I'm new to all of this. But this board has been a big source of comfort to me. I looked for days online until I came upon this site. All of your stories are so different but our pain is the same... we who have been betrayed. Each and very one of the posts I read, I could relate with some part of it although we are in different places in our relationships and discovery. I shared this site with my H tonight and he read the posts and we talked about the experiences. He was truly floored with so many other people expressing the same feelings as I and gettingthere's story was so like his. We found out that the feelings we're having are shared by many. It's giving us hope. In this terrible time in my life with the pain so intense, I thank God for you all. I'm just sorry that you have to be here at all.
Sometimes people seem to wonder why people like me don't "move on", but instead keep reading and posting here.
Well, it's because people who went through this a long time ago were around to help and guide me when I needed it.
Thank you for coming, and thank you for the kind words. It sounds as if you have some encouraging signs from your H. A willingness to read here is a very good sign that he's ready to take responsibility for his actions and their consequences.
"He was truly floored with so many other people expressing the same feelings as I and gettingthere's story was so like his."
Yep O. That was one of the most astounding things for me to realize as well. I saw so many 'patterns' after reading, posting, and running affair recovery forums for the last 6 years.
Another amazing thing about it is that most people living through this would never have believed how profound, horrible, and life-altering it is.
Marriages do not survive this----easily. They may make it for a few years, only to erode into divorce.
It takes two committed people, and even then it's a long-term challenge.
GT is our resident wise woman on the matters of BIG boo boo healing work. She seems to now have hawk eyes for spying philandering hoo ha miles away.
<<Another amazing thing about it is that most people living through this would never have believed how profound, horrible, and life-altering it is.>>
Isn't that the truth! Before H's A, I always felt badly for people if I heard about infidelity, but I NEVER could have imagined how completely DEVASTATING it is...I never realized how much it damages you as a person and how long it takes to start to recover...
On the flip side, I do believe the FWS don't realize these things either when they start an A...
>>>>>>>Marriage after an affair is no different from an every-day, affair-free marriage? >>>>>>>
No, it is not the same...far from it...the dynamics change - the assumptions, the 'taken/taking for granted stuff', have to disappear from the every day behaviors. The communications channels have switched. They are wide open - after a traumatic, catatrophic event such as an affair, and if 2 people want to 'work it out', are committed to working it out, it is almost an everyday decision. It is a hard working relationship which at time can fluctuate, which needs to fluctuate. The 'for ever' is no longer - it becomes - in our case - more like 2 people, of equal value, equal importance, living together, sharing a life together. The differences as well as the similarities are valued the same and given the same respect. The "giving the space to be the way they are and the way they are not" is of the utmost importance. It is HARD WORK...and we are still learning to be inter-dependent, not dependent upon each other.
The problem is...if we all waited until we were mature enough to have a marriage like Kat describes...there would never be any more children.
Life-altering changes like children leaving home, death, affairs, divorce, protracted unemployment, bankruptcy, etc...THOSE are the things that can produce the kind of maturity Kat writes about. Of course life and marriage change afterward. In successful marriages, they change for the better.
So there is no going back to that way of thinking pre A? I understand it's for the best, but is it normal for me to grief for that?? I loved to think we were special, that we had the marriage everybody wanted... I was such a fool.
"is it normal for me to grief for that?? I loved to think we were special, that we had the marriage everybody wanted"
O,
You were not allowed to perceive your marriage correctly. It's not your fault, but it certainly was your right. That change in reality is in itself a death of sorts, and cause for great grief.
If you are grieving, it is normal. Just the fact that this is what you're feeling is the answer. Yes, it's normal.
