It's been a long time since I have written. I'm divorced now almost 3 years. I have been doing well for the most part. I have a man I love, who for work reasons won't be able to join me until Dec.
My problem is the anger and hurt I still have when I see my ex doing so well... He's on his second girlfriend, planning to move in with her in September. He's been traveling the world with her ever since they got together... 3 -4 trips a year.
It seem so petty of me to be jealous of his good fortune. I don't want him back. I don't want him to be estranged from his children because of the divorce and he isn't... in fact he has improved his relationship with my youngest daughter. But none of them have ever told me they were ever angry at him for what he did... that bothers me.
I have invited him to my house to celebrate with the whole family during holidays. I've tried to be "adult" about everything... but deep down I still hurt and deep down I'm still angry. When does one get over these feelings?
Not sure you ever get over the anger.. learning to let it go is hard.. time heals. but so slowly. all things we say and try to work on .. the dream bubble burst.. and the divorce is the aftermath.. it hurts..
I have friends ..divorced.. for one it has been 15 yrs for her.. she still is angry at her XH.. he shattered her dreams.. she sees him sometimes at family events I think she is more angry at the OW now wife.. another herWXH is her good friend, she remarried.. but she still loves? XH..has feeling .. that she has never resolved.. she loves her 2nd H, he is a wonderful man.. another friend still is angry at her XH who cheated..she is still verbal about her anger and it has been 13 + years.
Diane you are the adult.. he is like the child.. your children are taking your lead.. you let go of your anger outwardly, and so have they, there is no change in their life they see their father at your house.. they see him at other times with his GF.. you have helped your children accept him.. his bad behavior is apparent but tolerated because you accept him .. he is in their life because you have kept him there... hope that makes sense..you are doing what is right and still unfortunately hurting..
I am willing to bet that once the man you love is with you full time those feeling will sink more into the background.
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I appreciate what you've said and know in my mind I should just let all my anger go and concentrate on my own life and future...
I do manage to do that when I'm not reminded of the past... which is usually the situation during most days. However, since we are in contact because of the children and family events, it is harder during those times.
I'm sure you are right that at soon as my friend comes here, I'll be in a better frame of mind to deal with contact with the XH.
It just seems to be so gauling that divorce seems to be the "gift that keeps on giving"... That statement is meant in both a good way and a bad way. The good way in that you are given your freedom to rebuild your life, hopefully for the better. In a bad way, it is a constant reminder of the years of pain and failure you went through when you see the XH.
Oh well, who said life could ever be perfect?
I was just at my IC's last week with the same problem! Every time exWh comes to pick up the kids I am reminded of the pain of the past and reminded of how he has moved on without me, without blinking an eye. It hurts! I still have no one in my life. I am lonely. I do not always see hope for a better life, and he is a reminder of how my dreams and security have been shattered. I think it hurts cause now he does things with the kids without me (they are finally starting to go with him).But we were supposed to be a family. We were supposed to be doing these things together and why didnt he want to do these things when we were together? You know the answer as well as I do...it is because they are both narcissists. And deep down I still hold out some sort of hope that he will change...that he will wake up and see the light, even if it is the tiniest sliver of hope...I have not completely let go. Part of that is holding onto the pain. If I hold on to the pain I hold on to him in some way. I am still angry too and it has been almost 3 years. I have let go of a lot of it, but it still lingers there...holding me back. Part of my inability to let go is the fact that we have children and we will have to see each other from time to time. Every time I see him it brings me right back to where I have fought so hard to escape from. I think if I had someone waiting for me I would not feel this way so much. But for me that is the catch...how can I find someone else and be happy if I have not fully let go of my past? But how can I let go of my past if it is always going to be thrown in my face? That is why they say it would have been easier had they died cause you are forced to move on after you grieve....with divorce that is not so easy if you have kids. Now I know why so many women move away afterwards. You have to start a new life somehow.
Another thought is that I know I still love him. That also angers me. why do I still love him after all he's done? Even I can't answer that one, lol. My IC says to stop trying so hard to stop loving him and just accept that you always will. I don't know how to do that without feeling that same jealously that you're talking about. The fact that he does things with this OW that he did not do with me stings. Why her and not me? Wish I had some advice but I don't cause I feel like Im in the same boat at the moment!
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
EDITED TO ADD:
I do not always feel this way. It creeps up on me every once in awhile. I also do not want him back as is either. This happens when I see that he is capable of some sort of change no matter how small or why. But what brings me back to reality most of the time is the fact that even that small change is all about HIM. And while his relationship with OW may appear blissful and he acts happy when I see him, no one knows what really happens in their relationship. Me and my ex are a shining example there...everyone thought we were the perfect couple...our separation was a real shock to everyone who knew us.
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Jul 19, 2010 7:14 AM
I sympathize with you and understand.
You are right that knowing about our XHs's life because of our inevitable contact through our children is problematic. On the one hand I want my kids to have family memories including both of us. On the other hand, it is too much sometimes.
I hope very much that with my new love moving in in December, that I will be able to feel less angry/jealous of my xh's life.
I want so much to concentrate on what I need and my new love's needs for a change.
I don't have much more to add... living my days from one to the next..
I am keeping very busy and that helps a lot.
Stay strong Cal, you will find someone worthy of you someday... so try to look forward more times than you look back. We will get through the NOW by caring for ourselves.
I read your posts, and I feel for you. I'm wondering why you feel you have to include your XH in YOUR celebrations. Why? By including him, especially when you know doing so will only cause you more grief, are you acting as a facilitator for him, such that he doesn't have to take responsibility for getting together with his children? If being with them is on his priority list, HE will make the effort to do so. If your children want to be with him, THEY will make the effort. Your responsibility to either him or them vis-a-vis their spending time together ended with your divorce. Certainly, you might have events where you see each other, such as at one of your kids' homes or an event like a wedding, but you do NOT have to invite your X to YOUR home.
IMO, he threw away that right when he cheated and your divorced.
Thanks for your comments.
I think the reason I include him in my events is because of the kids... if I am having a dinner for one of my children's birthday, I know they want their father there too. I suppose it is also because his parents were divorced and they (father and stepmother) invited his mother to celebrations relating to him.
It is all so "civilized" I suppose. I even invite him to holiday celebrations if it is "my turn" to host it. Every other year my children go to their inlaws for those celebrations.So the year after that I get them all together at my house. Then my children want to include their father. So far he hasn't hosted a celebration himself and hasn't invited me. It is a lot of work to cook and have a party for up to 15 people, let alone the expense. I love my kids and want them to have good memories and not awkward ones I guess. But like you say... it is annoying some time, he seems to continue to be a cakeman... has an independent life and girlfriend AND takes part in family celebrations.
I think another reason it is like this is that I'm alone in this country except for my children.. my siblings are in the USA and my parents are deceased. His sisters and his stepmom treat me like their sister/daughter. So it is almost inevitable the way it has turned out. I still think he could take some of the responsibility on himself and ocassionally host these celebrations and invite me so I don't have to shoulder it all. He did take his kids with him on a trip... no cooking or effort there, just money being paid.
I must sound like a gripe. But that is the way I am about it, can't help it.
I invite my ex to NOTHING! By inviting my ex, I feel I would be trapping myself in my old behaviors of enabling him. Throughout the marriage the only time the ex saw the kids was when I brought them to our business, or they waited up late on the weekends for him to come home. My IC the exact same thing that FF said, it his responsibility to get together with the kids...if he wants to see them, or they want to see him on special occasions then they need to make arrangements. I felt bad about not inviting him for the kids sake, but I would not be doing either of them any favors by doing so. Their relationship is up to them...
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I am swinging a very gentle 2x4 here. You wrote "But that is the way I am about it, can't help it." Isn't this the very attitude that we BS get furious with WS when they express this thought? Admittedly, you spent YEARS overbenefitting your XH. Isn't it time for you to stop? Let go and stop trying to control the situation. If your kids and your X want to see each other, it is THEIR responsibility to make the effort, NOT YOURS!!!
Thanks for the gentle bop upside my head, FF. It's making me think.
I guess I don't really have to automatically include him in every family get together I have. Perhaps limiting it to birthdays for the kids if it is important for the kids that he be invited.
Holidays, that is another thing. I don't really have to go out of my way to invite him. He very often makes his own plans to be out of the country during those times anyway. He also has his girlfriend and her family to consider.
I will leave it and see what happens.
Going lower key with contact really may be best for me. Time will tell.
If the kids want him at birthday parties then maybe let the kids call and invite him. I think the less contact you have the better for your health!! Otherwise, just don't include him. It isn't mandatory, there isn't an obligation once seperated. If he wants to see his kids he will make an extra effort.
There is also nothing stopping him from hosting a birthday party for his kids with his relatives, friends etc.
It has been almost 3 years for me as well with the divorce. In regards to your situation, what I have done is this: On the holidays that I'm supposed to have the kids, I have them. Then he does what he wants with them for the holiday. For their birthdays, I have invited him to join us but most of the time he rejects the offer. I think in order for your children and you to heal, you need to separate yourself from him until you are in a position to be with him without the feelings of jealousy. I don't blame you for the jealousy, as I am learning to deal with my jealousy of my ex's new wife. He has taken her and her son to a luxury resort but yet didn't offer to take OUR children. He does things for his new "family" while neglecting his first. What you're feeling is normal and natural. I know that I have to remove myself from the mess that is my ex and say that he has chosen to do this or that and realize that I can't control it (trust me, how I WISH I could make him see the errors of his ways LOL). Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this and just remember this too will pass. In the meanwhile, make the most of your new life and enjoy your children. They are a blessing to comfort us.
You know....possibly the reason why the children have not said that they are upset with what he did because they just dont understand it all completely themselves.
Or they feel they dont want to take sides. They may very well feel very hurt, angry for you. But just don't voice it.
Could you ask their thoughts on it? Or would that not be a good idea.
When i feel angry it's because i felt so left out of the loop, so deceived, so used.
In our society we are use to being held accountable for our actions. When a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend does these type of things...they are not accountable to anyone or anything. It just sucks!
The lights are turned out on us and for them...they just go merrily on their way, with not another thought.
Sometimes I don't know how we get through...but you know what...we do ! ! ! That's all that matters.