I found this site a couple days ago and after reading everyone's stories and the support and caring they seem to recieve in return I thought this might be the place for me.
My H told me about his affair about a month ago,since then he has promised not to talk to her or see her yet he has went back on that promise many times. This is an emotional affair but yet seems to be mainly done over the phone.He has talked to the OW knowingly in front of me atleast three times. I have spoken with her twice. The strange thing about it all is that the OW is newly divorced because her husband left her for another woman!!!???!! My H also drinks and at times it is quite heavily and during those times he turns into someone that I don't know,which only compounds our problems further.
I desperately need someone to talk to. I don't talk to any of my friends on a regular basis anymore and I have had to keep all these feelings to myself and it is bottling up inside me like an explosive. My husband will talk to me occasionaly about it but only when he wants to.I feel so empty and depressed like I have nothing left inside me. I have been making myself literally sick and I am somehow ashamed of this whole thing as if it is my fault. I cry all the time and cannot seem to live a normal life. I need help dealing with this but I don't know where to start dealing with it myself.

Howdy Amy,

Welcome to the Recovery and Discovery Affair Forum. I'm very sorry you had to find us however you've found a safe place along with alot of caring, sharing and wisdom from the folks here.

Hopefully the first thing this site provides new members is letting them (you) know you are not alone.

We all know how bad this hurts. First thing I had to acknowledge was this IS happening, I wasn't having a nightmare. It was real.

Next thing was to acknowledge my feelings. The more I tried to stuff them down the worse it got. Hopefully you have read enough here that you know everything you are feeling is common more times that not I believe.

You said<<<I don't talk to any of my friends on a regular basis anymore>>>. I'm a big believer in telling one close friend. You need that support Amy.

You said<<<I am somehow ashamed of this whole thing as if it is my fault.>>> This wasn't your fault. This was his choice. Don't forget that. Hopefully he hasn't made statements to that effect. "If you would have been a better wife, more sex"" blah blah blah. We call it blame-shifting. Don't buy into it.

You need to realize you have choices too Amy. You have the choice of deciding whether you want to reconcile and if so under what conditions reconcilation will happen. You are doing him the favor(for lack of a better word) by considering to give him a chance, not the other way around.

That being said you are so new to this. You do not have/need to be making any decisions on that now. Your job is to take care of yourself as best as you can.

What do you need from him that he isn't doing besides still contacting the OW? Why is he still in contact with her if he wants to save his marriage?

Here's a link to an article on emotional affairs. I hope it helps.

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/emotional_affairs.asp

Once again welcome to the forum.

Regards,

Tex

Dear Amy,

I am so sorry that you have to be here, Tex wrote a wonderful post and I strongly suggest that you follow his advice.

I only confided in one very close friend and she, MC and the people on the forum are aware of all my H's affairs. So do find someone that you can talk to and will keep your hurt in confidence . Your mental health is experiencing the roller-coaster ride of emotional highs and lows. PLease please DONOT Blame yourself...and do not buy into the any excuse your H may made telling you that it is your fault...it isn't...all marriages struggle at times but infidelity ISN"T the the fault of the BS.

Amy have you ever considered going to AA and seeking help in their support programs. I understand that they offer wonderful support to the people who are involved with heavy drinkers....some of their advice would also apply to the EA.

Post as often as you feel the need to vent, ask questions, or just need to tell what is happening in your life.

Take care,

pat

Wonderful compassionate post as always Pat

Pat said<<<Amy have you ever considered going to AA and seeking help in their support programs. I understand that they offer wonderful support to the people who are involved with heavy drinkers....some of their advice would also apply to the EA>>> Great idea Pat.

Here's a few websites Amy

http://www.alanon-help.com/alanon.htm

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

http://groups.msn.com/Alanon/books.msnw (it'll recommend reading material)

There is also a wonderful thread Carol started on the Open Forum entitled "Addictions and Affairs" that might be worth reading.

Regards,

Tex

Amy,

I understand what you're going through and I also understand the sick feeling.

It has been 6 1/2 years since I began that journey.

Just ideas here, and you may be well aware of this already.

A deeper and far more insidious problem than adultery in a marriage can be alcoholism in a marriage. Adultery often goes hand in hand with alcoholism. Another common problem of living with a cheating drinker is that sense of shame and guilt that you always wind up feeling which really can belong to them.


Books that helped me understand more about this are:

Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie
Beyond Codependency Melodie Beattie

Marriage on the Rocks by Janet Woititz
Adult Children of Alcoholics Janet Woititz
Struggle for Intimacy Janet Woitiz


Remember that you do not have to keep all those feelings bottled up inside. Find help! Talk to supportive people about what you're going through. I'm glad you posted.

Thanks so much for your quick responses,It feels good to know there are people out there that are going through the same things I am.
I have not been able to respond as quickly as I might have liked due to the fact we are adding on to our house and there have been workers coming and going this week,I didn't really feel comfortable posting since I don't have a lot of privacy right now.
I don't really know right now if my H is still talking to the OW I suspect that he is but at the same time he has changed some of the habits he had when he was talking to her every day so I'm not really sure what to think.I don't really want to let my guard down so that if he is still talking to her I won't be blindsided again the way I have been several times.I want to trust him again but I don't know if that will ever happen.I am still so depressed that I cry all the time or if I am not crying I am unbearably angry.I am past the point where I need to know anything and I want to pretend that it did not happen even though I know that it did and I will have to face up to it eventually. Again,thanks for the support and kindness you all have shown me.

Amy
I just wanted to welcome you here also. Learning of an A is terribly painful. Find all the resources you can. This site is number one on my list and it has helped me tremendously.

It's been just 15 weeks since d-day for me and my WS is choosing to continue her relationship with OM. I have moved out, so my story is a bit different from many.

I haven't yet heard anyone mention counseling. That is the other resource which can be critical. MC can focus both of your attention on healing and the emotional and concrete things that you need to heal. It is also a sign of a committment on his part to work on your relationship.

I'm sure so much seems to be happening so fast that it is hard to keep your balance. Some good advice is to take is slow. The book "After the Affair" by Janis Abrams was a wonderful help for me to validate and understand the feelings both parties experience after an A. There are lots more resources and you'll get lots of suggestions from this group if you want more.

Hang in there and be sure to take care of yourself - rest, exercise, eat. Too many people let that go with this kind of emotional stress. We've been there and know the kind of pain you must feel. Keep posting and ask anything you want. I know you didn't deserve this - but you have to know that and feel it. Thinking of you.

-Rob


"Focus on what you have, not what you have lost"

hi amy

firstly welcome, to a place none of us want to be in

my husband also had an emotional relationship with another woman, a co-worker of his and i found it incidious. there will be tough times ahead for you, but as others have said here, you do have some choices, you can get lots of care and support here, it is a good place to vent when you feel you have nowhere else to go etc.

in terms of your husbands drinking there is a site called soberrecovery.com
which you might find helpful. there is lots of information for people living with partners who have drinking problems etc. you might find that helpful

hang around read the posts here and keep in touch

hugs
kath