I feel kinda silly now that I'm reading about all the 15 and 20 year marriages and I'm not even married to the cheater--have only known him 2 1/2 years. I have been struggling with whether what I feel is normal or if I'm going crazy and all I've been saying the past month is I need a support group!!!
Anyway, as I mentioned we met a little over 2 years ago and I got pregnant about 3 months into the relationship, if you could even call it that then. After that I vowed I wouldn't leech onto him just because we were having a baby and the emotional distance just grew, and grew, and grew. Not to mention he lives 50 miles away so it's pretty much a long distance relationship. Baby was born in February and then in March I guess he got fed up with not knowing where we stood and asked me point blank if I wanted him to back off. I had always thought I'd say yes but in the moment I couldn't...I didn't know why then but I just couldn't say leave me alone.
As the months progressed it started to feel really uncomfortable with him only coming to see me and baby once a week, sometimes not even that. We weren't really connecting or communicating and it pretty much really sucked, to the point where in October I thought I might walk away. But something changed literally overnight for me and I woke up really desiring to have him in my life as my mate. It changed so fast it scared me. And I was sure that if I told him how I felt it would scare him away so I tried to ease him into it and eventually we were talking about building a house together, growing old together, all that.
Meanwhile, the suspicious happenings...him talking on his cell phone in the bathroom rather than in front of me...mysterious calls early in the morning...I won't say I paid it no mind, but I didn't assign any importance to it at the moment. Just filed it away.
We got pretty intense over the last few months, to the point where he had me trying to find places for us to live. But at the same time I'm feeling all kinds of anxious and don't know exactly why, and he's asking me all these questions about who talks to me when I go out. He's all stressed out all the time and I'm thinking it's the two jobs and the promotions he didn't get and being away from the baby.
One morning I'm sitting inside the house when my car gets sideswiped. I call him to tell him about it a little while later and he is less than tuned in to what I'm saying, although trying to keep me on the phone. He's asking me what's on my mind and how I'm feeling and I'm actually ok about the car and I'm like what the hell are you getting at??? He says I'm surprised you haven't said something already.
Mentions me dropping him off at his house (he doesn't drive-car met with wretched misfortune on thanksgiving) a few weeks back. Mentions me running upstairs to use the restroom. Mentions maybe I saw some things that shouldn't have been there (???) Curling irons, he says. It comes out that he has had a female roommate for a month that he didn't tell me about (in addition to the male who I did know about) because he knows how insecure I am and that I would be upset if I knew. (BS) I say so what? Do you like her? He says no, but she likes me and she went through my cell phone and she might try to stir up some stuff and she might call you and I just wanted to tell you before she did. Meanwhile my hands are shaking because I know this is not the end of the story.
This was Monday.
I come home from work Friday night and my sister hands me the phone assuming its him because it's his area code. Voice is a little higher than his. Higher than mine. She says you don't know me, but are you dating this guy? You have a child together right? Well...he I didn't know about you either and I met him at my sister's bbq in June...I've been living there since AUGUST because I had trouble with my roommate...and we've been sleeping together since June. And I saw you that day you went to the bathroom.
A whole year.
She was very apologetic and polite. As soon as I hung up from her I grabbed my car keys and my sister and sped that 50 miles to ambush the mf and on the way I called the girl too (who by the way said he had put her things out by the door the day before) and she agreed to meet me there. Of course he lied in my face when I asked him what was going on. She had mail to prove how long she had been there. And what's more she had no reason to lie to me; he did. He lied and lied and went upstairs and cried and then he left us all there and went to work.
In the parking lot, she told me she was pregnant. Due the week before our daughter's birthday.
We texted each other all night about the details--well, I asked, he denied. I had to have the truth so I asked him when we could talk face to face and he was hesitant because he thought once we did I'd never talk to him again. That told me right there that the truth was coming...or at least some of it.
Two days later I drove up and he confessed to her moving in a long time ago, that it started with her staying over sometimes. He said nothing happened until after she moved in, when she started making moves on him. He eventually caved, he said. And it would stop and start and stop and start. He said she was only supposed to be there a few months but she kept putting it off. He asked me for another chance, hesitantly, because he thought for sure I was done with him. I said I'd think about it.
I thought I had most of the truth. But the June thing kept ringing in my head. So I confronted him on it because he had actually said October was when it started, but he didn't remember saying that and this time he said August. Well I found a letter from her to him saying it was only a few days after they met. I haven't told him that yet.
Now I'm wondering why I'm still here if he's not going to tell me the truth. I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him. Would make things so much easier. I found other letters from her to him and they backed up his story of never really caring about her and only being with her because he was unsure about our relationship. And she HAD known about me and was afraid of driving him closer to me.
It's a loooooonnnnnnggg drawn out story and it has only barely begun. I'm stuck between hating him and loving him. On one hand he made a stupid mistake when our relationship was not solidified. On the other hand he's still hiding details from me. I know the bottom line is the same but I deserve total truth. I don't know what to do. I go through the highs of really believing we are strong enough to make it through this, and then the lows of I can't believe he did this to me. And to another person. My heart is broken and I don't know how to get over this. I feel like a lunatic for even giving him another chance but for some strange reason I decided a little while back that we belong together.
****(copied to Discovery Forum from Member's Forum by Quinn)****
