Last night, the anniversary of the end, I forced myself to go out...very difficult to be in the same places where X and I have danced a thousand dances. But, an old friend was there and he "rescued" me by dancing my feet off. Even though I had big doses of sadness, I couldn't dwell on them because I was dancing so much. It felt good to walk into the club and be with a nice guy. People seemed so happy for me...I think it speaks to the fact that other people often know more than the betrayed about X behavior. Anyway, I held my head up, had fun, and ate two donuts on the way home. Luckily, I did not bump into X. I know it will happen but glad it wasn't last night.
Ironically, the friend who had been contacted by X for a date (when I was traveling out of state in March) was at our table and we had a discussion about why he would contact her, knowing she was my friend. It mystifies me...did he want to be discovered or what? It hurts as well, knowing he would do that. But there's power in knowing he will never do it to me again.
Judy,
Once again I understand where you are at. I am still very much 'taking back' my life and going to places and doing things that I would do or had done with my STBXH. It is all so much about, 'taking it back', re defining the memories and stamping a new feel onto the old.
It is not just the things that were special that we shared. In the first few days and weeks after he left, it could be something as simple as walking into the supermarket and smelling the fresh baked bread, it would trigger the times I would buy that bread and go make us lunch to eat together. The tears would be there in an instant, I was very good at allowing myself to feel so wretched. I would have to leave the store empty handed. I must have looked a pathetic sight, trudging along the road back home, head down and tears flowing.
Then there were the times (still are the odd ones) when he would drive past me on the street, (sometimes with her sat alongside him,) and would ignore me, looking right through me as if he had never known me at all. It hurt like I can't describe, but very quickly I realised I had two ways to proceed with this. I could continue to give him the power and shrink away, or I could take it all back, and reclaim me, my life, my self esteem, my whatever. When I thought about it in those terms it was an easy choice to make but so much harder to act out.
Last week, STBXH was poised to drive past me once again, I decided enough was enough, OW was sat right up there alongside him, so I stepped out into the road in their path and smiled a beaming smile and waved right in there faces. I was shaking and felt like I should vomit but I did it and the look of sheer horror on their faces was priceless.
Judy, it seems to me you are taking the right steps, making the right moves, holding your head up. It is not easy but it gets easier.
Oh JeanUK! My co-workers are now wondering why I am laughing out loud! And would someone please hand me a paper towel to dry the tea off my computer screen?