Hello! I am new to this forum and I am hoping that someone can provide me some insight into why some people have to chronically lie.....to their partners, to everyone. I was involved with a man for six years. He was separated from his wife at the time we started dating. I was told initially that he didn't want to introduce his kids to me until he felt the time was right. I started to wonder as time went on why I still hadn't met the children and why he still had not filed for divorce. I was told that he was afraid of losing the love of his children. His X told him never to bring a woman around his children or else she would make sure the children hated him...she would poison their minds. I felt badly for him and let that situation be. I never felt comfortable with this situation, but I loved him and felt maybe his reasoning was valid.

After about four years of being together (yes, four years!), he started having financial difficulty after having lost his job and so decided to rent a room in his house. A mutual friend of ours introduced a woman who he worked with as a potential tenant. I was upset. This was a woman moving into his house. We quarreled, but he assured me that I shouldn't worry...he loved me and she was just a tenant. He needed the money badly to pay the bills.

Shortly after, I noticed he started to drift away.....less contact, less phone calls. We quarreled and broke up for a few months. He then contacted me again. He invited me to his home for dinner (the tenant sat outside); he invited me to his cottage (in front of the tenant); we celebrated Christmas (while the tenant was upstairs). So, I really felt secure at this time that tenant was just that....a tenant.

Last week I found out that he had been seeing the "tenant" for the last year!! I confronted her and asked her if he had been lying to me. She tried to convince me that "she didn't know I was with him" and that he told her nothing ever happened between us. I asked her if she "was stupid or something"? She was there when we left for the cottage. She was there when I came over for dinner. She knew we had been dating as the mutual friend told her we had been a couple for several years.

The tenant also advised me that he told her "they will never have a relationship, long or short term" and that their relationship was just casual sex. She also advised me that he had been seeing other women as well as they would leave messages on his answering machine. She however really "likes" him and so is accepting of his ways. I was completely in shock. I really didn't know what to say.

So it seems that this man has been lying to me, lying to the tenant, lying to the not-completely ex-wife.....and for what?? I just don't understand why a person feels they can just lie and lie. I never felt comfortable with the fact that he hid our relationship from the ex-wife, but I tried to justify it by telling myself it was best for his children and that I didn't want to be involved in any hurt. I know it sounds foolish and maybe I was a fool? Perhaps I was a fool to not just ditch him when the tenant moved in? I can't believe that I could be so foolish.

Howdy Tina,

Welcome to the Recovery and Discovery Affair Forum. Sorry you had to find us. Hopefully this forum will let you know you aren't alone and others understand what you are going through.

You said<<<I can't believe that I could be so foolish.>>>
You weren't foolish Tina, you were trusting. BIG Difference.

Why did he lie? Who knows. A million lies, a million different reasons. Or it could be 1 simple reason: because he can. Because he's a cake man(wants his cake and eat it too)?. Because he's selfish? Ok..ok...that's 3 reasons.

Only you know what's best for you. You know you deserve better than this. What do you want to do now?

Keep posting and once again welcome.

Regards,

Tex

Tina-

People lie for a variety of reasons. Sometimes people are too afraid to admit to themsleves and others how despicable their behavior is. It isn't easy to look inside and say "Geez, what a selfish jerk asshole I've been!" When a person had the courage to do this then they can come clean with the truth to themseleves and others.

Another reason people lie is because they are lazy and feel entitled. They feel it is OK to take advantage of others. They tell lies to get what they want and to feed their greed. Don't let this "man" take advantage of you any longer.

TLMM

Thank you so much to those who responded to my first posting! I have heard that saying before - "cakeman". That is such a good description! I agree, those that continually lie don't really want to face themselves in the mirror...but you know what happens? A liar always gets caught....and this liar did. You wonder sometimes if there was something missing in their personality development? How does one look another person in the eye?....a person they know loves them and lie, not once...but continually, day after day after day....lie after lie? And for what reason? This person does not have a conscience. I believe strongly in "karma" and I believe that "what goes around, will come around". This man will receive his karma...in one way or another....or maybe his karma is simply that he can't look at himself anymore? Or he can't sleep well at night? I don't know? Maybe he will never realize the hurt he has inflicted on others? I did tell him that one day he will find himself a very lonely man.....unable to love or be loved.

Howdy again Tina

Glad to see you continue to post .

Ya know sometimes I don't think some folks look in the mirror, they look through a window. Never looking on the inside, always the outside. In other words, never having to look at themselves.

You sound pretty damn strong to me. Hang tough. When those weak moments hit remember you deserve someone who can look at themself in the mirror...if they can't look look at themself straight on, they can't look at you that way either.

Regards,

Tex

I don't understand why they lie. I think it is an inability to really know what they are feeling and simply keeping their options open until they figure out what they are thinking. All I ever asked for was the truth. If you don't want me and/or might want him just tell me. The thing is I just don't think she knew. The problem is that in that time of wanting her to tell me one way or another when she couldn't, I was tortued because I then lied to myself.

The sad thing is that I think lying does hurt them and they don't have to lie to the OP. It is a bubble of total honesty with them while they lie to others. They have to return to the lies and then have an inner need to go back to a relationship where they don't have to lie to one another.