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Detective work Pays off

October 10 2010 at 9:06 PM

  (Login webejebe)
Member

In my last post I said sometime next week I would find which path I should take and start down the road. A discovery I made 30 minutes ago just made that a certainty. I never believed that my W had given up the drugs, too many things didn't add up. She always went to NA meetings when she had to quit....hasn't done that this time. Stops drinking.... hasn't done that this time. for the last few weeks there have been 2 books of matches on the back of the toilet.....Hmmmm, why would she have matches in the bathroom???? I have been looking for a stash since I told her I wanted a divorce, to no avail, until tonight. I searched the bathroom from bottom to top and found her stash above the shower in a cabinet we don't use because it is too high. I am going to the courthouse and get the papers this week. sad.gif Movin' Forward and out of neutral. Cal, I thought about you and the choice you husband made (I think it was you, if not I apologize) and I thought that was something my W would not do. Just goes to show ya' never under estimate the addict.

BTW, took pictures of her stash on my cell phone.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
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(Login labz)
Member

picture

October 11 2010, 1:37 PM 

Thats good you have that picture in case you need it in the future...you should probably print it out or send it to your computer just in case it gets deleted by accident or purposely.

Stay strong.

Labz

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 11 2010, 2:24 PM 

Jeff...I went through the same thing. Nothing made sense. Like you I knew, but of course we need physical proof. Like you I found the proof cause addicts lie. The following day I put the drugs on the table and told him he had a choice. He picked up the drugs and never came back. I filed for divorce. It has been 3 years and he still refuses to sign.

Be forwarned. After I found the drugs and he left, he begged me to still try and work things out. They will beg! Dont fall for it. A few months later I found out he had a new OW and had for awhile...that was why he was able to walk away...he had someone waiting. I never understood why he begged for another chance. I dont get it. But unless you are an addict it is hard to understand their thinking. She may still be having A's or ONS's that you may find out about later...it is common but still hurts a LOT! Guard your heart during this process my friend...stay strong! She will pull at your heart strings but it is all an act. Unless she checks into rehab (and even then BE careful) you cannot trust a word she says.

Good luck and (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha


    
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Oct 11, 2010 2:25 PM


 
 

Jeff A.
(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 11 2010, 6:18 PM 

Last night, after our daughter went to bed, I went upstairs and retrieved the drugs from her hiding spot, walked over to her and tossed the bag on the desk. Almost immediately she ask "where did you find that"? I said to her, I don't know, you tell me, and I walked away. she asked me 2 more times as I was walking, then she said that she hadn't smoked in over a month and she would take a p*ss test to prove it and threw the bag at me , hitting me in the back, telling me to get rid of it. Don't worry friend's...I ain't buyin' the story!. I may not have been good at math, but I know when a story doesn't add up. Assuming her story IS true, it has been almost 3 months since I told her I wanted a D and she said she hasn't smoke in over a month, which means she bought more AFTER the D announcement AND she "forgot" that she had more drugs AND where she hid them. She still hasn't gone to an NA meeting. Have also given up the idea of trying to persuade FIL hoping he can talk some sense into her. Printed out the divorce paperwork today and hope to have it filled out mid week. Staying Strong. ((((((HUGS))))))

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 11 2010, 8:21 PM 

Finding the drugs is like having another d-day...it is like finding out your WS is still seeing the OP. My IC used to always say that as long as he is still do drugs he is still cheating on you...the drug is the OW. It is hurtful...I am so sorry.

You are right, your FIL is an enabler and he cannot help you get through to her. Only she can open her eyes for herself, when or if she is ever willing to do so. I am glad you found the courage to stand your ground and not fall for the lies. It isn't easy. We want to believe them, cause we want the marriage to work. But we cannot live in denial forever...nor can we remain in a marriage that is not reciprocal without losing ourselves. Once the blinders come off, it is hard to go back to being blind!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha


    
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Oct 11, 2010 8:24 PM


 
 

Jeff A.
(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 12 2010, 5:39 PM 

WOW, I never thought of it as another D day, but you are so right. My heart sank when I found out what I had suspected to be true. I felt really bad after confronting her with the drugs and the enabler side of felt bad for prejudging her and thought maybe her story could be true. But then the new me said, yeah right, I know the game now and was able to apply some rational thought to the situation. Couldn't have done that without my friends here. Thank You.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 15 2010, 7:30 PM 

Just wondering if you filled out the paperwork and filed? Also wondering how things are going Jeff?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

 
 


(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 17 2010, 2:45 PM 

God, this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I started filling out the paperwork but I just cant seem to be able to finish it. This is so contrary to everything I wanted...I know it needs to be done. Further complicating matters, our 21st anniversary is November 3rd, a little over 2 weeks away.
She hasn't gone for a drug test yet like she said she was willing to do. Don't expect to see one either.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 

Anonymous
(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 17 2010, 7:02 PM 

Jeff...she hasnt gone because she isnt going to pass. After a few weeks the drug will not show up in her urine if she temporarily sustains from use. If she uses some of those "clean urine" formulas you can get at health food stores and online it may not show up after a few days according the products promise. Time is important and she is well aware. She is waiting cause it suits her and she knows you it will be too late, unless you have her hair tested. Much more costly! Plus, you are still there and you have not filed. Jeff, I am sorry but at this point you are making matters worse. If you do not follow through with your threats then you are nothing but a doormat in her eyes. And as i have told you before, never ever make a threat or give her an ultimatum unless you are willing and able to follow through with it...it only does more damage. If you are not ready that is fine, but then do not threaten. we are ready when we are ready...

When my exWH was lying to me I also tested his urine at home against his knowledge. He had a bad habit of not flushing the toilet in the mornings. Urine is at it's strongest in the morning, and even with all the water in the bowl he tested positive every time! when confronted he said the tests were wrong...hows that for denial?

BTW: You can buy dipstick tests online Jeff, no need to wait for her to go! Keep some onhand incase there's a next time!

{sending prayers of strength your way Jeff}

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

 
 
Coventrie
(Login coventrie)
Member

you'll feel worse if you don't make the push...

October 17 2010, 8:58 PM 

Jeff, you said:

"our 21st anniversary is November 3rd, a little over 2 weeks away"

- this is an obstacle for you, but you WILL look back once you push yourself over the hump of ending it, and be glad you did. And, like several others of us here, the worst thing is that your marriage IS already over, it's only alive in your mind as a kind of ghost of hopes and expectations. Once you can face that and go onward you will feel a thousand times better.

Trust me - I staggered at the 16 year mark, took WH back, and finally after 20 years and a few months more of the same old stuff, saw that enough was enough.

You'll feel better about yourself once you're past the point of taking definitive action. You just HAVE to make yourself do it. Get all the help you need for this but, for your own sanity and self respect, DO IT..

Best, C

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 17 2010, 10:43 PM 

Coventrie is right...(btw the way HI C)

The scary thing is Jeff, YOU are "worried" about rocking the boat. She should be the one who is worried about losing you. Your wife on the other hand has no fear. Your anniversary is coming up, so what! You cannot use that as an excuse to NOT do what needs to be done. She broke vow after vow. Do you really think she values your marriage as much as you do? If she did she would stop the drugs and she would be remorseful for the A. So what does the anniversary really mean? Is there really a "marriage" to celebrate? Not at this point Jeff if you are honest with yourself. Your marriage is not reciprocal and there is NO trust whatsoever. A marriage without trust and reciprocity is not a marriage by anyone's definition. It doesn't mean you do not love her. This has nothing to do with love, if it did all would be right in your world. A marriage takes more than love to work and anyone who thinks otherwise is living in a fantasy world.

Jeff, sorry buddy, but you need a reality check my friend...we call it the 2x4 on here. TOUGH LOVE! Only you have the power to stop the insanity.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

EDITED TO ADD: I put the drugs on the table on Halloween...our anniversary was less than a month away...on Thanksgiving that year, then there is Christmas, New Years, birthdays...and so on. Is there ever really a good time when "something" is not coming up? That is just the way life is...there is never going to be a "prefect" time for YOU. It is hard, I know. And I am sorry Jeff.


    
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Oct 19, 2010 8:28 AM


 
 


(Login fivefoottwo)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 18 2010, 7:37 AM 

Ouch, Jeff. You must be smarting right about now from these 2 x 4s being flung at you, albeit with cyberspace love.

I will get directly to my point. My H could not/would not give up OW (much like an intoxication) although we had had 3 Ddays. Looking back...I enabled that behavior because I was living with my eyes wide shut. It took ME, on Dday 3, to pack his things (we had been married 33 years!) and tell him he's on his own.

He spent less than 2 weeks away and some of the time with OW, to step out of the fantasy and beg beg beg for one more chance. I was willing, but with many stipulations for the reconciliation...which he followed to the letter and beyond. It's been almost 4 years since then, and he mentions often that his love of life, his future, his sanity, and his family are in tact because of me and my strengths. We just had our son's wedding, and are expecting our first grandson from our daughter, and H is quick to say that these pleasures in his life are my doing, since our family is still together...and they accepted him back in it, and he feels the love.

You see kicking him out that day was a super strength, and altered everything.

Now there's no guarantee your W will come around and be remorseful like my H, but what do you have to lose?

Best,

JJ

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 26 2010, 3:04 PM 

Just wondering how you are Jeff?

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

 
 

Jeff A.
(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 27 2010, 9:09 PM 

Sat here staring at a blank screen for about 5 minutes. I don't know how I am doing to tell you the truth. I have my moments of clarity and purpose, then I have what seems like an eternity of doubt and procrastination, hoping it will all somehow magically take care of it self. I know what I NEED to do, must do...I know, I know, I know.
Its like I have spent my entire adult life trying not to jump off a cliff, and now I have to jump off a cliff.

Still no voluntary urine test (wasn't expecting one) or any effort to "plead her case" further to me. Found an Al-Anon meeting to go to this Friday, maybe it will help talking face to face with others who have been there.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 27 2010, 9:40 PM 

Jeff,

I think going to al-anon is a great idea. I did some online al-anon for awhile but found it was not really for me. I guess I was just not able to accept staying in the marriage knowing my addict was never going to change. You will find a wide range of where people are at as far as acceptance and coping with the addict, and codepency issues, and what approach to take. For so long I was willing to accept my exWHs addiction until he had the A's because he is a functioning addict. I made excuses for him and never held him accountable for his own choices and actions, which made me an enabler. I tried to save him from himself because it is what I wanted. He didn't want any saving, lol. What I have learned is that you cannot change anyone else but yourself. You cannot change the addict or their actions but you can change how you interact and react to the addict and their choice to use. The problem is that deep down i always knew that if it ever came down to the drugs or me that he would choose the drugs and walk away, which is exactly what he did. Like you Jeff, I tried for 20 years to not jump off the cliff out of fear, but a person can take only so much. What seems like a cliff at the time eventually becomes just the fist step...but once you take the first step the next step is a little easier, and so on. It is not easy but in the end you and your daughter are worth it. stay strong.

An addict who is currently using is not going to willingly take a drug test unless they have a reason to believe they will pass it, or if they are faced with consequences for not taking it. Have there been any consequences for her?

Let us know how it goes at Al-Anon...

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

 
 

Jeff A.
(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 29 2010, 10:48 PM 

Went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight (thought it started a 7:30 but it started at 7:00, Oops). Basically just introduced myself, gave a little outline of why I was there and listened. Its a smallish group, 7 people. Got some literature about other meetings in the area and plan on going to a different one on Tuesday also. I think it's going to help a lot, listened to the others and found a little chunk of me in each of their stories. Kind of psyched about this plus it feels good to get out of the house.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 


(Login SoCalGal)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

October 30 2010, 10:23 AM 

That's why these groups work. Just like here on HH, we are united by a shared trauma. We all have "been there". No one truly understands unless they have, and it helps us to connect with others and we learn that we are not alone. We start to understand why our spouses do/did what they do/did, that it has nothing to do with us, that we cannot change them and we learn to "let go". It helps us to deal and heal in our own time, one step at a time. It helps us to get fresh ideas, and gives us different perspectives on our own situations. And most of all it gives us understanding and support as we work our way through all of the mess when we need it the most!!!

I'm glad you went Jeff for YOU...

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha


    
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Oct 30, 2010 10:24 AM


 
 
Coventrie
(Login coventrie)
Member

Jumping..

October 31 2010, 9:21 PM 

Cal write:
"I tried for 20 years to not jump off the cliff out of fear, but a person can take only so much"

You know Cal, that is an exact description of what I faced too..I spent most of this year up to Oct 1st knowing I now had no choice, I HAD to 'jump', and still could not make myself do it until I realised that I couldn't NOT do it any more.
I'm still not sure why it was so hard to push myself into taking the final step. But every day since Oct 1st I know I did the right thing...Jeff you will get there. A better life IS worth it. and you are doing the right thing getting help too. Some things cannot be carried through alone.

To a new life, one without fear!

Best to you all,

C

 
 

Jeff A.
(Login webejebe)
Member

Re: Detective work Pays off

November 1 2010, 7:17 PM 

I am sure I will get there eventually. Your line "I couldn't NOT do it" makes it a lot clearer for me. Love how the simple thoughts ring the loudest sometimes. Hopefully I don't take too long to have my "Butch and Sundance" moment.

Never wanted to be here, but glad I am back

 
 
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