I know I have not been around much lately, sorry ...been working on me, started a new job, and the kids started school today.
Soon to be ex FINALLY picked up the divorce papers! Came over to the house and told me he was "sad" to get them. Asked me why I didn't talk to him first. Can you imagine my thoughts? Did he "talk" to me before he cheated on me? Did he "talk" to me before he decided it was ok to have sex with other people while telling me how much he loved me? I think not! Did he "talk to me before he got high every day? Did he "talk to me about anything? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! And why should he be sad? He and his OW should be dancing in the streets!!!!!! And then he says he hopes I am fair in the agreement. Why should I be "fair"...was he fair to me in the marriage? NO!!!!!!!! UGH!!! Where does he get off... if I didn't already know the answer I'd ask him what he's been smoking, lol.
Honestly... I feel NOTHING for him! Absolutely nothing! I am angry on the inside at his bull...and I vented here...but I feel rather dead. If that's even a feeling.......is that normal? I know I have felt this way before after the shock of D-day 1 and day-2 (both with ow #1). I guess I am in self-protect mode like I was then. That's the only thing I can think of...
This too shall pass........ but when? Why does everything take so much darn time?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
The only reason why I could think of him being "sad" is that reality has struck him in the face. Believe it or not, my ex cried after the judge pronounced us divorced and we walked out of the courtroom. He excused himself to the bathroom and walked out with red eyes. You would have thought he was "happy" as HE was secretly planning on divorcing me in 2007 but after his crap, I took the initiative (of course, if HE had filed when he wanted to, he would have had to start paying childsupport and he was "happy" to give me barely enough to live on). So, I think, despite his affairs and continual lying, he is realizing that YOU are not going to be in his life anymore.
Sadly, Cal, the crap won't end, the BS won't end. As long as you have children with him and have to interact because of them, you will HAVE to deal with the crap. My advice is keep your interactions to a minimal. Email when it isn't extremely important (such as needing an answer PDQ) and keep your phone calls short and to the point, don't get involved in arguments with ex and if ex wants to bring up sh!t, then politely hang up. As my family has told me, my ex will forever be at everything involving my children and I have to find a way to deal and interact without the hostility and animosity. It WILL be difficult, it will take YOU being the bigger person, it will take all within you from wanting to strangle the daylights out of him and most of all, it will take all you have to be civil and respectful to him when you know he doesn't deserve it. Trust me, I struggle with this EVERY day that I have to talk to my ex. They infuriate you, they drive you crazy, they want you to lose your control AND do so in front of your children so that he can show them that HE isn't the bad guy.
WHEN this happens, come here to Singles and vent away. There are many members here who know what you're going through and can understand your frame of mind. The only other piece of advice I can give you is to "tune" out the bad advice. People who have not gone through what you have: being cheated on and divorced will try to mean well, but they have NO clue what you're feeling/going through. I'm sure that you have had friends who say, "I know what you're going through", to that I say bullsh!t. My boyfriend and I both have children with special needs, BUT I don't know how he feels (as his son has SEVERE cerebral palsy, and my son has Autism). They are two different forms of retardation and require different approaches to raising them and the stress that comes with that. My son can possibly achieve his goal of being a meteorologist whereas my BF's son will NEVER walk, talk, feed himself, change himself, or be able to achieve his dreams. For me to SAY that I know how my boyfriend feels is a lie. I know the pain he feels for the loss of his son's life, as I felt that when I first found out about my son's diagnosis. However, I have hope that my son will become something, that is something that my boyfriend doesn't have.
I cannot know what you feel right now concerning your husband and his mistress. I DO know what it feels like to go through a divorce and the aftermath of dealing with an ex when children are related. I cannot know the pain that his affairs have wrought on your life but I CAN share your sorrow for the demise of your marriage (and trust me, there will be days that cause you sorrow for the divorce. I was divorced less than a month before my anniversary and I fell apart). The second year (last year) I did much better on what would have been my anniversary. There will be days where you are going to think you can't carry on and what did you do? and there will be days where you feel like you can conquer the world. On your bad days, come and vent away. On your good days, come and tell us. There is nothing better than to vent to friends who care about you and will support you through this all.
I clearly remember the day my XH got served. He was out working in the yard and I watched the look on his face, the astonishment, disbelief, and utter sadness from a distance as he was served. For a brief moment I actually thought that this may be what finally pulls him out of the fog. He came into the house and hugged my daughter then went to "his" room at the time (the guest bedroom). A few hours later his ego and anger were firmly back in place. A brief glimpse of reality then back into the fog. I have come to a point now where he does not even anger me, I do get annoyed, but mainly because his antics are something that I have to deal with when all I want to do is get on with my life and his antics keep pulling me backwards. I just deal with it and keep moving forward.
Be prepared dearest Cal for some backlash as he may very well become angry with you for having the nerve to divorce him and the whole divorce process will get ugly at some point. You are strong, you are ready, and you can and will get through this with your dignity and self esteem intact. Think of it as running an obstacle course and no matter how big the obstacle you will get over it, and ultimately you will win the race and at the end is the best prize ever, your whole new life.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. ~Elie Wiesel
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~
Thank you DH and Chris for your kind, caring words...I appreciate it so much! I know you have both been where I am. I know that I will never truly ever be rid of him because we have children, and there is still the business. That does make me angry...that no matter what he will always be lurking in the shadows, so to speak..UGH!!!! There is no REAL moving on I feel, only moving forward one day at a time.
There will be a backlash at some point, Im sure of it! I also know my in-laws will be very upset when they find out he has been served. I feel very sorry for them. They see their family falling apart and feel helpless to stop it! The reason I feel sorry for them is because I have been where they are...watched my family fall apart and felt helpless. It is so painful and it takes a long time to come to accept it when you wanted something so badly...not just for yourself but for all involved, especially the children.
I don't think my exh is ever going to wake up...don't think he is capable, well, maybe for 2 minutes like Chris' ex...but then it's back to ME, ME, ME. I think he is just too damaged...due to the drugs (other various addictions) and personality disorders. Who knows which came first, lol. Doesn't really matter...it's all the same in the end. I realise I have completely let go, which is why I feel nothing for him...indifference perhaps. Anyway, I think right now I need to feel as little as possible to get through this...I need ALL my strength (and wisdom) that I have gained over the last year. And I need the support of my friends here on HH...thanks for being there, as always
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
No matter how ready you are Cal, those papers are a huge slap in the face. Just reading in writing the dissolution of a marriage is one of the hardest things my ex ever did (or so he told me). That doesn't mean he doesn't want it or that he is waking up, just that it is a sad thing when a marriage is over after spending so long together. You appear to be in the anger stage of grief, but I think you've been through sad too, so you can relate more than you think to what he is feeling.
To him, there is likely a sense of not being man enough to do what you wanted, etc.......that may make him sad that he isn't the man you wanted him to be.
Just be strong for you and keep moving forward. Try to forget how he feels, cause it isn't your problem anymore. What Cal feels means everything.....be selfish in this case
Hugs
Kid
p.s. not sure if i should offer congrats in this case but you've come so damn far girlfriend
There will be a backlash at some point, Im sure of it! I also know my in-laws will be very upset when they find out he has been served. I feel very sorry for them. They see their family falling apart and feel helpless to stop it! The reason I feel sorry for them is because I have been where they are...watched my family fall apart and felt helpless. It is so painful and it takes a long time to come to accept it when you wanted something so badly...not just for yourself but for all involved, especially the children.
This paragraph really stuck with me. Yeah, it WILL be hard on your in-laws, though my in-laws turned their backs on me after they found out about me divorcing their "precious" son (my ex-MIL once told me, before I was married, that no matter WHAT her son does, he is ALWAYS perfect in her eyes and she will ALWAYS take his side, needless to say, this set up the tone of my relationship with her during my marriage). So, just beware that your in-laws may turn on you. It is hard and painful to see your family fall apart, but they have to remember, THEIR son CHOSE this path of destruction. YOU never twisted his arm in to betraying you, doing drugs, etc. HE chose that. His parents didn't choose that for him either. HE is a grown adult (though I will not go so far as to call him a "man") HE chose how his life was going to be, no one "made" him, not even the OW. So, yes, you can sympathize with your in-laws but remember that YOU are affected most by it, along with your children. Your in-laws don't/didn't have to live with the knowledge of his affairs and illegal behavior. Sure, it hurts to know your child whom you raised (maybe right, maybe not) grew up to be this despicable person, but there is nothing they could do to stop him. OBVIOUSLY, he has some underlying issues that need to be addressed, but it doesn't seem like he will be confronting those any time soon. Despite my ex-husband coming from a home intact (whereas I am a child of divorce), he is more messed up than I am. His family is all screwed up, every one of them but he doesn't want to address those issues.
You should be proud of how far you've come and be proud that you TRIED your best to keep the marriage alive. It only works if both parties want it that way, and your ex doesn't. You can hold yourself up in front of your children and know that YOU did the right thing when it counted most. I hope that you can find support groups for you and your children to attend that will help you through this time. My church has a Divorce Care group that meets on Wednesday nights and I just learned tonight that they are starting a Kid Divorce Care group for the kids, either of divorced parents or whose parents are going through. I think that this is a marvelous idea for the church to have and it allows my children to know that they aren't alone, that their friends are going through the same issues (anger, hurt, pain, confusion, etc). I hope that you can find something like this through a church or another organization.
I understand that getting the papers is a slap in the face...nothing compared to what he's put me through over the last 7 years. I had already mourned the loss of the marriage, now I guess its his turn, finally!!! Im over it! Anyway, I get that he may feel sad, but this is what he wanted, as much as he says that's not true...he just didn't have the balls to file himself, so it was up to me. Better off that way...it gives me more power over my future. I am no longer waiting for him in ANY aspect of the word. I have taken back control of my life. Atleast that's how I feel right at this moment, lol.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Sep 3, 2009 12:32 AM
You go, girl! Yes, it is sad when a marriage dissolves, as it is ALL too common in society and almost the "in" thing to do barf. But, as much as it is a sad situation, it IS the time for you to find yourself, to move forward with your future and to make a mark on life. Being a stronger, newer you is the best thing you can do. So, onward and upward. Some good theme songs for this time of your life are: "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor, "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" by Shania Twain, "You Gotta Be" by Des'ree. These are definitely WOMAN empowered songs. :0)
I listened so much to Gloria Gaynor back then I am sick of listening to that song haha. I'm actually back to listening to love songs and I didn't think I would ever get there. They used to make me want to puke.
Told my mother-in-law today...she was very sad about it...said she has been praying we would work it out. She said she was numb...and that no one had said anything to her yet.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Well, Cal, not getting an attorney yet certainly fits into his PA MO, doesn't it? I'm sure you are not a bit surprised. How does his not getting an attorney affect your getting divorced?
If he doesn't get an attorney, then the divorce will proceed without him receiving the benefit of representation, right? I think there is a maximum amount of time that you will have to wait before the judge will declare the divorce final. What has your attorney told you about this?
My attorney told me he would contact me when ex-h's attorney contacts him....looks like I need to call my attorney and findout what happens next. But yes, this fits his PA MO...and no real surprise, lol. It is hoewever FRUSTRATING!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Nov 16, 2009 5:51 PM
You are paying attorney to do what you need/want him to do. Don't stand by the wayside, get aggressive as you need to be. Encourage your attorney to start the proceedings with or without his representation. If he can't get off his lazy drug induced ass to get a lawyer then that is HIS fault.
As for you looking hot, I'd leave it alone. I wouldn't thank him, wouldn't acknowledge him. He is trying to bait you.
