Well, HH family, I haven't been around lately, though you are all always in my thoughts. However, I find myself needing ideas of how to rid myself of frustration with my ex-husband.
First off, I just got my kids back from him yesterday and they were upset about being with their dad. They said that their summer had been ruined by being over there. (Their words, not mine). Apparently, their step-mom is staying at home and babysitting since her son (who attends the same school as my kids) was out of school. However, the kids she babysits are less than stellar and have caused issues for mine.
I talked to ex last night about needing to sit down and talk to the kids (him, me and the kids) about how they're feeling and his response???? "I think someone else needs to talk to them". WTH??????? He can't even TALK to his own children and find out why they're upset???? They are perceiving their step-mom as being unfair to them because she has five children (a 3 month old baby, a 5 yr old, a child with severe autism, another child and a 10 year old, baby's sister). PLUS she has my three (one who has autism) and HER son (who they NOW claim has autism...tell me, how can you go 13 yrs WITHOUT knowing that there was something wrong with your kid???? Tells you how STUPID she is, her son has a problem, something that a freakin' belt would take care of real fast).
Anyway, in addition to having my children tell me this, their father chose to not get the two boys' hair cut, as they REALLY needed, and my daughter had holes all the way through the soles of her shoes until it touched the fabric inside in BOTH of her shoes. My d@mn ex is so cheap that he refuses to do SQUAT for the kids. He thinks HIS responsibility is done by paying child-support but YET he was all too willing to have me give up my parental rights back in December so that I could "get an education and a job". To he!! with that!!! My kids wouldn't get the stuff they needed if they did live with him full-time, not only that but he couldn't handle it, as he admitted to me last night that he was frustrated with our two youngest ones over the past two weeks. I'm sorry, but what an A$$!
So, fortunately, I received a check that I didn't expect to get until the end of the month and allowed me to get the kids' shoes and the boys' hair cut. I'm just frustrated at his lack of sensitivity to my children and the feelings that are causing them to act out. He told me that our daughter was backtalking to him (she's 9) but yet I don't have that problem. He has f***ed their lives up by marrying this woman and her son and he doesn't see the destruction that he has brought upon their lives. Yes, kids are resilient and can adapt but subconsciously they are still messed up. He has been insensitive to their feelings by practically remarrying before the ink dried on the divorce papers. Plus he had thrown their lives into turmoil by having his slut live with him WHILE we are undergoing the divorce. I have to be discreet but yet it was ok for HIM to bring the slut around????
I KNOW I'm doing the right thing by not traumatizing my children, allowing them to adjust to our new life but I can't help but think that their d@mn father doesn't give a sh!t about how his actions affect my kids and THEN wonders why they act the way they do!!
So, dear HH family, now that you have read my frustrated-laden post, what should I do? Let it roll off my back? Direct the frustration elsewhere? I TRY to get stupid to cooperate but that is a lesson in futility. He's just too stupid to cooperate. He thinks of noone BUT himself, which is very sad when you have children. My oldest doesn't have a relationship with him at all. I don't even know the last time my oldest son talked/saw his dad. Pitiful, I know.
Anyway, any ways to lower my BP would be greatly appreciated.
know this is supposed to be a support site but I can't support you her Desperate.
I will agree with you on him being more involved and friendly with his kids. No father should have a bad relationship with young kids. They are not old enough to know. If he is alienated from the older child it is his doing. Be careful you are not driving a wedge between you children and your ex.
Now for my disagreement. I could be in his situation soon. My wife will be dependent on my support if we split. We have a special needs child as well but we do not have a diagnosis. I believe it was you who was the WS, as was my wife.
Why is it his responsibility to cloth the children. I know it is hard for you but you brought this situation about. You sought custody and child support which obligates you to provide for the children's basic needs. If I were him I would complain about the custodial parent sending the kids over pretty much with a to do list. He has limited time with them. It sounds like you are trying to blame him for your problems here. Take responsibility. I don't know who initiated divorce after your affair but either way you have to stop blaming him for your troubles. You have to take responsibility for your life. It is not his obligation or his fault.
As for him getting married right away, maybe it was a reaction to his own issues. He had to be very insecure after the affair. His desire to feel wanted may have led him to make some decisions he would not have made without the depression. He deserves a chance at happiness as well. Let him try.
Now what? Your a single mom with a special needs child. It's a tough situation. You have to make the best of it every day. Will every day be good? Certainly not. It's the same as getting over the affair for us, except you have to get over the marriage. Try to make one good day at a time. You have to make good days for yourself, it is not his obligation. Hopefully soon you can string a couple of good days together.
In the meantime don't blame him. I don't know what lead to the affair and it doesn't matter. Forgive him. As with those who stay you now have a new relationship with him. To me it sounds like you have to forgive and move on more than him. It's over. Your divorced. I'd say you can't re-marry him but I've seen it twice now so it happens.
I do wish you well through all this. Your pain does not help us. There is too much pain at this site already. Have you consider the be nicer approach to him. He knows he has an obligation to them and he takes them and tries. If he knew they were coming with needs and he already had an apology form you in advance he may not have been so stubborn. Are you two still fighting through the kids? You know better than to put kids in the middle but could both of you have forgotten or put blinders on to that.
I think there is more to this than meets the eye. Of course after divorce with children involved the parents must form an effective partnership to raise the children in these difficult circumstances. Remarriage further complicates this situation when the children now become embedded in a blended family essentially introducing the effect of outside parenting (for example, DH's ex-husband's wife has her own ex-husband, and he has an influence on DH's children through their step-siblings). The whole thing can be come very difficult as the kids struggle to learn appropriate boundaries in circumstances where the standards of the various family pieces are not consistent. Ultimately whether DH's affair caused the divorce, or whether it was due to another cause becomes immaterial in determining how to provide the best environment possible for her children. The history doesn't take away the need for a good home environment, nor does it take away the child's right to have support from both parents.
DH,
I don't know how child support arrangements work. Is there an expectation that both parents will contribute financially to the care expenses, or is the custodial parent given an exception? Also, I think Bill makes a good point that if the kids are receiving (through you) an allowance for their clothing, then should your husband be expected to purchase those items? Wouldn't he be paying for them twice?
I agree that this is a very difficult family to integrate, and it's not surprising that their step-mom is perceived as being partial. I think there would be that struggle even without the large number of children to care for, but with eight kids to care for including those who have special needs combined with an adult who is probably not experienced in managing this type of situation, it has to be near impossible.
Also, it appears to me that there is anger between the adults (you, and your husband) and I'd guess that this extends to his wife in some ways. I think the kids probably pick up on this, and it might create even more problems when trying to blend these two families.
You are right, kids might be resilient, but their resiliency should not be an excuse for putting them through things they should not have to experience.
There is SO much more to this story than you know. For instance, DH lost her house because her X stopped making the payments on it that he was SUPPOSED to have been making.
He hasn't been there for THEIR children when THEIR children needed him. Yes, DH had an A. She is quite remorseful about that; however, the MARRIAGE had problems that pre and post-dated the A. Further, her X crossed some boundaries he shouldn't have crossed.
Absolutely I agree with you that sometimes divorced dads get the shaft, but in this instance, it is DH's kids who are getting shafted most of all by their father's poor choices.
DH has worked and continues to work to be the best mom she can be to her precious kids.
Lowering BP is easy .. don't let your XH get to you..but you love your kids so it boils..
Your children know who is there for them .. talking to you about their hurt is so good for them, unfortunately we as mothers want to make all OK.. so raised BP..
I agree a pair of shoes and 2 haircuts is not going break him, don't expect him to step up to the roll of father then you won't be disappointed.. You have the day-in day out care of your kids and I know in most cases that child support doesn't begin cover the monthly expenses that children rack up.
I know that you just needed to vent and that is healthy so vent away..
((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I know DH is doing the best she can under the circumstances. I have seen other post where she is trying to take classes to better herself. DH, I wish you well in these regards. It would be best for the kids if both of you do well post divorce.
This post has taught me that if leave or stay I will still have a relationship with my wife. DH, you can't keep tearing this man down. This may be from my past experiences but could your husband have been in a no win situation. If he had gotten haircuts and shoes would I have been reading about him taking liberties that he shouldn't and now the kids have bad haircuts and hideous shoes? He pays child support and keeps a relationship with his kids. Did he give you the Sept check early or was it the Aug check late. He may have realized the kids needed some money spent and given you the means to take care of it. Divorce does not solve the communication problems that were present before divorce.
Let's look at the problem from a man's point. If he is going to get in trouble if he takes care of the kid's needs or not, why do anything. Did you say you were sorry for dropping the kids off with attention needed, and could he please get them haircuts. You formed expectations of him and didn't communicate them to him. Now you are upset that your expectations weren't met. I have trouble with this myself and have to make a conscious effort to be careful of my expectations. Could he have felt giving you the resources to attend to these needs was his best response. If he did give you the Sept check early he may have seen the need. If so was a Thank You offered? Please, I'm sorry and Thank You are probably words that never get spoken between divorced couples. Having seen some divorced couples fight over everything I can see why some people give up. Divorce was supposed to stop the fighting but with kids you still have to communicate with each other.
He is not going to continue to let you be a stay at home mom on his support. Of course his new wife would put an end to that. You are going to have differences of opinion on many issues. He will get input from his present wife. Expect this. I either did not see or did not notice the post about him being to blame for you losing the house. I knew you lost the house. Were you supposed to have your own income by that time to help keep the house? I'm wondering if all the blame goes on him or is there some to share?
I do think only seeing one side of this relationship can be misleading. I hope you are not such a terrible picker when it comes to husbands. You married him and stayed for years. Was he really that bad?? I hope not because you may be making this choice again.
I may not agree on some stuff but please accept my wishes that you find happiness
