I once read that this is a common line from those that emotionally abuse their partners......mine would do this towards the end. I felt so insecure about our relationship that I would ask the question, "Do you love me?". The last answer I received before I found out about the tenant was "I love you, but I don't love you the way you want me to". I am a smart woman, but I had a bit of difficulty trying to figure that one out. I think it means, "I love you, but I don't want to be committed to you and I am sleeping with the tenant...but you don't know that because I am lying all the time". Would you agree?

"But" means forget everything I just said and listen to what I said afterwards.

I just don't have the balls to say it and/or I wanna keep you around..in case. That's the message.

Tex

Tex....you are great....I think you hit it right on the nose!!

Yup, Tex, I am just gonna read your posts if I ever feel wobbly about my decision NOT to be with a loser. You say it like it is and thanks for that.

Judy

I agree!

Carol~

"Would you agree?"

I think that "I love you but not In love" sentence is just all a bunch of crap!

I think sometimes they do actually love you but are so caught up in the excitement of sex with others to realize what they want. At least with my ex I think that. I'm not trying to be big headed about that but he said that too and now I'm seeing regret and remorse every time I see him. I also think he just didn't want to see a counselor to help with some of his issues so the easier way (to him) was out of our marriage.

I agree that sometimes someone may fall out of love but I don't think it applies to every case.

Charlie

I think you are right Charlie.....it must the the thrill of new sex that makes one think they are "in love"......but you know as well as I do that mature love involves so much more. Once the honeymoon is over, a couples usually falls to a level of feeling comfortable with one another. I suppose some people are never quite capable of reaching the level of mature love that exists between couples in a healthy relationship?

I love you but......

I am too immature to deal with my own issues

I am too selfish to care

I am not in love with you anymore because I can't possibly be in love with two woman

I only think with my dick and not my brain

I would rather hide from the issues I know I have

Avoidance is much easier and I like the easy path

I say I love my family too even though most days I have nothing nice to say about them.

I am a total asshole so just ignore the first part!


Ugh I need more sleep LOL

Kid

Thanks Kid, that was great.....I had a good laugh this morning!!!!

Kid

You were right on the money with my ex. You too Tina, he definitely loves immaturely. I notice that even with my kids.

Charlie

I have to confess that I have said "I love you but.....I'm not in love with you". I have to plead ignorance because at the time I didnt know it was a line, I really meant it literally. That was beofer I had watched alot of Seinfeld and learned alot about relationships. But its one thing when it means "I really care about you but Im confused about my feelings" as oppposed to what Kid listed - funny, but also too true. But that reminds me - I had it said to me in a different way once too. So I got slapped with my own karma coming back around.

Hi Kenny,

Thanks for sharing. My X said, "I love you, but not the way you want me to". I can only imagine that he meant he loves me, but not enough to be committed to me. He didn't want to have any strings attached to him. We started to quarrel about the fact that after three years I was still not actively part of his life.....participating with the children, etc. He really wanted to compartmentalize his life and as long as I was OK with that, everything was fine. It was the moment I expressed that I wasn't happy that he gave me this line. Our relationship was only good as long as everything suited him and his needs were being met. He really didn't love me at all. This is not how someone treats someone they love. He is confused on the meaning of love. What do you think?

Well Tina you said in your first message that you felt insecure, and it sounds like you had very good reasons for feeling that way.

It's difficult when you fall in love and then realize the person is not right for you. I tried to be honest and upfront about that when I was dating if the situation came up. Lots of guys (and girls) are not, and one thing holding them back is that first you have to be honest with yourself.

Trying to be involved and committed at the same time as being free and have no strings doesnt work and your ex-guy might someday learn that the hard way. Or maybe, he really just enjoys living a life of chaos and instability.

Love without respect is not love. Incapacity to love is what that is.

Even when not said but you hear it anyway, "but" always is a period. The end.

I remember thanking my current wife for not telling me "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" as my first wife did. But that's what she meant... it was implied. I think it means I forgot what love is but my experience is that they remember eventually.

Last Friday night I just said, simply, "I don't love you anymore." I realize that although I might have been in love with the IDEA of being in love...I probably never loved the guy like, well, like LOVED the guy. And I think he knew it from the start. But, having said that, I respected him more, was nicer to him, catered to him more and because of that I felt/he felt I LOVED him more and he agreed.

My assessment of our relationship was based on behaviors. I behaved like I thought a person in love should behave. He did not. Now I'm reminded of that song by Tina Turner, "What's love got to do with it?" Love, shmove, whaddever ya callit. I am hung up on the love thing because my mom used to say, after I had gotten a very bad spanking from my dad, that he was doing it because he loved me. Talk about mixed messages for a little kid. Love for me was paired with pain from a very early age.

From now on if a guy tells me that he can't give me what I need I know that means that HE doesn't want to give me what I need and he's just is too whimpy to say that. And it will be a long time before I venture into the love language again.

Judy

Hello everyone,

Yes, love without respect is not love.....and this is what I have learned from my experience. I know sometimes we speak of "falling in love" and we know what that means.....it is the first stages of romantic love, when everything is just wonderful and yet, really.....you still don't know a lot about the other person. Real love is when you know everything about your partner and you still care for them....and you still want to be there, to share in their company every single day.

I don't know what happened with my relationship as it took a long time before I received those dreadful words. I suppose we were still living in fantasy land as two worlds had not collided yet....I was still not involved with his children. I didn't realize it then, but this was a huge red flag as it is saying that he didn't care enough about me to want me to become involved in this part of his life....no matter how difficult it may be initially. People who are committed to each other will weather storms together.

Looking back, I think that he loved me when I was fulfilling his needs....I was wonderful to him when I was complacent, but as soon as I expressed that I have needs as well....and that was to be part of his life fully.....maybe then he saw me in a different light?.....I became demanding and uncompassionate to his needs (or so he thought)?

I do believe that some people are just not capable of really loving someone......not genuinely anyway.

I also think you are right and that one day the X will realize what he had, but it will be too late then....and too much pain has been inflicted to ever really forgive. He will end up alone....I am quite certain of that. People like this always do. I am just sorry that I had to learn such a horrible life lesson.....know what I mean? These are lessons that you don't really want to learn.

Oh yes Kenny, I also wondered if he just enjoyed "sweating" all the time! I think you may be right in that he can only live while sitting completely on the edge....a life full of chaos and instability. I can only fathom that a chronic liar must actually enjoy the feeling he/she is receiving from their lies.....it must make their adrenaline rush! Sometimes they lie when there is no reason to lie....and sometimes they conjure up situations so they have to start lying......sort of like when he would invite me over to his house for dinner, etc....while the tenant was there!!!

I'm not sure if I told you, but I confronted the tenant recently....and asked her for how long had he been lying to me. She knew all along and informed me that he told her, "there will never be a relationship long or short term between them"...she is just for sex! He doesn't want a relationship and she must stay away from his children. She apparently really "likes" him and so played along with his deception of me. She also informed me that he's been trying to date other women......who, he apparently has been hurting as well and they are leaving very nasty messages on his answering machine!

I told the tenant that I did not respect her for the lack of respect she had in herself.......and that he was her problem now! It is really quite incredible when you think about it. I don't know how some people can live this way? I think I will stick to my ballet lessons for a while and busy myself with friends. These emotional rollercoasters are just too hard to handle!