This ones for you! I do not know much about you except that we chatted one night when I was in a depressed and desperate mood. You suggested a book to me "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Let's just say either you are a very intelligent man, or a very manipulative one...maybe a bit of both, you sly fox. LOL! It seems that you must be a workaholic as well. Well, what I wanted to say was that it helped. No, not my H, but me
Thanks for the advice, Carol~
This message has been edited by pizzalady on Mar 7, 2007 3:05 PM
Thanks, I think. (When I read that book, I knew that I was not crazy...much like coming to these forums. "All these other men understand" was what I thought when I read it.)
I don't think I fit the "workaholic" description. I do not take my greatest pleasure(s) from work, nor do I escape into it to avoid things at home. But I do see the world from a small-business-owner's perspective; one of those views is that the business owns me and not vice-versa sometimes.
My greatest rewards are from parenting and from my voluntary activities in the various "communities" I'm part of, this one included.
Yes, Chris, it was a compliment, LOL. I understand when you say the business owns you, when it should be visa-versa. That is why my H feels so isolated and trapped. But he is a workaholic, just as you described, and sometimes he LETS the business own him so he does not have to face issues at home.
Anyway, the main reason I liked the book is because it expresses the views of men. At first it really turned me off, but I kept reading anyway. As a woman, I could only see things from a woman's point of view because it's not like my H would tell me any of those things. Like the book points out, men are simple creatures who do not express their feelings very well. I was already doing many of the right things in the book before I read it, but realized I was also guilty of doing some of the wrong things. That is where the book helped me out. The following paragraphs will explain why.
I don't know if you read my story on the MEMBERS board, but about 7 years ago we lost a baby and that seems to be where things started to go wrong. I did not realize men and women grieve differently back then, but I know that now. I did not realize that the loss of the baby hurt my H as much as it did then and he had "feelings" about it, but I know that now. I took much of my anger out on the pizzeria and developed a bad attitude towards it. BIG MISTAKE!!! I didn't know that then, but I know it now. The angrier I was at his/our "bread and butter" a.k.a. the pizzeria, the more he retreated. I blamed the pizzeria for him not being able to be there for me. Plus, the pizzeria was handed to us and not what we chose to do with our lives, so I resented it even more. We were not working as a team anymore. This caused both of us to feel isolated. I stayed home and took care of the kids and the house, and he took care of the pizzeria. I helped out when he needed me there but I hated it. I couldnt wait for things to slow down and rush out the door. H couldn't do that, he HAD to be there no matter what. This made him very resentful towards me.
Since reading most of the book (I still have a few chapters left to go)I have tried to change my attitude towards the pizzeria. Instead of concentrating on all the negative things that have come from it I am trying to look at all the positive things it has brought into our lives. H has seen my change in attitude and it has made things between us a little better. I know it will take time for things to completely change but I am really trying. I think if my H sees me trying to undertsand his point of view maybe he will begin to undertsand mine better too. H even told the MC yesterday that he feels we are now working more as a team and that we now share more of the same goals. Before, I thought we were sharing the same goals and I thought we were working as a team but we were not. That is very important in a marriage, and I had no idea! I see in the long run a change in attitude towards the pizzeria will make me feel better about the business, which will make my H feel better about me, and we will both feel better about our marriage.
Carol, I made a suggestion. You actually had to try something different. If it's working, it's not because someone made the suggestion...it's because you did it!
