. And I always felt like he was sacrificing for me. That he was doing without.
I always wondered why I wasnt enough. No matter what I did, I wasnt enough. What was wrong with ME that I wasnt enough for him.
Now he is with someone else. I keep thinking that she must be wonderful. I was just a mom. I was not a career woman. I didnt want to be. Its not who I am. I just always wanted to be a wife and a mom. Thats what makes me happy. But thats not what he wanted. So why the heck did he marry me?
I keep thinking that this new woman, or maybe another who hell find, will be the woman of his dreams. And when he finds her, she will be completely opposite of me. She will be thin, she will be professional, she will have money and status. She will make him feel good about himself, important. He will WANT to make love to her all the time. He will want to be with her all the time.
Then I go back to the guilt of my not being able to be this dream woman. I beat myself up for not being her. But she is not me.
I need to learn to like myself. And I think I do. But maybe I think I shouldnt. I feel like Im not good enough.
I just want to be me. And I want it to be ok. And I want to be loved for me, for who I am. I want it to be ok and I feel like its not.
How did I let this man do this to me?
I havent totally lost it. Im just depressed. Trying to ride out the storm. Another storm.
I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. And the light is very bright. Its not that far away. I know I will get there. I just hate being inside this stupid tunnel.
I know all too well that time will heal. It has several times in my life and it will this time. I just dont like being in there.
This isnt my fault, is it? I was unhappy too. I asked many times to try and work on it. He just stayed on his computer and looked at other women. Thats all he ever wanted to do. Oh but he loved me. And he wished I would believe him. I was so lonely, my heart was breaking before he even left.
But I didnt look for someone else. I realized that when I was reading Amis post. It really isnt my fault.
Its not my fault that he has never been happy. He did the same things in his first marriage his so called open marriage that wasnt open at all. 20 years he lived like that. Always looking for greener pastures.
Why do I think he is going to find happiness? I feel like hes found it and what do I get? Just pain?
Its so unfair.
My kids say that he wont find happiness. But I think he already has.
Im just depressed. Going through the motions. I know it will pass but I wish it would hurry up.
Just needing to post my thoughts. It helps me figure things out.
Teri dear......let me tell you the truth about us professional women
I am by no means skinny; I'm rather obese
I work so hard during the day that the last thing I want to do at night is have sex.
I work so hard during the day that the last thing I want is to cook dinner or do laundry
I have a short fuse; mostly because I've spent all day dealing with BS
Sure I make my own money but I'm as in debt as anybody else
The fact that I make my own money lends itself to a very large shoe collection
There is NOTHING romantic or special about a career woman. These days they are balancing careers, children, ill parents, boyfriends or husbands......it is a balancing act that I think you will find puts alot of strain on a relationship.
I own my mistakes - one of them was ignoring my ex in favour of the career I was building and the education that I thought was necessary. I was studying to get my accounting designation and was one course away from completion when ex started his affair. I don't blame myself, because I know he could have come to me to discuss it, but I know I was ignoring him and so exhausted that we weren't having sex all that often and when we were I couldn't relax enough to enjoy it.
Teri there is nothing you did that would change anything. You are who you are. This is not your fault. Don't question yourself or anything that you have done. Your ex had some disconnect between what he wanted (open marriage, etc) and what he chose. The fact is it was HIS decision and he could have walked away.
You are an accountant? I am envious. That is what I'm hoping to do. I already have 2 1/2 years towards it but now I'm wondering if I can scrape up enough money. I will find a way.
You really made me think about the other side. Maybe that's the very reason he wants a career woman. Maybe it makes him feel less guilty when he's exploring new territory. His X actually told him to look for it elsewhere to give her a break.
I guess it doesn't matter who or what I am.
"Disconnect" between what he wanted and what he had. I think you have something there. He had a career woman, so let's try the opposite. I guess that didn't work either. I am seeing more and more that it is him.
Funny, I am now running a newspaper. All by myself. That should account for a career woman. But I will never see myself as such. It's not who I am. I am a mom. And I love being a mom, even if I'm not the best one. My oldest daughter told me a couple of days ago that I must have been a very good mom because all of my children love me and watch out for me.
I think I am a very fortunate mom. I have wonderful kids. They've been through some very, very hard times and they are still wonderful people.
Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with one of my reporters. She writes the political stuff. The stuff I don't like but she is very, very good at it. It's the stuff that H thrives on. I always thought that H was highly respected everywhere. Big important person. On her side of town, I barely know those people. And she told me that when people ask about H, she's been telling them that H no longer has anything to do with the paper. She said they tell her that must be why the paper has improved so much. Then they say that I am so much better off without him.
That blew my mind. It really made me feel good but it also makes me wonder what they see in him and why I can't see it.
You cannot forgive a WS who is not remorseful...you didnt believe him because he was not trustworthy. Trust & forgiveness need to be earned. This is not your fault! Maybe one day you will forgive him but it will be for you and not for him...it will be because you have let go and because you will come to realise you truly deserve better!
So much of your post hit home with me...I have felt all of those things! My WH's OW's are the opposites...they are women who need rescuing...I dont! I can take care of myself. These are not career women. It is about him and his need to be the knight in shining armor...how it makes him feel good about himself. All A's are about the WS looking to feel good about themselves. You could have been what you perceive as perfect, everything he wanted and needed, but he still would have cheated. It is not about you...it is about HIM.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
EDITED TO ADD: I have not forgiven my WS either. You are not alone...
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on May 17, 2009 9:47 PM
I'll bet you forgave him, because his actions of remorse don't really control your decision to forgive.
However, if he wasn't remorseful, then reconcilation would be impossible. You wouldn't be able to trust him to be faithful, you wouldn't be able trust him with your security, you wouldn't be able to trust him with your heart. You wouldn't be able to restore your marriage without being able to trust him.
As an analogy, if you were an employer and an employee was caught stealing from you, an act of forgiveness would be to allow them to continue working if they showed true remorse for their actions. However, another act of forgiveness would be to fire them, but not prosecute them for the theft. In the first there is room for reconcilation as well as forgiveness, in the second, it is only forgiveness.
I would compare your situation to the first, and in your experience remorse was never demonstrated well enough to restore the relationship (i.e. return the trust that was once part of the relationship)
That is a good way to put it Tom. There is a book "How Can I Forgive You" where she talks about different types of forgiveness. Tom mentioned two of them. Forgiveness works differently for each and everyone us, but as Tom said you may one day forgive him whether he is remorseful or not, but reconiclliation is impossible without remorse. I have to agree with that...it has been my experience thus far. Still not ready to forgive though...maybe one day I will get there but I suspect without a remorseful WS it will take a long time for me.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Forgiveness is not a gift you give your ex, when you are divorced it becomes a gift you give yourself.
The truth of the matter is, a divorced spouse doesn't care whether you forgive him or not. They are out of the situation and it doesn't matter anymore to them.
Tom, I think you are right. I think I have forgiven him. I didn't even know it until you said it.
But, I think it ties in with what Cal said.
<<This is not your fault! Maybe one day you will forgive him but it will be for you and not for him...it will be because you have let go and because you will come to realize you truly deserve better!>>>
It will be because I have let go. I let go. It is really over. I let go. And forgiveness came. It just happened and I didn't even notice it.
And you know, what Kid said is so right.
<<Forgiveness is not a gift you give your ex, when you are divorced it becomes a gift you give yourself.>>>
I let go. I can now forgive him because it doesn't matter anymore. He is gone. He is someone else's problem.
I'm free! I am so free! This feels so good. Do you guys know how long I have been fighting this forgiveness thing? It feels like a lifetime. I couldn't forgive because he wasn't remorseful and when I broke free, it just happened automatically.
Maybe it will happen for you Cal, when the divorce is actually done. Or when the last child turns 18. When he quits making your life a living hell.
Now that I think of it, that's when I was able to let go of my XH. He was horrible. Same kind of games your X is playing. As soon as the last one turned 18, there was nothing he could fight me on. It all stopped. And then I was able to let go.
