It's been 4 months for me since d-day. My husband of 30 years had 2 affairs. I posted a lot in the beginning then stopped. I've checked in on occasion and read but that was it. I guess I quit posting for a few reasons. I got very busy with school--I'm a teacher. I also was afraid that to keep writing about it would just add fuel to the problem, keeping it alive longer than it might otherwise. And third, I felt guilty for not making enough progress in my own mind, and that I'd be letting you guys down or you would get tired of listening to me complain about the same old things.

Well, we've been in MC and I'm in individual counseling. I'd hoped counseling would give me answers. It doesn't. It gives me insight, but not answers. But what this site gave me was someone who truly understood my feelings because they've been there. When I say that the anger still bubbles up out of nowhere, I know you not only understand, but have felt it too. You know the hurt firsthand. The triggers are everywhere. No matter how hard my husband tries to make me feel loved and valued, I still hurt, I still cry, I still struggle. And you get it. Thanks for being here.

Angela

Angela,

You're right, we DO get it. I think lots of us have taken a break from the boards at one time or another. I know I did when I thought we were "back on track" and again when I just couldn't stand to talk about it again.

What I've always loved about this site is that there are SO many different situations to draw from, there's almost always someone who has been through something much the same. For me, just knowing that someone REALLY knew what it was like to go through an affair was so comforting - all the advice I got here didn't come from a book or a lecture, it came from the heart.

Having said all of that... you know the drill - it takes TIME. You won't believe at this time next year how badly you felt a year ago... It really does get better. Stick around and post!

Monica

This is your life. Are you who you want to be? ~ Switchfoot

Well in my humble opinion there is only one way through the pain, and that is to live it and not bury it. The boards have helped me tremendously over the past 3 years to the point now where I come back to pay it forward.

I rarely think about the affair or the subsequent seperation. I am single and relatively healthy, happy and well adjusted. I think it is quite normal to "wallow in pain" when you first find out and beyond for a number of years, whether you stay together or seperate. But I think that is a necessary part of healing, going through all the steps: denial, anger, grief, acceptance, etc.

It is common to experience those steps and keep going back to some of them. I experienced anger many many times over even while I was grieving the loss of my relationship. Even after I accepted what had happened I kept going back to that anger.

Working through, not going around is the best path. After all what do you do if you go to counselling about anything........talk talk talk.

I remember posting, years ago, while in a full panic attack dealing with... a missing pair of shoes.... how's that for foolish.

One of the members - a seasoned 'veteran' took the time to post back and aleviated my fears and her gentle albeit direct touch put me back on my path.

The dialogue we start by posting, IMO, may help ease the pain because we are reaching out to someone in cyber space who can not only relate but has walked in our shoes and at times will take our hand and walk with us. The irrationality (?)of some of my old posts faintly resonates still to this day and the gentle wacks of our communal 2x4 was at time welcomed!!! it showed me that strangers cared - and altho the task appeared insurmountable at times others had reached the other side.

That is why to this day, 7 years+ after d-day I am still reading and posting and paying it forward...

The wallowing in the murk is 'normal' - however staying 'there' for the sake of it is not. That's why 'old timers' IMO are helpful. There is LIFE after an affair. It may not be the same dream we had at the beginning of our journey, it may be a different outcome - but we all come out of this if not whole at least empowered - knowing we ARE the captain of our ship.



And as you walk you make your path Kat

Wallowing is a solitary activity. Posting here isn't.

Angela, it sounds as if you're on a path that works for you.

The sad truth is no one can GIVE us answers. We have to FIND answers for ourselves. IMO, counseling AND "talking it out" with experienced people is an unbeatable combination. You've expressed two "truths": you have to redirect your thinking AND process your feelings. It sounds as if the "insight" from the counselor helps with redirecting your thinking more than with processing your feelings.

No one will look down on you for coming here to express and to sort out your own feelings.


Chris.

""""No one will look down on you for coming here to express and to sort out your own feelings.""""

Let me add to this. Your eventual insights to what has happened to you will be invaluable to others here and a lot sooner than you think.

Kat said<<<The wallowing in the murk is 'normal' - however staying 'there' for the sake of it is not.>>> I couldn't have said it better.

You've taken alot of positive steps forward in a very short time Angela. Even the steps backwards can be positive if you recoginize them for what they are...a part of the journey through this. Be kind to yourself.

I'm glad you posted again. I was wondering how you were.

Regards,

Tex

I am so glad to see your on the way to healing. I have thought of you often and it's nice to see your name again. Do you know why I come here? Because no matter how I try to explain it to anyone else, unless you've been in this situation, you have no idea what it feels like. I know people can empathize with my situation, but until your faced with something like this you really don't know what you'll do, so sometimes they don't know what to say or how to help.

I, knowing this, come here because if I can help someone else, then that's time I spend on something other than my own problems. I can look around and see that life is as equally hard on others as it is on me, I am not alone.

Somedays, I do wallow, somedays I lounge in my sorrow like it was a hottub on a cool spring morning. But it does seem to me now that it's getting harder to hold onto the anger and misery, it's easier to just let it go. The why's and what ifs don't have a hold on my every thought anymore. Acceptance was far harder than forgiveness for me, but I am accepting more everyday. It is what it is, I accept that and I move on, no matter how bad I want it to, the past will not change.

All of this is a choice for me now. I can look and see only the good, or I can look and see only the bad. I can let this one thing stop me dead in my tracks or I can keep going forward, it's my choice.

Take Care and know that your right where your supposed to be.
Cynthia

Hi Angela! I'm new here but I think that posting here can be a big help. It is a safe outlet for the pain, anger, & shock that my H has caused. I have learned alot this past week by reading the other posts & the suggestions that have been offered to me. The people here give me a look into what everyone else has gone thru or is going thru. I don't have to be ashamed at my situation . Yes, I wallow in my pain alot BUT I think that I would be wallowing in it more if I hadn't found this site. I think that dealing with all of this alone would cause my mind to spiral alot more out of control. In fact I know it would. And a few times when I have felt like I was wallowing in self-pity, I just turned off the computer for an hr. or so & dealt with the housework! Best of luck to you!

..I might have gone over the edge. Whether that be with anger, depression....simply staying in the muck/myre in which I've been wallowing. I'm still not out, but at least my chin's above it.

Without the ability to express my feelings (I have nobody to talk to about this) and get positive feedback that - at the very least - I'm not going cazy...well, I don't know what I would have done. But I shudder at the thought.

These are good people in this forum...good people who are giving back from their pain or the pain they've caused to help those of us in need. Just that thought alone helps to ease my pain.

Angela
No one is going to get "tired" of hearing your pain and anguish. You feel what you feel. You'll get acceptance and probably maybe some gentle nudging at times. This is what we are all here for - why we stick around. We know what it feels like, how much it hurts. And we are your cheerleaders as well. We'll celebrate your victories, large or small.

Rebuilding is a long road and not a straight one from everything I have read here and elsewhere. You have a chance to do that. Some of us never had that chance - our spouses never allowed us a chance to try. You know what you have to build on in your relationship, and you have a chance to build it stronger. But the hurt of what happened doesn't just go away. You have to feel it to get through it - and you don't just do it once and have it done with - Oh no!. It'll keep coming back until your heart works thru it.

Stay in touch and know that others are rooting for you. -Rob

"Focus on what you have, not what you have lost"

>>Does posting help ease the pain or help us wallow in it?<<

To me, wallowing is when you truly are beyond the intense feelings but deliberately draw yourself back into them for some reason. IMHO, most people a couple of good days and are tempted to jump to the conclusion that they have magically recovered.

Does posting help ease the pain? For me, it depends. It can help me to feel less isolated. It can give me a little satisifaction believing that I might write something that someone else will recognize. IMHO, venting is probably overrated although at certain times, it sure beats the hell out of breaking furniture. I think insight is probably overrated too. Insight can help but insight is just insight if it doesn't help bring about something other than more insight.

I also think that posting can be a very healthy way of expressing certain kinds of emotions, such as shame, grief, and anger. I don't necessarily mean that ranting whenever you're angry is good therapy. I mean writing about it to try to put it into perspective can help. On a forum like this one, you're very likely to run into someone who is (or has) felt the same thing.

Or, to put it another way, I think that trying to supress certain emotions (such as shame, grief, and anger) can make them worse. Probably everyone has had the experience of being annoyed by one person but saying nothing and only later taking it out on someone who wasn't involved. There surest way to find out what kinds of things make you and your family most bothersome than to look for the things that everyone has agreed not to talk about.

I know exactly how you feel. I haven't posted in awhile for that very reason. There are times I feel like talking about it and times that I cannot stand to even think about it. When things are "going well" I don't want to post because it makes me think about how it was in the beginning when I first found out. I realize though that it is healing to post about it when I do feel like talking just because I know that whoever is reading it has been through or is going through the same thing. No matter how much support you have it doesn't help unless you talk to someone who has been there and felt the same way. Good luck with everything.

Amy

Thanks to all of you for all the kind words and support. It's nice to know I was missed! You also have said some things that have me thinking.

Rob, you're right that I am fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to try and rebuild my relationship with my husband. He really seems to want it and for that I am grateful. Tex, you said I have taken some very positive steps and Chris, you said I had to learn to process the information I gleen from my insights.

Well, I wasn't so sure about the positive steps at first but as I read I did start thinking about an insight I had at the counselor's office yesterday. When I first found out about the A I made a battle plan for myself. I worked out in my head exactly what I would do, where I would go, etc. if I found I could not go on in my marriage. Then I would be sure that if I stayed it would not be out of fear of not being able to make it on my own. (I never realized what a control freak I am!) Anyway, I had told my husband and the individual counselor that I go to, early on, that I didn't know if I would stay or go. Well, yesterday as I talked to the counselor he made a remark about something saying, "Whether you leave your husband or you stay with him ...". Well, that remark really blindsided me. (Here comes the processing part) I forgot about that comment and how it surprised me until I started reading today what some of you had said to me. It was then and there that I knew I'd turned a corner without even realizing it. I DON'T plan on leaving him! Yes, I'm still hurt and I still get angry and I still grieve over what was lost, but I'm in this for the long haul. I want us to make it and leaving isn't in my thinking anymore.

WOW! THANK YOU,THANK YOU, THANK YOU! AND I KNOW MY HUSBAND WILL THANK YOU WHEN I SHARE THIS WITH HIM! I wish I could give you all a big hug and kiss!

Angela

Uh Oh! I just reread my letter. I know I've been depressed over my situation. Do I add manic to it now?

Jus kidding! (I think!)

Angela: It is great when you know which direction you want to go and are happy about it besides. That is a gift, IMHO. Rebuilding takes lots of effort and most of that effort means a person has to look at themselves and then at the relationship. Sounds as if you are doing just that. Hats off to you girl, I hope every day is filled with progress for you and your H. Keep us posted.

Judy

Angela said, "When I first found out about the A I made a battle plan for myself. I worked out in my head exactly what I would do, where I would go, etc. if I found I could not go on in my marriage. Then I would be sure that if I stayed it would not be out of fear of not being able to make it on my own."

Boy, I like this thinking. That was good insight. You should already know that you will be ok, no matter what. I don't see this as control. I see this as quality self preservation.

H2C

Thanks H2C, thanks Judy. Your words mean alot.

Angela