Well, this evening I had a bad feeling about something and I just couldn't shake it. So, I drove out to where dh picks up the semi truck and his truck was parked there. I opened up the back end and in a box I found a large envelope filled with about 20 love letters, 2 black thong panties (each in a little white box), and cards. I told dh 2 days ago that he HAD to get rid of everything that reminded him of her, otherwise are marriage would never move forward. I took the envelope back home and hid it. Then he called and he could tell something was wrong. I never told him I found anything. BUT, I did ask him how she was. He was like I haven't talked with her, I said SWEAR you haven't he says I swear. I said ok, so you haven't talked with her and you've gotten rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of her? His response: Yes, I believe so. He is SUCH a liar. I'm done. I can't live like this. I won't tell him I have the stuff, unless he goes to look. But I'm just going to play nice until I get my half of the money and then I'm going to go file. I should get the money this week. I also told him that I want to see his cell phone bill and I'm going to call every number on there to see if he's called her and to be honest with me now about anything, just get it all out cause I will find out. He just said OK. ooooh, he's in for a shock when I tell him in a week or so.

wow, I honestly just feel bad for my kids. I'm happy to move on, but I just can't help feeling guilty about the decision I've had to make.

Jen

I'm sorry your going through this. Your conversation is very much a reminder of one I had with my ex a year after his A. He continued to lie also when we were trying to make it work and I even asked him to swear on something I had proof on and he swore on his mothers life. I just couldn't believe he would do that - it made me sick. He was really clueless and if you can't get honesty and don't think it will change, then your decision is a wise one. I even remember my ex crying when we watched a show that had an adulterer in it because he said he felt so bad about what he did. I am so happy without my ex now that honestly I am shocked we lasted that long and I'm shocked that I thought we had a good marriage. I realize now that I am far better off but it sure is painful at first. Just getting used to being single again and your kids suffering for it. My kids are doing great now and so am I.

Hang in there.

Charlie

Jen, how old are your kids? Sorry to ask if you already posted it.

Chris.

On another thread, Jen wrote >>It's been 2 weeks ... Since my husband told me of his affair and just over 1 week since he broke it off with her<<

I was officially divorced last June or July some time. I'm hoping that the attorneys will hammer out a child custody settlment and a property settlement at a trial currently scheduled for early May (it's a long story). My point is that I've chosen divorce - I'm not opposed to on principle but I don't recommend it. I mean, I believe that divorce is the right thing for me but my d-day was 5 years and 8 months ago.

Divorce may be the right thing for you too, Jen but unless you or your kids are in some kind of immediate danger, please take some time to think it over. Two or three weeks after d-day, I was in no condition to make life-changing decisions.

I'm in favor of taking a strong stand with an unfaithful spouse. I think you owe it to yourself and your kids to be clear that his behavior is not acceptable. But please also remember that it is pretty common for people in affairs to find it very difficult to "let go" of the other person. There are many people here who can tell you that it didn't "end" when their spouses said that it did. I don't mean that continuing an affair after it has been discovered is okay. Obviously it isn't. But it's common. This may truly be the last straw for you - it may have killed your desire for reconciliation. It's just that it might be worthwhile giving yourself time to decide what to do next.

I hope that you are taking especially good care of yourself now. For most people, the stuff that you are going through is traumatizing. It isn't a minor shock. It is traumatizing in the deepest way. My apologies for the direct advice but for the sake of yourself and your children, I hope that you will ask for some professional help - someone who understands the impact of ongoing infidelity and has some ideas for treating it now rather than later. You have alot of options. A professional might be able to help you figure out which ones could work best for you.

Jen,

I found things for two years. Some of it he had forgotten about.

It's a hard call....divorce after adultery.

Quinn has a very good point. Wait. Don't make life changing decisions too soon. Divorce is generally awful at best.

I made the decision to divorce only after adultery, refusal to get treatment for alcoholism, the onset of physical abuse 2 years after d-day, and after nearly 5 years of reconciliation attempts. We had 6 months of counseling.

However, in my case it may have been better if I'd made the decision earlier. Maybe I should have left that marriage right away. Perhaps there would have been less damage. Things got very bad and the affair came back again in about year 4.

Generally speaking, the advice 'out there' is--Do not make rash decisions when emotions are running at high.

It's a long hard road to not even wanting to check phone logs or having any emotions one way or another about finding old things.

Thank you everyone for your advice. However, I have lived with this man for 9 years and this is his 3rd woman. He also has had trouble with porn, phone sex, etc throughout the whole marriage. I just can't do it anymore. I want to be happy and I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. If I can't meet his every need then he runs off to something or someone else and I will fail. I will ALWAYS fail. The letters I read from her gave his the biggest ego trip I'm sure and I could never match up to what she has said to him. They spent MANY evenings together and many times he would leave our bed at 3:30am to go to work when in fact he was going to see her and as she put it in a letter "wake up in his arms early in the morning" It makes me sick and I just can't even look at him, let alone be married to him. He has not even called for counseling and has not gotten an STD test. I truly just don't think he wants us to even work out.

>>However, I have lived with this man for 9 years and this is his 3rd woman<<

... then you've already given it alot of thought. He's had his "second chance" to work things out with you (and then some). He's made it pretty clear where he stands. Obviously he doesn't "get it". Apologies (again) for the direct advice.

deleted

Jen,

If I were in your shoes I would be doing the samething...I would be getting a divorce. I know it is going to be hard on the kids, and that is one of my main reasons for me staying. But you have to do what you have to do.

Best wishes,
Carol~