On the members forum, you wrote: >>Her leaving is bad because i don't get to see my daughter, and most importantly I miss her, 7 years!<< and then >>We're doing a non-contested divorce already agreed upon the custody, child support, etc. it should be final in a month<<
Obviously your child custody arrangement is up to you and your wife. I can only try to imagine what it would be like to lose your daughter. I don't get why you would allow your wife to take your daughter to Anchorage with her. Double checking with an attorney on that point might could save you alot of grief down the road.
As for the "she told me she still loves me but isn't "In Love" with me" shpiel, I wouldn't take it too seriously. The majority of betrayed spouses have probably heard that one at at least once. From what I hear, if your wife was open and honest with you and told you her secrets but lied routinely to her boyfriend, she would find herself "in love" with you and feeling quite distant from him.
The "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I heard it once 12 years ago and I think the only reason I didn't hear it this time is because I thanked her for not saying it before she had a chance. But it's implied.
And that is interesting that if she took the time to be in love with you as she does the boyfriend, everyone might be surprised she would find herself able to be in love with you. I never thought about that in those exact terms. But how can you reconnect and find love together when you are the third wheel? There is mutual work to be done on the marriage, but it takes total effort by both parties. I think of being told that she wants to figure out how to give 100% to saving the marriage. When you think that she gave 200+% to the affair and the boyfriend, it get's irritating to think that you can't get 100% to save the marriage.
But what I think about the phrase "love you but not in love with you" is that it's not the second part of that phrase that is false, but the first part.
Moe wrote >>if she took the time to be in love with you as she does the boyfriend, everyone might be surprised she would find herself able to be in love with you<<
Sure. You know what they say .... "it's not who you lie with, it's who you lie to".
Somebody should perform the experiment: date two women at the same time. With the first woman, never tell her about the other woman. In fact, lie your bollocks off whenever the opportunity arises. With the second one, always tell her the complete truth including your deepest darkest hopes, dreams, secrets, and fears. After six months, decide which one you're most "in love" with.
Quinn, my husband did perform that experiment. I never heard the “love you, but not in love with you” line but it would have been a lie. There’s no way he loved me during that time. How can you give that kind of emotional energy to two women at the same time? Although, I gotta give him credit – he sure tried – unfortunately, neither of them were me.
I understand what you're saying, DG. It's hard to imagine anyone could "love" you while betraying you so horribly.
My X and I have a long history. We became a unit when I was 16 or 17. A couple of times, we were separated for about a year. Other than that, we were together for almost 30 years.
One of the things that she told me after d-day was that she never stopped "loving" me during her affair. I believe her. I know she wasn't "in love" with me during that time but she was "in love" with me a long time ago. Passion is temporary but something important stuck around after the passion faded. That "something" was one of the main reasons that we stayed together for 30 years. It may be gone now but her affair didn't destroy it (at least not all by itself).
I hear the phrase "I love you but I am in love with you" when I was going thru this. I didn't understand what that mean then and I still don't understand now.
"Passion is temporarty"- I heard that one too. These two lines seemed to have been repeated to me over and over again back then. I still stop dead in tracks when I hear them. It is like the whole ordeal unfold before as I stand. I wonder it will ever go away completely.
Doesn't "love" change over time for most people? Surely you've noticed that the way that you feel about your h now that you have two children isn't quite the same as it was when you were first engaged. Please could you explain what it is that you don't understand?
Quinn,
My husband and I were high school sweethearts, too. We married almost 26 years ago. I believe we love each other but we can’t seem to stop hurting each other. I think that “something” you mentioned is the shared history of two people who have felt such passion for each other – that “in love” feeling you remember and cherish. It’s so hard to let it go because you want to believe you can recapture it if only the stars would align and the gods were on your side. But when the pain becomes more persistent than the pleasure, you have to start asking yourself some serious questions about the nature of your love and what you are willing to give up for it. I guess that’s where I am right now.
So many questions, so few answers.
Passion is temporary. Love changes. I guess all ways we can look at things. But what happens is called real life. Some people think as spouses, it's all supposed to be Lady and The Tramp eating spaghetti to violin music every day for eternity. Certainly love and marriage needs to keep passion alive and it takes maturity, understanding, and effort to keep it going...but life needs attention too and it is very needy. Give in to life's neediness and you lose sight of what's important in a relationship. All you need is the love to be there and to regain your vision into your heart and open the conduit to the one you love whenever you can.
But in our discussions, where we have run into the problems in our personal lives is that while real love can be immortal, infatuation dies certainly and quickly and the weak are IN love with infatuation. Bryan Ferry was wrong. Love isn't the drug. Infatuation is the drug. And I think this is where we get into the discussions of how can one love and yet betray so horribly. They want the buzz and don't care who or what they destroy to get it.
I heard those very words..."I love you but I'm not in-love with you". The MC explained to my H that at one time he needed to have those "in-love" feelings for your wife in order to reach a mature love that occurs bewteen two people over time. What you have with your wife is a deeper, more meaningful and mature love. It is not as exciting as the begining stages of feeling "in-love" but it is a lasting love.
As with many WS's they will use this as an excuse to justify their betrayal to themselves and to anyone else who falls prey to it. It is a way of coping with what they have done. If I am not "in-love" with my wife I had every right to seek "love" elsewhere, or I cant help it if I fell "in-love" with someone else. I mean in some cases maybe they do "fall in-love" with someone else, but most of the time it is just self delusion. It makes them feel better to think this than to face the harsh reality of what they have done.
Many will say love itself is a choice. Giving into lust is also a choice. Being selfish is also a choice. Destroying the lives of your spouse and children is also a choice. It's all about choices! So choose wisely.
I agree with the two kinds of love theory, there is a certain 'infatuation' at the start of the relationship, that 'cant keep away' type of feeling. Over time this turns into a married,settled love where you feel comfortable with each other...or so it should go. My wife had brought issues with her from her childhood and teens and we never really explored her problems because she always denied there were any. She still thinks like a teenager and thinks ongoing love should be that infatuation type of feeling, unfortunately having kids never dispelled this in her. Maybe one day,whatever happens to us,she will realise that you are never going to wake up every morning, look at your partner and go 'corrrr....!'. She seems to have retreated into her own world at the moment and I cant get in there at all....despite STILL having done nothing wrong. I honestly do feel like Im the one who has had the affair and am on probation.
'One cannot answer for his courage when he has never been in danger'
