newbie - intro and help with 'sex after affairs'October 29 2009 at 5:49 AM
|Abi (Login abi30)|
First I want to say thanks to everyone for listening.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we have two little girls, both under 4.
My husband turned to porn within a couple months after our marriage, and had his first affair within the first six months. He claimed it was because I was no longer satisfied him sexually in one area. He still wanted to have sex with me, just more than I felt comfortable giving.
I had realized before we got married that there was one thing sexually that I might not be willing to continue doing, I thought that that might change after we were married, but it didn't. I was happy to do anything accept one thing that my husband requested, but he couldn't live without that one thing, so he turned elsewhere.
I was horrified that my once attentive husband was now spending day and night in front of the computer and had now started staying out sometimes at night until dawn. I knew he was going after women, he couldn't keep his eyes off them when we were together and he had no friends to hang out with all night anyway.
Anyway, he came clean and swore he didn't want to do it, felt horrible and never wanted to do it again. We had only been married six months and I wanted to believe him, plus this is my second marriage (he ended up in prison). Anyway, nothing stopped and over the next 4 years he cheated so many times both of us lost count. I didn't leave because I was too weak, and I desperately wanted to believe that this would be the last time.
I'm sure this is an old story and nothing new to many of you. But now I feel stuck and do not know what to do.
My husband has been "clean" for a year now and we are in couple's therapy. For years I have been fighting to keep the family together, and to keep our families and friends from knowing. I never talked to anyone about it, including therapists (because husband wouldn't go with me). Now my husband has come clean, really changed his life, and is doing well in therapy. But I am not ok now. Now that it's all over I feel empty and completely uninterested. After so many years of fighting and hiding and enabling, I don't want to be that person anymore. I want to be free and I hate this feeling of being trapped.
My husband is good to us, loves his kids, thinks I'm beautiful even if I'm overweight, and doesn't' want to leave. But for "some" reason I am not interested in sex at all, with my husband. When he touches me, I feel disgust. When he feels me up I want to gag. When we have sex, I cry.
I have no desire to hurt him, get revenge, or damage our kids with a divorce. But I don't want him.
It's fun to talk to him, he is interesting. . . boring sometimes as he tends to repeat things. But over all he is a good person, never violent, and provides.
I really do not know how to get past this. I do not know how to move on.
I would rather be with someone else (no one in particular, I do not talk to other men let alone know anyone I would rather be with).
We are doing well, we are in therapy, we are still together. But I am not ok. It's not fair to my husband to be married to someone who is disgusted by his touch, whether he deserves it or not. It is not fair for me to have to live with someone I do not want touching me.
Our counselor wants us to move forward and to focus on the present and the future. And as helpful as that is, I still don't want to ever have sex again with my husband.
What do I do?