Just when you think things are going well.....My H went out last night with one of his old friends,which in itself is not unusual but this friend in particular is a drinking buddy. I know that when he goes out with this guy that when he leaves he is my husband when he comes back he is someone else alltogether.And all this is due to an even older friend,alcohol. I don't want to give anyone the wrong impression about this,my H has drank since the day I met him. He never hid it and most of the time we function well in spite of it.I even like to drink with him on occasion,but there are times like last night when the alcohol brings someone out in him that doesn't like anyone or anything and he says very hurtful things and doesn't care how I feel. It's at these times that I am closest to leaving him even though I love him. I even realize why he drinks,he drinks because it lets him get away from reality and be someone else,he can take all his frustrations and anger out on me and in his eyes it will all be okay because it is not him that's hurting me,the next morning is always the same,he doesn't quite remember what he said to make me upset but he knows that I am hurt and in his own weird way he tries to make up for it.It's almost like a double life. I know I can't make him stop drinking,only he can do that and I don't know what it would take to make him want to. After all drinking makes him uninhibited and gives him release,I really understand that as I have felt like that about alcohol on occasion.Anyway the weekend is coming up and for some reason those are always hard on me, I think a lot on the weekends,but I hope everyone has a good one.

Amy

Hi Amy,

I was married before and my ex-husband was a drinker.....actually, he is an alcoholic. I met him when I was 16 years old and he drank....he stayed "dry" for about 10 years after the birth of our first child, but after our divorce he became a full-blown alcoholic....drinking about a mickey of vodka per day. He is in AA now and has been sober for 5 months....I am really proud of him. He has come a long way. When we were very young and he was drinking, he was exactly like your husband...and so I know exactly what you are going through. Actually, he may have been worse because he would often take extreme temper tantrums and wreck the whole house apart. Your husband may or may not be an alcoholic, but it sounds reasonable to say that his drinking is causing you pain......have you considered going to an Alanon meeting? It is for people that live with and love people whose drinking is causing problems in the family....it helps them to cope and understand the situation. I think you can contact AA to find out? Or maybe look in the phone book?

When we were dating my H went through that wrecking the house thing. I used to say it did no good to buy anything for the house that was breakable because it wouldn't stay long,one night was particularly bad and I did end up leaving and going to stay with my parents for the night and on the way back home the next morning I had a very bad car accident that by the grace of God was not fatal.Since that night he has never threw those kind of temper tantrums again.Now it is only verbal. I guess that is better but still not good. But since this is something I have been dealing with for quite some time I have become accustomed to it and I know how to deal with it although I know one shouldn't beocme accustomed to something like that. I really beleive that alcohol has played a huge part in his affair also,it enables him to cheat without taking responsibility.

I see red flags everywhere in your post, Amy. I'll admit I may be oversensitive to the combo of infidelity, alcholol, physical violence, and Jekyll/Hyde personalities. However, before your situation improves, I see people taking a big risk of getting seriously hurt. You can't reason with alcohol. It's a mugs game. Trust me on that. I found out the hard way. Alcohol is a bitch goddess. Tough to compete with a mistress like that.

Has your H ever shoved, pushed, or slapped you, Amy? You don't have to answer that, of course. I'm just raising the issue.

I hope you get to talk to some people who know something about life with a "heavy drinker". It's not something that a person can deal with alone.

That's what I see Amy.


Alcoholism
Adultery
Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde
Breaking things

There will be worse incidents. That's my best guess. My X began with breaking things, and eventually this started to include me.

Alcoholism is progressive like an approaching train wreck.

I lived with all of this. His choice was no treatment. My choice was eventually divorce.

"I even realize why he drinks,he drinks because it lets him get away from reality and be someone else,he can take all his frustrations and anger out on me and in his eyes it will all be okay because it is not him that's hurting me,the next morning is always the same,he doesn't quite remember what he said"

I'll have to agree with Quinn and RW here. Also wanted to say that just because you drink to feel good sometimes doesn't mean that it is okay for him to drink if he gets abusive. The two are completely separate things. I know that for my ex when he drank far too much sometimes he would try to use my drinking sometimes, and never to an extreme like him, as an excuse to why he should be able to do it too. My ex didn't get abusive as a drunk but he did get pretty stupid and hard to deal with. The fact that he feels he needs to get away from reality when he knows that he gets abusive when he does so is a serious issue, and I'm sure you've told him how abusive he was/is. It would make me feel like he didn't give a crap about me and my mental health. I hope things get better for you.

Charlie