Today we went to the marriage counsellor,this is our third session and it is helping bring things to the fore,she is very good and to be honest I am finding it helpful.My wife has been very remorseful,very affectionate and genuinely concerned about how its going at work for me.I felt she was starting to see that she has been a total idiot.Im not saying Im perfect but I still cant see where I went catastrophically wrong in all this,she concedes she has issues and is seeing a seperate counsellor regarding these,she says that this is helping her realise cerain things, but....... Anyway the counsellor asked her outright 'if this man came to the door would you be able to say 'no', would you be able to not let him in?' and she says...weepily...'I dont know'!!! He hasnt contacted her for a month, nor her him,she seems like shes getting over this.....and I feel like more of a fool for trying now, am I stupid? am I wasting my time? is this normal? Even the counsellor seemed a bit frustrated, she said 'look you need to decide where you are going with this, can you make a commitment to your husband???' she of course said 'yes',but wow what a kick in the teeth!!

Jon,
At this time give your wife the benefit of doubt...you are still in the early days of healing and your wife would not be honest if she had said any other thing. Lalaland takes a while to come out of. your wife is still emotional about the OM...she is not at the point of yet seeing that she was used...her self esteem will plunge...and that maybe what she is talking to IC about...she is there with you and working with you. she has to understand what was happening to her and why she choose to have an A.

Jon the healing process takes time. Please go read on the open board and post this there... GT a former WS is a wonderful resourse for you to listen to.

Jon the most frustrating aspect of the recovery is the TIME it takes to get past all the emotional rollercoaster you will experience.

pat

"Am I wasting my time.....?"

Pat wrote some good things, and made good points.

It's a hard call though.

Five or six years from now you may have a new marriage with your wife or you may look back and see some of this as a waste of time or even humiliating.

My experience also included: Counseling. Some drop-kicks to the teeth. A very remorseful H. Four years of attempted reconciliation.

But the marriage never returned after his affair. He went back into that same affair in about year 5 post d-day--after he made a rock solid re-commitment to me and said he never ever would.



Although I have to take into consideration that he was a daily drinker who refused treatment.

Jon, in my case, it took my W over 8 MONTHS, not weeks or days, to get over her feelings for OM. In my opinion, your W's lingering emotional feelings for OM are NORMAL at this point.

At this point, you BOTH are going through a grieving process. You're grieving for what you see as a lost marriage, a lost W, a lost LIFE in many cases. Again, this is normal.

Your W is also grieving the same things, and it's compounded by those lingering feelings PLUS the guilt she feels as she starts to REALLY see what she did.

For your marriage to survive, you BOTH must have patience with yourselves and each other. I'm here to tell you that it CAN work. I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt, though. It's NOT easy, and there will be MANY times that you, her, or both of you will want to give up. You both need to fully commit to going through this process. From what you've said so far, it seems like that commitment is there.

Join hands and walk through this fire TOGETHER. At the end, you both will have scars, but those scars will someday be indicators of how strong you both became as individuals and as a couple.

We'll be here every step of the way for you. Keep posting and asking these questions. You're sure to get input. Some of it you may not like, sometimes holding that mirror up in front of you is tough. But I can promise you, what you will NOT get is bullshit.

Cory

"Opponents cannot exhaust you." - The Art Of War

It is possible to re-create a marriage after adultery. Cory's right that it takes the power of both and maybe most of the work should come from the betrayer.


However, we can also be blinded by a desperate desire to make things right again, when they can never be.

Thanks for your replies,I guess I was a little upset this morning and youve all said some things that make sense,Ive calmed down a bit now and so has she.I will put this on the open forum and see what happens,Ive been reading that too.One thing I think Ive decided to do,when I finish night duty on the morning of next Wednesday I feel I should go away for a while.I think I need some breathing space,W and kids will be in the North of England at her Mums for the Easter holidays, she thinks Im coming up to join them on the Wed.I just want to go somewhere quiet that reminds me that there is more to this world than my hurt feelings,it may also give her a break from my hurt feelings too, should I?

'One cannot answer for his courage when he has never been in danger'

Jon,
If you need a little breathing space it may be good, but My H (FWS) didn't want me to be out of reach afraid I would decide to leave...do talk to your wife about what your plans are she may really need you to be with her.... maybe plan to join them on friday?

Good luck deciding what to do.

pat

What is marriage counselling? We went to counselling and the very first thing the counsellor asked was did we both want to save our marriage, her point being, if either of you don't, or aren't sure, then marriage counselling is not the place to be.
How can a marriage be guided, if one party isn't sure they want to be in it?
I think your wife must make her decision, 100%, full committment, and only after she's done that can you then go on to fixing the problems in the marriage. This makes complete sense to me. It's like going to the doctor with a broken arm and saying you're not sure if you want it mended or not. What's the poor doctor supposed to do? You each have to be able to define your own goals, desires and hopes and dreams, and work out if you share them before you can be counselled on how to put things right.
xxxx

Thanks Sandy,yes our counsellor asked that on session 1 too,and she had to ask it again on session 3,it was directed mainly at my wife who eventually stated she was 100% in this,although her reticence is starting to rub off on me.I am now feeling this wont work,she is off in her silent world again and she is losing her temper soooo quickly,Im so close to walking out...but remarkably calm about it!

'One cannot answer for his courage when he has never been in danger'

Jon
Recovery is not an over night thing...it takes time...one or three MC sessions are not enough...healing takes TIME...the A took time to evolve and the same it will take Time to heal. We did both MC and individual counseling, and continue with both .
The pain your wife is feeling is normal as are your feeling...it is describes as a roller coaster of emotions. The healing has to begin within both of you before you can heal the marriage.

pat

This is all sounding very familiar to me. My husband, the one who had the affair, also loses his temper, also said he wasn't sure he was committed to the marriage for the first year that we were back together (though he said he was at the time and now admits he was lying). I knew he wasn't committed, cos I could 'feel' it, but he kept saying he was, and it was only after my spying uncovered a few secrets that he admitted he wasn't committed for that first year. And they wonder why it takes us so long to get over these things?!!!!
Also, like you, I felt like giving up and walking away, and to be honest, I probably will one day, but its all a long story mentioned in bits and pieces of my posts all over the place, but basically comes down to the fact that my 87 Mum lives here and I feel I can't do anything until she's not here anymore. I honestly believe that if it wasn't for her, I'd have given up on his lies and lack of committment long ago - and wouldn't blame you one bit if that's what you decide to do now. I wonder if your going would be the trigger needed to make her realise what she's losing and want to give committment?
Good luck, love Sandy xxxx