I have found that giving yourself permission to move on and be happy is very important when going it alone after infidelity. Why does everyone expect you to "hang in there", when nothing changes? Why does everyone think you should sacrafice yourself for someone who could care less about you because you are married to them? I find myself becoming a bit angry these days at people in my life who expect me to continue to "put up with" and/or "accept" my WS's behavior. How is that healthy?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cal,

Anyone who says those words to you is just showing his/her ignorance. A person who has personal experience of the pain of infidelity would NEVER say those thoughtless words to you.

Consider the source and ignore them!

Huge encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

I have found that out also.  I discovered that giving myself permission to be happy, among other things, has been a huge step in rebuilding my self esteem and sense of self worth.  I keep telling myself that I DESERVE to be happy, I DESERVE to be comfortable,  I DESERVE to be loved.  I DESERVE to put myself first above others when I want to or need to.  I still cannot bring myself to do some things to the detriment of others,, but I have been able to put the self inflicted guilt aside and look after my own best interests instead of putting others needs first to the detriment of myself.    The hardest part for me was to follow my own path and not what everybody else thought I should do.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~

Everyone doesn't expect you to hang in there or put up with the crap. The only people that would are people who have never walked a day in your shoes and have no idea the pain that man has put you through.

Hold your head high Carol because you DO DESERVE alot better. We all do.

We deserve somebody who will respect us.
We deserve somebody who will love us and only us.
We deserve honesty.
We deserve somebody who will not play games or try to manipulate us.

There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in and in saying I've had enough.

I would presume the problem with these people is that they are having a hard time dealing with the change in our Cal who used to do everything to please everybody else and who has now found her own voice. If they have a problem with the positive changes you have made in your life, it is THEIR problem, not yours.

How could they even think differently when your ex is currently engaged in a life with somebody else. Some people deserve a swift kick in the rear

Thanks Ladies for the kind words and encouragement

Chris said: "The hardest part for me was to follow my own path and not what everybody else thought I should do"

EXACTLY! My MIL (who has actually been where I am) said to me "If I were you I would be fighting for my man and not letting the whore win. That's what I did and I have my husband". I did all I could, and then some! What does she think Im supposed to do? I am finally walking my own my own path and it sounds to me like she is blaming me somehow for her sons choices. I simply told her that he made the choice to be with the OW and there is nothing I can do about it. I just want to get on with my life...whatever that may be...wherever it leads me...it has to be better than where Ive been


FF said: "Consider the source and ignore them!"

You're right, I do have to consider the source. She is HIS mother! She wants her family back together...sunday dinners and all and she sees me moving on and realizes that's just not happening.


Kim wrote: "I would presume the problem with these people is that they are having a hard time dealing with the change in our Cal who used to do everything to please everybody else and who has now found her own voice. If they have a problem with the positive changes you have made in your life, it is THEIR problem, not yours."

Thank you Kim. I have changed and I do think my MIL has a hard time with this too. I am not bendng over backwards to please her or do what she asks of me like I did before. Of course I am pleasant and we get along great, but we do not see eye to eye on the subject and I am not taking her advice....and she does not like that. I have grown much stronger, especially over the last few months. I have accpeted it is over, it is what it is, and it is time to move on...time to actually go out and seek the things in life I deserve...as you've said, that we all deserve...and we all deserve better!!!


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cal

There may be some other issues at play in this kind of situation especially for your MIL. She may wonder or have wondered if at times she did the right thing for herself in staying with her husband. She may have stayed because she was "fighting for him" but she might have stayed because of her kids, family pressure, social embarassment etc. You did what she might have wondered about and she may not see that in herself or even be able to acknowledge it.

She has also lost her son's family in the way it used to be before any of this. My guess is that she cared about you and liked you - things have changed now and she doesn't know how to adjust with it and is sad for something she lost, the family as it used to be.

Given her past relationship with you she may also feel very sad about the pain her son has caused you and guilty about it (aren't mothers responsible for everything?!) - if you stayed and were able to fixed him etc (something no one else can do but we often believe we can), maybe your hurt would be gone and she would have her family back the way it used to be, and she would know she did the right thing herself all those years ago.

My guess is your MIL may be struggling with a lot and is having a tough time (like you at times) living this new life.

It may help just to acknowledge to her that you know it would have been easier for her if you had stayed and that it is hard for everyone for things to be different, but you know that you worked hard to give the marriage a chance and know now that separating/divorcing was the only choice left for you.

MM

And what did your mother in law get........is her life really that wonderful? Her son is a pot addict and would rather be with a "whore" (her words) than anything else.

Hmmm......coincidence? I think not!!

Perhaps deep down she is envious of the way you have turned this around. It is about you, and she has never had that.

Be courteous, be respectful, but be you


Kid