What do I do when I'm reading a section out of After the Affair to my H (since he has trouble sitting down and reading by himself), and he disagrees with it, yet I feel that it's correct?
I was reading the lead-up to high-cost behaviors in trying to explain to him why it is that I just can't "stop it" and why I really need him to not have any contact, even light or casual, with her and her friends. He could see and understand the part about how I feel, but he totally disagreed with the part describing how he felt/feels as far as feeling "cleansed, relieved, desireable, etc", although he does agree that he just wants to move on, he said that he feels shitty and horrible about the whole thing and that he does just want it to go away, but he understands that I can't do that just yet. He doesn't like the thought that this may take years to get over yet he understands that I just can't hop back on the band wagon and continue on as if nothing has happened. It's so confusing to me. He says that just because something is written in a book, it doesn't apply to everyone (I can see his point), and that I shouldn't take this book as "law" when it comes to us. He says that he feels differently than that section described him. I told him that she's done a lot of research on this subject and has been in practice for years, she's just compiling examples according to what she's seen. Yet he's still defensive. Is this normal???
Just a quick response here since I'm my way out, so off the top of my head:
Communication is the key so I would ask him what he disagrees with and WHY. Ask him to explain the difference Jid. Maybe explain to him you understand books aren't "laws" but general guildlines, afterall everyone's situation is different. Perhaps you don't know what else to do given the lack of any answer from him? You are searching for answers on your own??? Hopefully that will get him to open up to you.
If he doesn't answer to that again..I would ask why he couldn't/didn't answer. He might need time to digest what happened and why too.
It is normal that your H wants you to just "sweep it under the rug" as they say. Because that way he won't have to feel "shitty" any more about what he has done. That is NOT true remorse. That's just him wanting to feel better about himself which is very selfish. He MUST understand that you NEED to go through stages and emotions to get through this horrible betrayel. Are you going to counseling together?
It is very painful and difficult to deal with. Counseling can help. It was over four years ago now for me, and it still troubles me. What is even more difficult is that I continue to have feelings of wanting revenge on some level. How do you cope?