"Here is the explanation you have been seeking yet unable to find.

First of all, to set the record straight, your husband found me - not
the other way around. He placed an ad on a dating site (American
Singles) and contacted me through that site. He told me he was
divorced (and had been for over a year) with two children. We began
dating in May, 2003. He attended many family functions with me. We
spent many weekends together, both at my place and at nice hotels,
such as Le Meridian. By July, 2003, he was telling me he wanted to
marry me.

I did not discover that he is still married to you until January,
2004. It was shortly after that time that you sent me an email - it
was then that I discovered he had three children, not two. We broke up
briefly around that time, but were back together by February. (Even
though he had moved to St. Louis with you and the children.) We
discussed things, and agreed upon a one year timeline. Meaning that by
early 2005, you and he would no longer be together, and he would be
with me at that time. In early June, he broke up with me - only to
wind up getting back together with me the next day.

On a side note: When he broke up with me in early June, he was very
distraught. I don't know whether or not he came home in
tears that night and whether or not he drank. If he did, now you know
the real reason for his being so incredibly upset.

He has been telling me since the very beginning of our relationship
that I am unlike anyone he has ever known. That he loves me; is in
love with me. That I understand him like no one has ever understood
him before. That he is happiest when he is with me.

There are days I can see the truth in this, but most days I know it is a
lie.

Ever since I found out (through his former coworker, (name)) that he is still
married, he's been telling me how he is going to leave you. First it was a
one year timeline, then another. I was in love. I believed him. Every word.

In July, 2004, I drove with him (in my Mustang) to St. Louis to pack up the
rest of your house and help him move them back to Minnesota. You didn't
really think he loaded that great big truck all by himself, did you?

We've been seeing each other ever since. Until today, when I finally left
him. The last time we were together was April 22, 2005. It was a Friday. You
thought he was at work. He was here, with me, as he has been dozens of times
since you moved back to Minnesota.

I just wanted you to know - you can sort of relax now, because I'm out of
the picture for good. I wouldn't get too comfortable though - I have every
reason to believe he's seeing someone else, and has been for several months
now. Don't feel bad, apparently neither of us is enough for him.

You can say whatever you like about me, but know this: you don't know me and
you don't know shit abut my life, my situation, or the incredible lies your
husband told me."

(HER NAME)


The awful thing is, this was a total lie, as when my husband's Internet device was going off all weekend when we were at a family wedding, I opened it and found more messages from her. What do I do? Leave him? Go to counseling, I am questioning whether he can be helped. I thought his affair went on for six months at most, not two years? She touched my things, I am so upset, yet do not want to tell anyone in my family. We have four small children and I am in law school with no income. Please help me someone, I cannot take much more of this, I am miserable. E

Gawd, I can't believe I am going to say this but here's what I would do...

Finish your education and THEN leave him. Ughh, okay I did it. LOL

I would never give someone that sort of advice but gosh your hubby is a serial offender as mine was. He's been lying to you for what seems like forever as mine was. I have a special needs child and that made it a difficult decision to get out of our marriage but I stuck to my guns and told him if he didn't get therapy for his addictions (sexual or whatever) that we were through, he decided he didn't have a problem. I have been going to school and have worked it out that my ex had to help me out for 7 years so I can finish my schooling and if your H makes enough money than perhaps that is a possibility for you too. If you have gone without income long enough and he makes enough, you will probably be able to finish by getting spousal and child support, if not it may be in your best interests to stay until you finish but protecting yourself from any diseases. It doesn't seem that your H is getting it at all and he didn't just have one affair he is a philanderer. I say if you can't finish school any other way, USE HIM and then leave.

Okay, everyone can beat me up over this pitiful advice. LOL

Charlie

Charlie-

Your advice isn't necessarily pitiful.

Sad- Only you know how much pain you can live with. Sounds like both your H and the OW are stuck in La La land. It's impossible to make progress in healing yourself or the marriage when betrayers are stuck in that cotton-candy, sickening place.

You say you're in law school. Do some research on separation/divorce laws in your state.
Gather evidence. When the time comes you will make the right decision based on what you know, whether your husband is repentant or not.

At this point, trust yourself. I have faith you will know what to do. Try and stay strong and survive.

Your #1 priority is YOU.

Take care of yourself in every way possible.

TLMM

First thing I'd do is show him the email. I wouldn't say a damn word upfront and tip my hand. I'd say I've got something I want you to read and watch his reaction. Trust your gut.


MM is right. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't.

I'm sorry you had to find us. Welcome.

Tex


Edited: typos

Has anyone moved away from the OW/OM to a different state and the distance helped solve things? My husband has a job opportunity far out West and I was wondering if he takes it if that will help separate him for her in the Midwest? Maybe I am just fooling myself. It is so stupid, she will not let him go, yet he is not exactly giving her the cold shoulder either. E

Sad-

If your H is a serial philanderer, it doesn't matter where you live, he'll be the same person out west as he is in the east. If there is distance between your H and the OW it will make it harder for them to have physical contact, but emotional contact via the internet can be maintained.

Your H needs a wake-up call regarding the marriage.

I really feel for you with those four young children, you need to look at all your options concerning raising them.

Best Wishes,

TLMM

Sad wrote:

<<

Has anyone moved away from the OW/OM to a different state and the distance helped solve things? My husband has a job opportunity far out West and I was wondering if he takes it if that will help separate him for her in the Midwest? Maybe I am just fooling myself.>>

TLMM is right...If your husband is a serial cheater and has not taken steps to change it probably will happen again no matter where you live...

In our case, we did move to another state and it has helped in some ways...It is nice to know that she is no where around to tempt him if he has a weak moment...even if she needs emotional support and comes crying to him which is how she sucked him in in the first place...So, yes it has helped...However, we still have issues to work through...Moving did not solve everything, but it helped a lot...But remember in our case, this was his only affair and he sought help to make sure it never happens again...

Regarding the possibility of another "OW", that may or may not make him a serial philanderer...In my H's case, when he was seeing OW, he did try to start something with a third woman...he was way out there at the time...This third woman seemed like way more fun than OW, and he would have ditched OW for her..He already felt like a piece of crap about what he had done to our marriage and saw yet another exciting escape from reality...However, since making the commitment to work on our marriage 15 months ago he has not done anything to be involved with any other woman...

However, since this was all an one-shot deal out of our 17 year relationship, I chose to give him the chance to work on it and change...This may not be the best decision for everyone...Also regarding moving, we had no roots in the place we were living so we were not giving up much by moving...You have to decide if you are giving up more than you would be gaining by making a move...