Each of us is responsible for what we read and how we react. Avoid generalizing, giving advice, and reading posts, threads or forums that are upsetting.
These message boards will be emotionally charged at times. To keep them as non-confrontational as possible, please review the following tips and try to apply them to your own messages on the boards. Our goal is to have the atmosphere of this site be determined by the members, not the moderators.
1) When speaking face to face, the words you hear are aided by voice inflection, facial expressions and body language. Unfortunately, these types of communication are not available on a message board. Bearing this in mind, try to be as clear as possible with your own words. Sarcasm, cynicism and even humor can be misinterpreted by the reader of the post, which can then lead to arguments, hurt feelings and “flame wars”. The use of emoticons can help to some degree. If you are being sarcastic, cynical and/or humorous, explaining this in your post is the most effective way to let the other members know where you are coming from.
2) “I” statements are preferable to “You” statements. Try not to give direct advice, unless it is specifically asked for. Remember, everyone’s situation is different. Instead, we strongly encourage you to share your own experiences and how they may relate to the member(s) you are writing to. For example, someone asks, “How do I deal with anger?” Instead of starting your reply with, “Here’s what you should do…” try, “I had issues with anger as well. Here are some things that helped me deal with it, maybe they can help you too…”
3) If you are unsure about the meaning or intent of a post you read, ask the writer of the post for clarification before responding. There have been times when a member or members misread or misunderstood a poster’s thoughts, replied in an angry or attacking way, which of course resulted in a responsive attack. This is what we are trying to avoid.
4) Before hitting the “Reply” button, take a minute to re-read your post and try to put yourself in the place of someone else reading. Ask yourself if your post could be taken in more than one way, and if so, try to clarify your position.
5) If a post hits you hard emotionally, please wait and try to calm down before replying, or don’t reply at all. If the post is offensive, notify a moderator. Remember always that we are all here trying to help each other recover from affairs, whether you are betrayed or betrayer. “Shooting from the hip” can be detrimental to both you and the other members.
6) We strongly urge newly betrayed partners to be gentle with them selves. In the initial stages of discovery and recovery, a newly betrayed partner should avoid reading any messages on the Open forum, as the subjects discussed by formerly wayward spouses on this site may trigger a strong emotional response which can be detrimental to everyone. Please do not post on the Open forum until you feel comfortable reading posts on the Open forum and can respond without strong emotions.
7) Language filters have been disabled. Tolerance for vivid or colorful language will vary among members, so please keep this in mind when using such language. If such strong language offends you, please skip over that post and move on to the next one.
8) Each member is responsible for choosing the messages that he or she reads or responds to.
9) Please avoid statements that generalize and/or are emotionally loaded. We are all here because of infidelity, and there are similarities, but everyone’s personal situation has its own uniqueness. Whether man, woman, betrayed, betrayer, ethnicity, sexual preference, religious persuasion or nationality, the one thing we all would appreciate is respect for the individuality of our situation.
10) Betraying spouses are not allowed to post on the Discovery or Further forums. However, you are allowed to read there to gain some perspective on your own situation. If you do this, be advised that the betrayed members that post there are posting with very raw emotions for the most part, and reading these posts may not be conducive to your own healing.