Never thought Id do this but well, here goes..Its been D-Day+20 now and whilst things are getting better I still feel Im in a bubble which only stretches and never breaks, no matter how hard you push, does that make sense?
I started a new job just over two years ago, quite high-profile and better paid but I had to put in more hours as soon as I was suitably qualified, my wife (now married 8 years, three kids under ten) stated she wanted to give up work anyway as she was fed up with it, she seemed happy with that. My new colleagues were great and two in particular were home tradesmen on the side, they started doing jobs for me at home at greatly reduced rates, we started going out and travelling together and I got to know what one in particular was like away from his wife and child. In short he was a womaniser.
We became (or so I thought...) good friends and I assumed he was feeling the same, I never criticised his ways nor he mine. I have never strayed from my wife and despite the fact that he tried to get me to, I never did.I have to say I didnt really trust him anyway.
So nearly three weeks ago I discovered that my wifes cell bill (we have a joint account in my name, so I wasnt spying)was more than mine, which is highly unusual, when I went back I discovered that it was the same for a few months, I told her this and she looked aghast, she claimed she hardly ever used it, she was sure it was a mistake. So I contacted the company and they confirmed it was all correct, he sent me an online itemised bill, which showed all her texts to a certain number I didnt recognise.
I asked whos it was and she visibly paled and kept trying to walk away, I was getting worried now and she told me it was my friends number, I had to say I wasnt totally expecting it but it still didnt seem a surprise.
WS 'We just text', me 'I dont believe you', WS 'ok he comes around and we talk thats all', me 'still dont believe you', WS 'we have kissed is all', me 'and the rest, youve been sleeping wih him havent you?' WS' only 2 or 3 times', and in my house, my bed. That was the end of my life as I know it.Im shaking here just remembering it all.
Now I know I was suffering from Trauma and its only now I have managed to talk about it,both with her and a therapist, its amazing what Ive learned from these forums and books in general.
It had been going on for 8 months, we had made love as normal, we had holidayed, my youngest child had started school, we had been to family parties, we had done lots of things and she never showed the slightest hint of guilt, it all seems a sham to me now.
I feel in limbo, we are still together here, we are talking.I guess if I didnt walk out in the first ten minutes, I was always going to stay for the kids...at first.I never reacted violently, I never swore,I was too numb. I wont go into my thoughts because you all probably know them, Ive read them here.
Ive had to tell the boss at work due to the nature of my job and the culprit is public enemy number one now, having been moved around, nobody is talking to him which makes me feel better, although I dont know what id do if I heard he was trying to justify it.
We dont have the perfect marriage, we argue, we shout, but Ive always felt it was quite normal, we dont have money worries or bad kids. My wife has issues from her upbringing that she seriously needs to address, and is trying to....and if I thought she didnt love me I would have walked immediately.
I am just a normal guy,I work hard, lots of friends, no real hang-ups (well not then anyway...).I guess Im just looking for answers to questions that I dont know how to ask?? How do you trust again? Is it possible? I know she went NC straight away, but do I believe it will stay that way? He just wanted sex, thats all and if it took a bit of listening and false affection to get it, he was willing. I feel I could watch him die slowly and laugh, but I know Im more mature than that.Does this pain end?
Theres a nomad in me that just wants to go, buy a plane ticket and go somewhere else, start walking across the US or something, Ive had to be self-sufficient from a young age and feel I could handle it, but id miss my kids too much......How do I get my head straight? Im on no drugs and no alcohol, and have only just started eating again.
This message has been edited by StPauli on Mar 16, 2005 9:22 AM
>>Im in a bubble which only stretches and never breaks, no matter how hard you push, does that make sense? <<
Oh yeah. It's a great image.
>>We became (or so I thought...) good friends and I assumed he was feeling the same, I never criticised his ways nor he mine<<
I had a friend like that.
>>Now I know I was suffering from Trauma<<
Yes.
>>I never reacted violently<<
IMHO, that's a very good sign. I didn't either but I can easily understand how a guy could snap. [It wouldn't be acceptable but I understand how it can happen].
>>I know she went NC straight away<< That's another very good sign, IMHO.
>>How do you trust again? Is it possible?<< My guess is that some people can't. I somehow doubt that anyone trusts again the way that we did the first time around. The lucky ones do seem get to get back to a certain level of trust. They seem to find the place where the lies, half truths, and evasions dry up.
>>Is it possible? Does this pain end?<<
Yes [x2] I don't see how the pain could have stayed that way although I still can't believe how much time it took.
>>How do I get my head straight?<<
I found no magic potions or spells or recipes or instructions or blue prints. I started with the little stuff (regular sleep, good diet, regular exercise). Individual counseling helped me. Giving up alcohol was critical. Subscription anti-depressants were important for me. Working on important relationships (parents, kids, etc) helped. Posting helped - connecting with people who were dealing with something similar helped alot.
Jon, I'm sorry you are here, but welcome. I could have written most of your words myself almost 3 years ago but from a Yank's perspective. What you are feeling and asking is normal.
The trust can come back but that normally depends on how hard your wife works on the marriage and if she is trully remorseful. Being trully remorseful means that she will do anything you need to help you heal. It also means that she will do whatever it takes to deal with whatever issues that she has (attend counseling) to heal herself. If you are like us there will seem like there is something in the room besides you and your wife for a long while. Some have refered to it here as a big black dog. It is generally the lack of true trust and unspoken words to address it.
I understand your anger, believe me, I understand. It will be with you for a long time probably. It took me 2 1/2 years to calm down about OM. But I have not seen him in all this time. If I ran into him somewhere, I still don't know what I will do. I went after him the day after I found out and I'm lucky that my wife's co-workers warned him and helped him escape out the back door.
Keep reading and posting here. It will help just to know that others understand the pain and anger and frustration because most of the world turns a deaf ear if they have not experienced the trauma.
I'm sorry you had to find us, but this is a place where you will find understanding and support that may not be available to you "in real life".
For us men, talking about (our feelings that result after) infidelity with friends and family just seems to be very difficult. A worldwide anonymous forum is a better thing for some of us.
You've recieved the standard advice: eat, exercise, rest.
I'd add this: this doesn't "go away". You must go through it. Alone. We can help, nudge, listen, talk, and guide. But it's your journey, and the choices are yours. Sometimes you will feel as if you are making progress, other times as if you are stuck in the mud.
One thing you wrote comes up again and again in regard to betraying women: "childhood issues that need to be addressed". You can't fix that part of her, only she can fix it. And she must WANT to fix it. Not merely cry and fuss that she's a bit messed up in the head, but actually do the work of digging down and figuring out how that "old stuff" is affecting her today...AND CHANGE HER BEHAVIOR.
In this, you are reduced to a "waiting and watching" and maybe a supporting and reinforcing role if good changes start to happen.
It is up to you how long to "wait and watch". I did so for a long time because my sons were 9 and 12 on d-day, and I was intent on raising them both. So you will not get any criticism from me if you decide to "wait and watch" for a good long time.
Sometimes, though, "waiting and watching" is all that happens, and each day you must decide "do I stay, or do I go".
When things happen, come here and tell us about it. We understand. Sometimes just the telling helps. Other times the support, understanding, and encouragement helps. And if you ask for advice, you will surely get that.
Thanks for your support guys,it now feels as though Im not the only one who is going through/has gone through this.I have friends at work who have experienced the same things and are giving me advice also.
My wife is getting counselling now,but I cant help thinking that it may be too late,I felt at total rock-bottom on d-day and feel better now,so I must be on the up.I never want to go there again and I will do anything to prevent it.I feel like im in a tunnel and I dont know where the road goes at the end,I dont know if I can look at that beautiful woman the same again, but I guess thats what limbo is like.I see what you all mean about the 'movies',its doing my head in.
We have this 'stiff upper lip' attitude here in the UK that prevents us being open about these things,only recently has the advice changed from 'pull yourself together' to 'see a counsellor'.
When Im in the US I find that people are more prepared to be open and more emotional,so I feel a bit more comfortable if indeed thats where most of you are from.
I guess I have a long way to go (Ive read your stories),but thanks for listening.
I understand the double betrayel of your W having an affair with a friend all too well. I went through it myself, over 6 years now since D-Day for me.
Regaining trust CAN happen, but keep in mind that the trust will NEVER be 100% like it used it be, and when you think about it, that's a good thing. Because we're all human, we're all imperfect, and therefore, NONE of us deserve 100% trust anyways. The measure of trust that WILL return will not return all at once. It will take a long time, and it WILL get frustrating, both for you and your W as you deal with those issues.
I felt the anger too. I literally split open a heavy kicking bag with a kick (I'm a martial artist). If that had been OM, it would have killed him. Scared the crap out of me when I did that, and it made me realize that me going to jail for something that my W and OM did was NOT the way to go.
Buying a plane ticket... Yeah, I had those thoughts as well. But, having grown up with an eye disease that is robbing my sight, I knew that problems cannot be run away from. They MUST be faced dead on, or they will forever haunt you. But that's just me...
Be prepared for ups and downs. You're doing better now, but don't be surprised if you backslide a bit. Recovery from affairs is quite often a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of thing. It WILL happen, it's NORMAL. We'll be here to help you through the dips and heights of the roller coaster ride that you're going to take.
I'm one of those that are still married. Although it took a while, my W finally realized what she needed to do help me heal, help herself do the work necessary to ensure that she wouldn't slip again, and to help our marriage heal as well. It was touch and go for a while, but I'm now glad that I stayed, and that we worked together to move forward.
It CAN be done, as long as both parties are willing to do the work necessary.
Regards,
Cory
PS: I share the eye disease I mentioned with one of your MP's. He's the Labour MP of Erdington (Birmingham).
<<It had been going on for 8 months, we had made love as normal, we had holidayed, my youngest child had started school, we had been to family parties, we had done lots of things and she never showed the slightest hint of guilt, it all seems a sham to me now>>
Oh, Jon, I know this feeling...I also think about things that went on during the 8 months of my H's affair...It is so hard to grasp that my H had a whole other secret life going on at the same time...when I was just going about my business and believing that he loved me as always....
You asked about the hurt ending...I am almost a year out from finding out about my H's affair...At that time I read in several places that it takes at least two years to recover, and I remember being horrified at the prospect of feeling like that for 2 years...Well, I can tell you that at one year I am doing way better than I was a year ago...though there is still a lot of pain...it is not as sharp...For the first few months I barely functioned...Now I guess I am functioning at about 80%....
As others have said, a lot depends on the FWS' commitment to healing and making sure that it does not happen again...My H has gone to counseling, left the job where OW works, and we have recently moved to another state...He has also been forthcoming about telling me all about the affair. All of these things have helped me a lot...
I remember reading that is is helpful to learn all that you can about affairs in general. This also helped me a lot and gave me hope...
The people here will also help you a lot...they will give you a lot of insight as well as support....
""My H has gone to counseling, left the job where OW works, and we have recently moved to another state...He has also been forthcoming about telling me all about the affair. All of these things have helped me a lot...""
Jon, this is what I was talking about in my other post to you. This is the level of committment that has to come from your wife in order for you to heal, your wife to heal, and your marriage to heal. Luckily my wife has done the same for us but, like Cory said in so many words, it will never be the same as before.
Jon,
Just so you know I am in the UK also, I am sorry you have found the need to make your way to this place, here as you have already found is some measure of peace and comfort.
As to the stiff upper lip - well I pretty much tossed that aside on d-day but with the help of these people here I am learning how to present that face when I am dealing with H.
Welcome.
JeanUK
Jon wrote >>We have this 'stiff upper lip' attitude here in the UK that prevents us being open about these things,only recently has the advice changed from 'pull yourself together' to 'see a counsellor'.<<
I agree, Jon. I also see a difference between Americans and Brits (and Canadians, for that matter). I've also thought quite a bit about those kinds of cultural differences. Except for parents and siblings, the rest of my family lives in the UK. My mother is from the midlands and my father was brought up in Edinburgh. My grandfather, father, and I have all lived in the U.S., Canada, and the U.K. I first immigrated to the U.S. about 37 years ago, stayed for a few years and then left. I returned about 15 years ago and have been here ever since.
As a general rule, Americans (and to a lesser extent Canadians) seem to be more open about their personnel lives than Brits. A stiff upper lip has its place, to be sure, but it seems to me that one disadvantage is that it makes it more difficult for people to reach out for help at critical times (like these) when they people need help most.
To be fair, there are plenty of "stiff upper lip" types on this side of the pond too, especially in places like Texas (although Texans would never call it that). But overall things seem to be changing (probably for the better) everywhere. People are realizing that silence sometimes can be one of the knottiest parts of some very difficult problems, such as child or drug abuse (and infidelity). Some problems incubate in secrecy. They don't survive without it.
Im sorry for being a bit slow but I am back at work now and as he works there as well,its been a bit tough. From what I gather he is steering clear of me and trying to get away,he has also been threatened by some of my colleagues - man that makes me feel good! I think he banked on me being so ashamed if I ever found out that Id keep my mouth shut,well he was wrong, they all know and as they are mostly family men/women (some of whom have been through this), they are none too happy. Thanks for all your replies, its amazing to think that people actually want to help and direct, the main thing I felt at first was that I was so alone and every time I told a close friend I felt it helped 'offload' some of it, whatever 'it' is? My wife is being the perfect wife at the moment and she seems to be trying harder every day,I am sure that there is NC and if I found out there was or had been well...Ive had plenty of accomodation offers! I still really dont know what I want,but I suppose I have time at least, take care you all.
Just thought you might be getting on line over in US and reading this. Hope you're having a decent holiday. Don't expect too much, that way, you won't be disappointed.
Will be thinking of you. Get back on the boards as soon as you can.
Wishing you love and happiness xxxxx
this is exactly how i feel. I want to drop my driver's license on the ground and walk, climb in a taxi. not be me for a while. drop this terrible baggage that my husband has brought into our lives. i have even passed out a couple of times from the extreme emotions.
