Hi. Sorry I thought i had posted this before i posted my software question-sorry

This is a first for me. But not the first time I've found out about the infidelity of my wife. About a year ago I suspected my wife of online dating and online sex with other men. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to the online chatting but that was it. During this time, she was hanging around with guy friend and when I asked where she was going, she said they were just hanging around together. Well, about a month passed when I couldn't take it anymore and since I could not get a straight answer from her (and my gut feeling), I installed a spy software in her computer and occasionally tape recorded our phone. I really felt disgusted with myself for doing it but I had to. So I found out through her computer and the phone that she had been having online sex and phone sex and had gone on dates. Although she had always come home during those nights that she dated other men, she had slept over her guy friend’s house quite a number of times. Finally, in one of her phone conversations with an online relationship (and she had gone on a date once already) with a guy from out of town, they decided to meet in our house during the day. I pretended to go to work but came back home and went to our basement and waited for the guy to arrive. Once he did, I could hear everything that went on upstairs and just as it sound like they were about to take their clothes off, I went upstairs and confronted them. My wife denied they were about to “do it” and after I kicked the guy out.
Back then, I couldn't completely blame her because I admit that I was an emotional void due to career setbacks and tying to finally finish college. We are both in out thirties and she was also in graduate school and in a demanding professional career. but aside from that we both promised to work things out and she sought the help of her therapist (who she was already seeing for her anxiety). During the past year our relationship had gotten better and we had gotten closer.
A few months ago, my wife finished her graduate studies and began a gym membership and sought the help of a personal trainer (I also work out but her schedule is more flexible than mine so most times, we can’t work out together). After a few weeks training, my wife said that she really got along with her trainer. She went to the gym and also started having her 19 yrold niece go to the gym with her and hanging out. She also had a few other friends of hers (whom I knew but not very well) enlist in the gym. Then they (including the trainer) started to go to the movies, bowling, etc. together without me and when I asked my wife why she never asked or why I could not be a part, her reason was that she needed friends of her own and that she was trying to find herself in the midst of the hectic last few years. A few weeks ago, her and her niece went to a couple of pool parties (of which I was not invited) at the apartment complex of her trainer’s friend which is about 45 min away- and ended up staying the night.
I finally confronted her about how all this was making me feel and she said she was confused about who she was anymore and that if I could give her some space to sort things through her mind. So I went to my parents for a weekend (they live a few states away. And when I came back, we had a long talk about how we both still loved one another and want to work things out – I even accepted her proposal that I see a therapist on my own too to confront my communication “issues”.
Just this past week, on a wed, she called me at work and we talked and she said she was still not comfortable about who she was, etc..and needed some space and that we should reflect on what we want out of our relationship. I said ok and booked a motel for a couple of nights – and we both wanted to get together on fri. I should point out also that during this conversation on wed, that she was really sincere and affectionate and said she wanted to be with me. Friday morning came and I felt good and wanted to see her and tell her my feelings and commitment to her. I was up early and drove home and I noticed as I was coming up that her trainer’s car was parked in the street across from our house. So I parked on the street and walked up to our side door and found it locked- which it never had been. And this whole time I was saying to myself- “please prove me wrong”. I walked in and went to the living rm and spare rm on the same floor and no one was there. So I went upstairs and saw them there lying in our bed. I stood there using every will power I had not to destroy this kid and she woke up. I walked up to the bed and told them to get up. He was startled and she yelled at me to don’t do anything. I never did and I said what was going on? And she said….”nothing happened” all this while standing there in her underwear and tank. And he was half clothed.
She still denies the whole thing even though the day after- sat. we were talking/arguing and I asked to see her receipts from the pharmacy on the day I left to give her her space. Which I knew she went because she borrowed money from me to go there with her niece. And wouldn’t you know it? There was a receipt for a pack of condoms- which of course she denies were for her and says that it was for her niece and she had put it in there.
I admit one mistrust on my part and that is I broke my promise of tape recording our phone as I did on thurs (the night before) – I just listened to it yesterday and her and her niece were talking about how he had spent the night before and how it was good that they had gotten the “stuff” at the store and how he couldn’t handle her….
I have not yet confronted her with the tape of her conversation…do you think I should and how should I do it? I am leaving her but have not yet told her as I want to do it at the same time I have her listen to herself. Thank you- and I am sorry for the long diatribe.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you fudosoul, it is very painful. After all the perfect evidence that you've had, I'm not sure confronting her is really going to give you any satisfaction. She will likely just deny again as betrayers seem to be really good at or throw it in your face somehow by blaming it on something you did or said. Will that make you feel better? Probably not. Also she just doesn't seem as if she really cares what you think. I'm not sure what you want to accomplish by confronting her. You had the very best evidence you could have had catching them in bed with each other and what could really be worse than that? Certainly not a telephone conversation. You know what happened with them in bed, and she still denied it. The same will happen again.

It seems like withdrawal at this point will be the only thing that will save you some sanity down the road. Arguing doesn't accomplish anything so why put yourself through it any longer?

I hardly ever recommend getting out of a marriage but you seem as if you've already made that smart choice.

Oh, about the spying. Please don't feel guilty about that. Many professionals, who are good at what they do, will tell you it is necessary to rebuild any trust back after an A (affair). I did it and many of us did it here. The only way you can even begin to trust is if your spouse is an open book and okays the fact that you will spy. She is using her anger over you spying as one more way to make "you" feel bad.

You were very wise not to do anything to that guy in bed with your wife. I'm not sure I could have done the same thing but I commend you for it. Why ruin your life over this. Remember that it wasn't he who did this to you, your W (wife) was the one who broke the vows, not him. From what you've said, it may have been any one of several more men.

Hang in there and again, I'm sorry your here under these circumstances. We are here to help:)

Charlie

Fud, that is some heavy stuff. I am sorry for what you are going through.

I know of feeling badly about the spying. What can you say? It sure doesn't sound like you had to be that creative as she seemed quite blatant.

I also hate that the 19 y/o niece is a friend to her indiscretions. What has she learned in this to shape her life? Someone should stamp her on the forehead "Stay away from this one". She has learned that this is how you behave and treat your boyfriend/husband. That's sorry stuff.

Take care of yourself and be strong, get strong. You have a rough road ahead.

You have survived some of the worst stuff possible in a relationship, it is so good you are able to write about it to get it out. That has helped me. I think the worst is when you KNOW but your spouse denies it. Try to set aside thoughts of her and focus on getting yourself healthy. Be kind to yourself, cry if you want, let the anger out in a good way, set aside the shame, move on toward peace.

Sending good energy to you,
Judy

Oh, BTW. One other thing you may want to do is get your name off any joint credit cards or other accounts before you separate. Sometimes people who are quite normal can get ugly when these things happen.

Protect yourself.