On another thread, you wrote:

>>>>I'm a bit worried about him today, Friday is his birthday and he doesn't want to celebrate, saying that there is nothing to celebrate, he's not worth celebrating (maybe this part of the post should go under the "depression in men" thread), that all he's done is hurt people. I've got to work on this with him and unfortunately, we will be missing our MC appointment on Mon.<<<<

I'm very concerned about this part of what you wrote. You switched from talking about your own overuse of alcohol over to talking about your husband being depressed.

Please take this from the "for what it's worth" department.

There's one unhealthy dynamic that can creep into a marriage, and that is "overfunctioning/underfunctioning" emotionally. When one partner doesn't discuss or open up about feelings, the other partner tries to PRY things out or PUSH the underfunctioning partner to open up.

In my experience, this makes the stone wall thicker and higher...it has the opposite effect.

When you think about that, it makes perfect sense. Do you want to solve your own problems, or do you want someone else to step in and tell you what your problems are and how to deal with them? For most of us it's the former.

The short form of what I'm trying to say is...worry about your stuff, and let him worry about his. That's scary sometimes, but those whose marriages are healed tell us that it's absolutely necessary.

Chris.

I think I understand what you are thinking, but it's so difficult for me to see him not be excited about anything. This is the first time that he's actually not wanting to celebrate a birthday and not looking forward to hearing his kids sing to him. This, of course, was nothing that I really needed to pry out of him. He and I were talking while I was shopping for a couple extra things for his b-day and that's when he told me. I asked him why he felt that way and he said that at that time he really didn't want to discuss it because he really didn't want to get off the phone crying. So, he told me when he was on his lunch break. It nearly broke my heart.

See, when he and I talked earlier while I was shopping for his more b-day presents for him and that's how this came up. Then we were in a bit of a heated discussion because (I'm not sure if you've been following the whole story) the OW's best friend (whom he's stopped communicating with as well) came up to him to tell him that she had to break up with another guy that she was dating from their work (this brings her current total of men at one time down to about 5). My H said that he had to listen because he didn't want to be rude to her. I told him that he needed to break all communication off with them in order to help us. Then it got into the discussion of how I'm making it difficult for him to do his job, that he has to have contact with them in order to perform properly. I got pissed about this and had to end the conversation until I could talk to him more calmly. When I called back, I told him that any communication or even "gentle" eye contact and smiles will be taken by them to mean something totally different - hence the main reason why we are in this predicament. He agrees and sees my point. But I don't think that he fully sees my point. So, I brought up the switching places routine (that didn't work). Then I told him, that I understand when he has to assign a job to them or talk to them about something work related, but he should keep it at that, if they come up to start talking more personally, he needs to cut it off and get away. He started to protest some more, so I told him that he does not have conversations of that nature with every employee that works for him. Sure, he may have some personal conversations with some, but they are not trying to manipulate him or win his affections (either to begin with or get them back), not to mention that the other employees are not trying to get between us. As long as we are trying to work on our relationship this needs to happen and if it doesn't, then there's no point working on it, we are done. He feels that I'm being a bit pushy about this whole thing. I just don't know how else to tell him. We will be discussing this more tonight, but he really doesn't want to, he wants to talk about other things tonight since he's tired of them being our main topic of conversation for the past two to three days. I told him that I'm not the one who has involved them into our lives and we need to get everything out in the open instead of bottling it up as soon as possible in order to be able to move on. He's still hesitant.

As far as the drinking, he knows that I'm not abusing it and didn't get on me last night when I was drinking the one beer. I've made the promise to him that I would only have one when I REALLY needed to destress, much as he will come home some nights and have a beer. He just doesn't like it when I drink so much that I'm nearly drunk, and that happening two to three nights in a row (of which that only happened twice since the beginning of the year). I've never been one to drink a lot, but I have been known to have a glass of wine or two at least 4 nights a week when we have the wine, as well as if there is another favorite brand of alcohol around in the house. I just hadn't been one to drink much when the kids were first born until after they were a year old - makes me nervous for some reason, even if it's just one drink. I think probably because his brother and his wife used to drink a lot - I mean to the point that they were drunk and then drive their kids home even under our protests. So, we stopped having alcohol at our gatherings. Made them pissed. But that's one of my lessons learned through their experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my H and I have both learned a lesson from his brother and we both get a little wigged about it, but we know deep down that I'm okay in that respect.

We had a big talk again last night. We both agree that it gets tiresome talking two to three nights in a row about the same ole shit. But stuff comes up and it needs to be discussed. We discussed how he needs and I mean needs to stay away from her and her circle of friends. He started in on how that could mean pretty much everyone in the plant. I told him that he needed to use discretion. I'm not saying to isolate himself from everyone, but he has to isolate himself from those who could potentially be toxic to us. She and her closest friends have only been there a couple years. They do talk occasionally to others who have been there longer, and some of them have been there as long as my H (he's been there over 15 years). So, the old timers know his personality and know him pretty well. If she starts asking questions about him, they are going to wonder why and wonder about her before they wonder about my H. He's not as worried so much about it getting out, but it's still a scary thought. If she and her best friend could just leave him alone. But the discussing went better than those in the past and things are better today (not the greatest, but better). He has promised that if they come up to him today, he's pretty much going to lay it on the line without being a total bastard, but also has promised that if they continue, he will turn into that bastard. He just doesn't like confrontations and hurting people's feelings (of course this made me ask him why he could hurt mine and not theirs (hers), which he sat back and thought, then said that he knew what he needed to do). He agrees with everything I say and says that sometimes he can understand how I feel, its just that he wishes he could sympathize with me in order to fullly understand.