How much time do I need to give counselling a chance to work before I make a decision regarding my marriage. My H revealed his affair 6 wks ago and have been to counselling 5 times since then. The problem is we can't move forward b/c he still sees this woman everyday (they work together). I can deal w/ a work relationship...but I can't deal w/ any other social interaction, which happens to take place. I'm stuck, or rather he's stuck and I feel that he's forcing me to make a decision. thoughts?
You said<<< I can deal w/ a work relationship...but I can't deal w/ any other social interaction, which happens to take place.>>>
Why is he having contact with her outside of a work relationship? What does your MC say?
If he refuses to end all work-related contact with her then its up to you to decide if this is something you can live with or if this is a "dealbreaker" as far as reconcilitaion. Some things are negotible and some are not. Its up to you to decide which this one fits into.
Its your choice and your choice alone what you will tollerate and what you will not.
Best of luck,
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Sep 7, 2005 4:26 PM
I would also ask what kind of toll this is taking on your health and energy for living your healthy life?
I found that when I was obsessing about his philanderings I really could not think straight or live my life; my whole life was wrapped up in his life and whether or not I could trust him. It was no way to live for me...my god, I was a wreck. And, really, we can never control another person's behavior. When I questioned my X about one thing, he would just find a way around it and go to something else. I think it was a sick game for him, figuring out how he could outsmart me. And I was willing to stoop low enough to spy, snoop, stay awake nights wondering if he was lying, and feel hopeless because he didn't love me enough to be faithful. So, I was as caught up in the sick behaviors as he was. Well, it took me a long time to realize he was not interested in being loyal, pure and simple, and anything I tried to do was never going to change that. In my case the only thing I could do was hold my head up, not lose my cool, and tell him good-bye.
Everyone has to decide how they are going to handle the situation, but I think that keeping your sanity and self-esteem needs to be high on the list.
Many good wishes to you, and strength. Keep posting here, lots of people care about you.
I understand your H and OW work together. It is hard to tell from the way your worded the question, but are you saying that he sees the OW socially, not just at work, or at social events that are work related? Anything outside of actual work is unacceptable and needs to stop. If he refuses to stop then he has made a choice, and it is not your marriage. I have read many books and some WS's just don't want to be the "bad guy" and end things, so they get the BS to do it. Basically, they are cowards. I hope this is not the case, as it is hard to know someone's heart or thoughts. What does your counselor have to say about it? The MC needs to address the issues and get your H to talk about it.
It seems like a lot of these things start in the workplace.My H says that he no longer works with the OW but I don't know for sure,as his work is an hour away and I've only been there once or twice. I find it terribly hard to let him go to work knowing that she could be there. I really believe that I will never get past this unless he is able to leave there. I have told him this and he is wavering back and forth on the subject. Have you discussed him leaving his job?I know sometimes it may not be an immediate option but I believe it would be for the best.
