You said "I have never told anyone this whole story before but here I go. I met my husband at work. I had worked there for a while and I remember the first day I met him. I thought he was a complete jerk. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart, and I was only 18. He was 23. He started spending his days talking to me and I was so flattered. He was tattooed and he had spent a few years in the army. I became completely enamored by him. After a while he told me he was married, but that it was just something he did for economic reasons while they were in the army, He said that she had a boyfriend and they were just roommates. He would divorce as soon as they had the money. I fell for it all. I was a little catholic school girl who had never really been lied to before. Later he convinced me tha I could not marry the only man I had ever slept with. He convinced me that just once I needed to sleep with him just so I wouldn't feel like I had missed out on the experience of another man. For some reason this began to make sense, so I slept with him. I got really attatched after that and dumped my fiance because I thought he was holding me down. I had found a man who was exciting and wild, but sweet to me. One day my now husband came over crying and said his grandma had died. I found out later that was the day his wife had left him because she had found out about me. After I met his sister we became friends and one night I spent the night with her. She told me everything. How he and his wife actually met after he got out of the army. They had gotton married and had still been a couple when we met. His grandma had never even died. She's still alive 8 years later. But by the time I had found this out I was already in love with him. As soon as we officially became a couple he started treating me differently. No more romance. I had lost so much to be with him though I couldn't give up. We had a baby about a year and a half after we met. When she was six weeks old I found out he was sleeping with a waitress at the restaurant he worked at. We were moving and he would say he was going to sleep at our old house by his work cause he had to work late, but he didn't, he stayed with her. One day I was washing his pants and I found a love letter. It told me everything they had done. He told me he was a bad person and I should hit him in the face, So I did, a few times. He said he would never do it again and he loved me. Weeks later I parked outside his work when it was closing and watched them follow each other to a gas station to meet. When I puuled up she left and he said nothing was going on. I stayed and she faded out of the picture. Finally. But there were other girls along the way, just none I could prove he had actually slept with. So he just told me he liked to flirt. Until last year. He told me he had to go out of town on business. Things sounded fishy, so I read his email and sure enough there was a girl from the same town he was flying to and they were telling eachother they loved one another. At that point I told him why dont we just see other people. I said he was going to do it anyway. To my surprise he said okay. He went on that trip and slept with her. I thought it would hurt less if I wasn't being lied to, but I was wrong. Am I the only person who has had that stupid thought? I emailed her and told her all about the family he had at home. We now had 2 kids. She spent 2 more weekends with him anyway. She eventually got pregnant by her ex husband and dumped my husband. He was devastated. He was fine with our marriage falling apart, but devastated about her leaving him. That hurt worse. So then he said he was stupid and he didn't want to lose his family and that I was who he should be with. I said okay but I could never go through it again. If so we were through. Since he has continued to exchange cyber sex emails with girls on the internet nut I just ignored them thinking well they are not really a relationship so oh well. But he started a new job 2 weeks ago and by day 3 he had started trading emails with another girl. He sees her everyday yet he gets up early to email her and stays up late to chat. She is married too, but he still told her we were seperated. I confronted him about it 5 days ago. I told him I was done. We live in a house my dad owns and I am finishing college. I told him how I couldnt afford to finish college and he couldn't afford to move out so we might as well just be roommates (thats what he usually tells girls anyway). I am trying to act like I can do this but I'm dying inside. I can't focus, I can't connect with my kids. I feel like I am on auto pilot. All I can think about is what he is doing with her. I know by his emails they havent slept together, but not for his lack of trying. They stay after work everyday to make out. This man is 31 years old. What is wrong with him. I thought I was making a family here, it was my only focus in life, yet he has no problems letting it all go. he says fine we'll just be roommates till you're out of school, but he says it like I'm the bad guy. He seems to have no remorse. He just says 'look there's something wrong with me and I don't know how to stop it sorry'. I hurt all the time and I don't know what to do. I have had 2 kids, my body is shot to hell. No one will ever want me again. I will grow old alone, instead of with the father of my children like I had planned. I am so lonely. The funny thing is he tells me 'this is just as hard on me'. Yeah thats why he is out with her right now getting tattoos while I'm here balling my eyes out. Yeah he's got it just as bad. "



I took the liberty of transferring this here instead of members so that I could respond to it.

You have been through so much and I know you feel like you are worth nothing right now. Let me tell you that I too have been there and can tell you that it will get better and you are worthy of so much more.

First, there are tons of woman who are in their 30's and seperated with children so if you fear being alone for the rest of your life "because your body is shot to hell" think again. I assure you that as a person who is in their 30's and overweight, I don't really want a man who can only look at my body, its what is inside that counts!

Second I have a question.....would you rather be alone and happy or in a bad marriage and unhappy? (really, what is worse). We should never define ourselves by the relationship we are in. We are each our own individuals. That was hard for me as I lived my life vicariously through my husband until he left. It can be done, and we can be happy.

Find all the books you can to read and find a good counsellor because you need somebody to help you work through some of this. We are here to support you along the way.

Start focusing on you, yourself and your kids. Forget about him and what matters to him. Get plenty of sleep, exercise daily and eat right. You will feel better by keeping to this. If you find you can't eat meals then have snacks throughout the day (carrots, toast, fruit, nuts). We have a joke about the affair diet around here. Seems to have worked for all of us at some point or another, but it is far from healthy.

We are here to offer support and encouragement and we have all been in variations of your situation. Please post often, it truly does help.

Kid

I have to agree with Kid. Before my current H, I was married to a real jerk. Sure, it started out great, met in college, he had been "dating" someone from his hometown in Maryland, then when we started dating, he supposedly broke it off, but I found out later that it continued for at least 2 more months until he figured out what he wanted. That should have been my first clue. I was 18, almost 19 and had the chance to get back together with my high school sweetheart, with whom up until I met my current H, I honestly believe would have been a great marriage. But this guy was exciting, different, and "worldly?" I wanted to give it a try. I did everything he encouraged me to do. I must admit that some of it has helped me to improve on my personal self (probably those little "life lessons" on what not to do in the future), but I still, after all I've been through with him, do not regret it. I moved to Maryland to be closer to him after college, I had no family in the area, closest family is 6 hrs away. I was all alone here. I discovered that I made friends easy and that I could really support my own personal self. I could move anywhere in the world and feel completely self-sufficient (that's my most important lesson).

After finding out about his last affair, I confronted him and told him we were through. He begged (and I mean begged - even did the scene from "Say Anything" although I wasn't home at the time - my neighbor told me all about it!) So, we "tried" one more time. He proposed 2 months later. Before saying "yes" I asked him if he totally understood what this meant. He said that he did. Well. After the wedding and buying a new house, we settled in. And settled back to the old stuff. Him flirting and going out a lot and even going away. My friends and I counted that one year he was gone 45 weekends out of the year. Not much time for me.

He also slowly began abusing me. I have been abused everyway immaginable. Tied up, Colt .45 in places that I will not mention, bowie knives, scissors, you name it, he's used it (never drew blood though), beaten with a flashlight for talking to my mom for 5 min on the phone, beaten about the head and ear for laughing at him with 17 other people around doing the same because he did something funny while drunk on night. That's just the physical stuff. The mental was just as bad. "Sleeping With The Enemy" brings back too many memories - canned food had to be just right in the cubboard, towels, oh, and broken glass, don't ever break a glass, that's just about as bad as the .45. We were together for 8 years, 5 months and 19 days.

I met my current H when I was working on getting out of the house. We became friends and then it went on to something more wonderful. I was 27 when I met him. I thought that I was too old to ever think about getting married again, let alone have kids. Well, it's been 10 years with him, 3 kids, and my high school classmates who have seen me most recently said that I haven't changed a bit since school. Although if the saw me around Christmas, they would have said that I had put on weight.

The affair diet started Jan 1. Today is a good day for me. I don't regret working it out with my H, not even on the bad days. He's a really great guy who had some issues because of some major stress relating from his jobs and the holidays and we were not connecting and communicating like we are so use to doing. He slipped for a week and a half and even though there was no sex, there was kissing. This girl had been throwing herself at him for 2 years, of course I can see the breakdowns. He is profusely sorry for what he has done and has been doing everything he can to make it all up to me and prove to me that he will never do this again. This I can believe because he's that type of a personality that once something hurts him, either by his action or someone elses, he will never let it happen again, it is engrained in him forever.

What I'm trying to say is that you can do it on your own, basically you have already, taking care of the kids, your self, your home. You are stronger than you think. You can already stand on your own 2 feet. If your dad owns the house, then you and the kids are already taken care of. Don't worry about how he will find a way to live, maybe that's a lesson that he needs to learn - how to live on his own. If he's not man enough to stand up and do what it takes to take care of his responsibilities, then there may be someone else out there for you. You are young enough. Hell, my mom is almost 60, my dad died 13 years ago, and she still has guys after her - she has only gone out on 1 date all that time - she's a bit particular, but happy to be on her own.

If he is not the one for you, and you find someone else who is absolutely perfect. Please understand, like I found out, there is no absolutely perfect. There will be trials. And these trials are a lesson to both of you on how strong your marriage really is. I don't regret what my current H did. Logically I can see the pattern and the fall, but he came back, she even verified this in a note to him. He never wanted her and told her that. He was insecure about himself and his job. He had very low self-esteem and she did something that I couldn't at the time, make him laugh. That was the basis of the whole week and a half. She kissed him and it brought his ego up a bit, but then it hit bottom hard again and he realized what he did and got out of it. He tried to hide it, but I found the notes. Now we are building again and I am truly hopeful.

Just don't give up on yourself. The grass is greener...

<< hurt all the time and I don't know what to do. I have had 2 kids, my body is shot to hell. No one will ever want me again. I will grow old alone, instead of with the father of my children like I had planned>>

Girl, it is never too late!!!!! I was 42 and a size 18 when I gave H the word that I was not going to live like that anymore...Now I am 43 and a size 4...I also have 3 kids and a big old c-section scar right down the front of my stomach...but I reached the point where I just realized that I only had one life to live and I was not going to spend it sitting home crying while he was out playing with her...I told him I loved him with all my heart and it would hurt like hell for a long time if our marriage broke up, but that would be better than living like that...I went as far as looking for a place to move to, etc...I was ready to go if he did not end it, get counseling, etc...After months of me accusing and him denying, I was ready to go THAT day, and he knew it...I am glad that this woke him up and he went to work to change and save our marriage, but the reality is that I was ready to be alone for a while, even if it hurt..I figured if we split, I would have to watch him move in with her and I had prepared myself for that...but at that point, I just knew that I deserved more out of life than to be home crying while he was with another woman...no, thank you! I would rather be alone and take a chance on meeting someone who really love me the way that I loved them...I put my faith in God that day, and was ready to trust that He would not leave me alone for the rest of my life if I had to leave my marriage...

The good news is that it has been a year and our marriage is recovering...Also, I have lost all that weight and look younger than I have in years....H is aware of other men looking at me now...He knows and I know that I am not desperate to be with him...He also knows that I am the complete package - besides being a "size 4" (which isn't really that important anyway), I am a fun, commited, respectable, intelligent person with a lot to offer...Someone else would eventually want me if he doesn't....And someone else would want you if your H can't handle being married....which is really what this is about...Hopefully, you H can get it together and get to what is important in life, but if not there is a whole big world out there for you!!! Don't feel like there is something wrong with you because of your H's shortcomings!