I am not feeling too well today. I feel that sinking feeling again. Some days are good and other days are just so terrible. Last night I did what I shouldn't have done....I sent an e-mail to my X....asking him "Why?"....."Please explain to me because I don't understand". The hard part about all of this is that he won't tell me anything. He is so closed lipped about everything. I can't even get a straight answer.
Every day I try my best to think positive about my future, but it is just so hard because I feel so awful. I just can't understand why someone would want to hurt me so badly....especially when I cared about them. If you recall, my X would invite me over and play games in front of the tenant. What was he trying to do? I feel so humiliated and embarrassed and betrayed.......I don't know if I could feel any worse if I had been sexually assaulted. The worst part of it is that this was all done by someone I loved...and not a stranger. Maybe a stranger would have been better? At least I don't have any feelings for a stranger? Do you know what I mean?
Does anybody out there ever feel that sometimes you are just going to lose it? I worry about that sometimes. I worry that the depression is never going to lift.
In the past I have done exactly what you did: Contact to find out why. Do not be ashamed of this at all. We do what we do. We learn from it. I have a saying that I believe in and that is that you cannot walk around the fire, you have to walk through the fire to be healed. You are reaching out, being honest (walking through the fire) and that will help you to feel loved and important in the face of being emotionally abused by your X. It's a long road to recovery from trying to find out why someone would not value you, but the bottom line is that some people are not capable. We can stay and stay and stay trying to get them to like us in the way we deserve but the truth is that if they do not value the relationship nothing will change that. It is not you. You are a good person with a good heart trying to make your way. How much he likes you is not a measure of who you are.
I was feeling pretty down today myself and decided to review some of the stories from the hurricane. I realize that some of my depression is that I can feel heavy energy of the horrible destruction and the awful sadness of those 10,000 dead, by the mayor's estimate. I felt helpless until I found ways I can help. In addition to the stories of the survivors, I am truly moved by the stories of the rescue efforts for pets. So today, instead of thinking of how sad I am because of the end of my sorry-ass relationship...Yes, that was what it was...I am going to do my part donating to those who really have problems. I am a very blessed and fortunate woman...first of all to be done with a dysfunctional relationship, and second to be able to do something for others...be it here on this board sharing my story, or by sending my donations to the victims of Katrina. Just think of the girls/women who have that beautiful name Katrina...that will be difficult for them from now on to always be associated with such disaster.
My best to you for a better day, Tina. Find your strength, walk through the fire, be strong, think beauty.
Thank you so much Judy for your rely. It really helped me. I was feeling ashamed that I had contacted him, but then I suppose it is only normal to want to know why someone abused you....and you are right in that some people are just never capable of caring about other people....and that his caring about me should not be a measure of my own self worth. I will tell myself this every day.
I too have been watching the TV and I am horrified by what is happening in New Orleans. I was there 2 years ago.....and it is difficult to comprehend what is happening now. I work in a children's hospital and I find that I am the most at peace when I am helping others.
As I wrote in another post, I feel violated! Being violated and betrayed by a loved one wreaks havock and causes internal conflict. We love this person but they did this to us!!! In our hearts and minds it makes no sense. If you love someone you don't do things like that. It is a lot to absorb and understand. Yes, I think it would have been better if had been a stranger and no "feelings" were involved.
I have good days and bad days still BUT I do feel myself getting stronger in all of this. And sad as it may seem, the stronger I get, the more my self-esteem reappears, the more I feel I can just leave him behind if I choose to. That is not a staement I could have made just 3 months ago (I am 14 months past d-day). I was so worried about the children, and I still am, and that is one of the reasons I stay.
As to "why?", well, many of us will never know. Sometimes the WS doesnt even know the answer. When I asked my H "why?" at first he shrugged his shoulders, and said because the opportunity presented itself. Well, I have ahd plenty of "opportunity" and I never did! So that is not answer and so far he cant really come up with a better one on his own. For them to look deep down inside themselves and figure out excatly why they did what they did would require some kind of effort on their part. They would have to admit that there is something wrong with them. But feeling good is what an A is all about. So why would they want to to feel bad? Only those hwo are remorseful and want to work things out will do the owrk to look inside themselves and try to change themselves. And yes, they must do it for themselves. They must want change.
But even if my H doesnt know what happened, I do! He was feeling bad about himself because I went on vacation without him. I begged him to go but he said he couldn't, he had to be at the pizzeria. So me and the kids went anyway. We went back to Calif., where I grew up so the kids could see where mommy came from. I was gone for 2 1/2 weeks. My H felt very insecure about this, especially knowing how much I miss Calif. Maybe he was afraid I wasnt coming back...I really dont know. So he meet this older, unmarried woman while I was gone. They started out as "smoking buddies" (my H is addicted to pot and I do not smoke at all). Basically, she had the connections to some "good stuff" and he had the money. And the rest is history as they say. Essentially he became her pot whore. I dont know how else to explain it. But that's it in a nutshell. My H was willing to throw away 15 years of marriage and our 3 children for some old hag who had some killer weed!!! But that is what pot does to you, it makes you not care. It makes me sick to even think about it!!!
Thanks for your reply! Yes, the feeling of violation goes right to the core doesn't it? After I found out, I went to New York for 4 days. I didn't eat anything the whole time I was there.....just drank ginger-ale! It has been 1 1/2 months now since I found out....and I am just starting to get my appetite back. I am having pizza tonight!!
I know it is different for me because I was able to just leave that CHEATER behind....actually, I threw a bag of half-eaten chicken at him and walked away. I can do that because we were not married and we didn't have any children, but we were companions for almost 7 years. It must be hard for you....because I know that you see your husband every day.....I don't have to see my guy....and so maybe that is easier for me? I don't know? I do know that I can't even physically go near where he lives....I feel nauseous. I took everything that he gave me...pictures, gifts, etc....and put them under my bed. I just couldn't look at them. However, I did send him an e-mail the other night asking, "Why?" At first I was ashamed at what I had done, but another member reassured me that it is completely normal to know why an "abuser" violated you.
