Signs of remorse? My own opinion is that if you don't feel they are remorseful, then they're probably not. Don't know what the others here think. Lets ask them, shall we?
Oy you lot! What do you think?

You didn't nab it. I was still following. No worries.

I think we would LIKE them to be remorseful.

Some people don't know much about remorse: narcissists, mysoginists for example.

To me, remorse means you are responsible for some wrong, that's why some betrayers always want the betrayed to be to blame.

Signs of remorse mean apology, changes in behavior, saying I love you, listening to you, being there for you, understanding your viewpoint, being willing to go to counseling, stop drinking, accounting for time without being angry, respecting you in words, deeds and behavior. Oh, did I mention flowers? lots of flowers. HUGE bouquets of flowers, and half page ads in the newspaper with my name and "I love you" and their photo and full name. Maybe in several newspapers, come to think of it.

Of course, we have to change how we look at things too....

Judy

My exh exhibited absolutely no signs of remorse. This was a real problem for me, though he didn't understand my difficulty with his lack of remorse. The reason for that was that he didn't think he did anything wrong...most of his affairs...I think...were EA's. So, what's the problem? What's the worry? He apologized to me once for lieing to me and deceiving me, but not for anything else...then continued to lie to and deceive me. No accountability, no responsibility, no remorse at all, and no change in behavior either. I was the one with the problem because I wouldn't just move on and forget about it all. You know, just leave him alone.

This has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with in this aspect of my recovery. I've said before that I wanted to be heard by him, that I wanted him to validate me/my feelings...and not just say, "get over it...it's not what you think...it's all in your head...I haven't done anything wrong." Being blamed for someone else's behavior...well, I certainly recreated a wonderful homelife with that one!!! And I did take it on for a good number of years. I hope that's something that I've improved upon of late, but cripes...I'm finding just when I think I understand/know something, I realize how much I really don't understand/know.

Cindy

haha, i have decided to say that instead of my two cents worth because sometimes i feel like i am on a soap boax hahaha

how do people show remorse, maybe your question could be how did WE see remorse.

i often see people say their partners dont feel remorse because they dont think they did anything wrong. therefore an admission of wrongness seems to be way we see remorse.

my H probably wouldnt say he did anything wrong because a) it was an EA b) he is thick haha BUT he does admit that he shouldnt go there again.

he has shown me his remorse in the ways HE can, he has apologised, stated he loves me, only me and no one else. but he cant say the words it was wrong, because of a) and b) haha. as much as it hurts me, he cant deny his feelings for her at that time, they were real, good, positive etc or rather that is how that time made him feel. he cant deny that for himself, and i wouldnt want him to. so if i thought he could show remorse by saying it was wrong, then it would never happen and we would never move on.

what i learnt was there is a difference between how a person shows remorse and how we recieve it.

and pulling up the soapbox now, i retell the chocolates and flowers story. if for him showing remorse was to bring me flowers, but for me to receive or believe his remorse was to get chocolates, then neither of us would be happy, satisfied, resolved etc.

we both had jobs to do here, he had to learn what i thought i needed to see and he needed to learn to show that to me where he could.

i also had to learn what were the greatest signs of remorse for him to show me and understand them as that.

in other words, there was no point me waiting for chocolates, i had to tell him i wanted them, and i also needed to understand that the most significant way for him to show me how he felt, was to bring me flowers, therefore i had to accept them gracefully for what they meant for what they meant for him to give to me. (even if i couldnt bloody eat them haha)

anyway i hope this makes sense, i guess what i am saying is, if your partner doesnt seem remorseful, is it because a) they arent or b) they are showing you their remorse in ways that dont mean remorse to you or c) they dont know what you need to see as YOUR demonstration of remorse and have you told them what would be.

if you have told them what you need and they refuse to provide, rather than dont know how to, that is a different thing.

off the box and back out to read more posts

cheers
kath thank god its friday!!!

Judy:

How I wish my H could "know" the signs of remorse like you/I do....I so agree with what you said. I guess everyone's opinion of showing remorse is very different. I truly feel my H is remorseful..but he is so impatient with me. Whenever I need to talk or ask one of those "dreaded questions" concerning the A, he becomes instantly defensive. "HERE WE GO"....is his favorite phrase. Or "I guess this is gonna make the rest of the day pure Hell, huh?" He says he hates to talk about it because it's not something he's "proud of" & that he knows "what kinda mood you're gonna be in afterwards". Well, I NEED to talk about it...he acts as though if he just ignores the whole thing it will just go away. It's true...whenever we talk, 95% of the time it ends in a horrible, horrible argument. More hurt, more pain, more anger, more misery. He's drinking almost as much now as he was during the A. He gets SO emotional drinking...he yells at me & makes me feel less than human. The argument always turns & twists so that I am "the bad guy". I feel as though I'm the one made to bear the burden of his mistakes. He says he can't talk to me when I'm filled with anger...I agree. I can't see past the rage to discuss things sensibly....I know I'm too emotion driven. He's right. Well, I can't talk to him when he's drinking...it empowers him to say (YELL) everything on his mind...clear his guilty conscience....things he feels he can't say to me when he's not drinking. We got into a huge fight last nite, and it ended once again with me crying & hurt so bad I could hardly swallow. I slept alone...once again. He chose to sleep on the couch...once again. We've hardly spoken a dozen words to each other all day today. Another day of 8 steps back...none forward...once again. Back to square one...again. I'm so tired of the pain...it's just about to the point of being unbearable. I long to be happy again, like I know you all do. Maybe someday I will feel happy again....haven't been really happy in over a year now. Just feel like I'm living in limbo waiting around for the next fight...the next day of misery. Sorry to ramble...I feel so low tonite...definitely one of those "downs" after 3 really good days of "ups". The Affair Rollercoaster of Emotions....up, down, up, down. It makes me so nauseous. Sickening. More diarrhea, stomach tore all to Hell....once again. Thanks once again, my CyberTherapy Group, for just "being there". So sorry to depress y'all with my sour mood, but I know you all know those low points. Hugs to each of you & best of luck with all your own issues. Thanks for letting me "unload". Have a good weekend, guys.

Leah

I know exactly what you are going through...it is hell, hell, hell. Trust that you will know what you need to do to keep yourself healthy. Go to a quiet spot and meditate on finding some peace. The answers will come, but not in the midst of such intensity.

I only know that women (can only speak for women, since I am one) have a very developed sense of intiution. Mine does not leave me alone. My X tried all the things you mention....always deflecting the questions and concerns. Like telling a kid they don't have a stomach ache....and in a few minutes they throw up in the car.

I have been through brainwashing in my marriage, so I reconized it very quickly in this relationship. My X would often say, playfully, "you are crazy." I finally said to him, "I am not crazy and please stop saying that to me." It was his way to make me feel that way, second guess myself....Cause me to question, for him to control my emotions. Horrible stuff.

We KNOW. We don't always want to acknowledge our knowing because of circumstance, dependency, fear, questioning our own sanity, etc. etc. It's why so many women fight with Dr.'s about their child being ill. We KNOW. But when it comes to love, some kind of switch gets turned off or dimmed. And the other part is that we don't want to believe someone could be nasty to us, or could violate our trust. We are good people and would not cause hurt intentionally, consequently it is almost impossible to believe someone would lie to us over and over. It is often easier to believe we are crazy.

I don't know all the particulars of your situation, beyond painful, but it sounds like you just want resolution, to know you are loved, and to move forward peacefully.

I send good energy to you and strength to move forward to a healthier you. Thanks for being such a good support here with your honesty and quest for a better life.

Judy

<<<<I don't know all the particulars of your situation, beyond painful, but it sounds like you just want resolution, to know you are loved, and to move forward peacefully.>>>>>


My dear Judy:

I could not possibly have said it better myself....you took my thoughts from my head & my feelings from my broken heart. I thank you deeply for your care & reply....more than you know, my friend.

God Bless all of you wonderful people...I honestly get more strength & encouragement here than anywhere else. You folks on this forum help me realize that maybe under all my anger, hurt, and resentment that I DO still have a heart. Although I've felt so cold recently, you guys make me warm again. Thank you.

With tears,
Leah

You're welcome, I appreciate your kind words.
Judy