Since my husband told me of his affair and just over 1 week since he broke it off with her. It still feels so fresh, like yesterday. I think it will feel that way for quite some time. Today it hit me REALLY hard because I happened to catch a movie with someone having a baby. It made me reflect back 3 1/2 months ago when I had our son. It should have been a joyous occasion for us to share as a husband and wife, but instead it felt distant. I cried. I knew that when he left the hospital he called the OW to tell her the news and the very day I came home from the hospital he went and saw her. Thinking of all these times, how selfish he was makes me want to kick his butt right out and end the marriage. It hurts so bad.

But, since he's broken off the affair he has been trying to be with the family more and show me affection. The affection part is hard. I just feel like he's replacing me with what he had from HER. I just keep seeing them together and thinking of all the deceit. All the times he would come home, shower, dress and fix his hair. He would always ask my opinion..How do I look, is my hair nice? Now I know it was to impress the OW. Makes me sick. When he comes home now he just throws on a t-shirt and shorts and doesn't even try to look nice. He told me last week that aside from the whole thing I know everything about him. I know all his quirks, etc. he can be himself. I guess that makes me feel better. The other day when he was showing me affection he started crying a little and said that I was the only woman he wants memories of. I sure hope so.

He still hasn't called for counseling and I told him should our relationship continue improving I want to see a dr's notice that he is clean of ALL STD's. He has not gotten that done yet. I made an appt and have to go.

For those of you who are working on your marriages after an affair when is it appropriate to be intimate again? I'm so scared. I don't want him comparing me to her ya know? I'll always wonder if she was better. I mean, being in that I'm sure it's more exciting so of course it would be better. sigh. I hate this. absolutely hate this.

Jen,

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Let me assure you that almost everyone here has compared him/herself to the OP. Remember that the OP is part of the fantasy. While WS are in the fog/fantasy of the affair, they will often swear the sex was the best they've ever had. Don't you believe it. It seems to me that many (if not most) WS eventually admit that the sex with OP wasn't nearly as good as it is with the spouse. Some will even admit that the sex was terrible. What is the most exciting part of the affair is the escape from reality, from responsibility, NOT the OP.

I'm glad you are getting tested. It's terrible that you must, but you must do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your baby. Make sure you eat right, exercise, get enough rest. Having a new baby and dealing with an affair has got to be really challenging. Come here and post, and come to chat if you can. This place is full of wonderfully sympathetic, helpful folks.

If you haven't already, go to the online sites (I really got/get a lot from www.dearpeggy.com) and read, and read the books, like After the Affair by Janis Abrahms-Spring, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glassm Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, and Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnic, Gloria Harris. These sources can help you deal with your pain and what you need to do to survive, and understand what is going on.

Big fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

(((((((Jen))))))
I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Fairyfriend gave you great advice.
You are only 2 weeks past D-day....you are hurting and are just on the beginning of the emotional roller-coaster that can last for a long while, it takes Time to heal. It is not an overnight happening...it can be a year, 2 yrs. or more...

Jen one think you need to realize is that you are not to blame in any way shape or form for your H's A...that was his decision to have an A. He didn't come and say to you we have some issues we need to resolve ...I am very unhappy....he decided to have an A...it was a selfish act that hurt you and destroyed the trust you had in him. It is possible to rebuild the trust and rebuild a marriage...it will never be the same it will be different and can be better than your relationship now.

You asked when it is appropriate to begin being intimate again....Jen that is your decision....when you feel comfortable with having H make love to you...you cannot compare your self to the OW....she was just a BODY....she served a purpose for your H...she was an escape from reality, she flattered him. You have to remember that H choose to stay with you.....AND it is your choice to stay or leave your H....don't make a hasty decision to leave H...healing can happen and you can be happy again

Jen how long did your H's affair last? or when did it begin?....the reason I 'm asking is that there are men who have a madonna complex...concerning their wives...can not have sex with wife when she is pregnant ...don't know much about the madonna complex except that in many cases H's do have A's.

There are great people on this forum and are willing to share their experiences with you.

pat

Corrected for spelling>

Thanks....We were seperated for 2 months then he came back for the baby's arrival. He was going to counseling and stated he wanted to try and reconcile but at home he told me many times he didn't love me and we had nothing in common. I found out he started the affair in Oct 2004 and he had continued it until 2 weeks ago. I don't care any more though. He just lies and tries to sound smooth. I'm going to file for divorce as soon as I can.