WoW! This is the first time in a long time that I have actually had a few clear thoughts. Now mind you, I am smart enought to know that I will spend many more days crying & being confused BUT I will take this moment of calm as a gift. Tex, I owe alot of this to you for chatting with me tonite. I needed to hear that maybe my H is a good guy that just did something really wrong. On the other hand , I might be the biggest fool around. He came home from his temp. job at the coast, long enough to see the kids & I, take me to the grocery store & Blockbuster. Now he has headed back to the coast to work till probably 1AM or later. Then, he will get a few hrs. sleep, work some more & get back here in time for our 10 yr. old daughter's last soccer game & pizza party. Mind you, it's a 1 1/2 hr. trip each way. It says alot that he came home this evening just to take me to the store & see the kids & I. Tex, I tried to talk to him for the short time we had together.I told him that I don't want to seperate. He said that he also wanted to stay , so that we can spend time together to work things out. I admitted to him that part of me had wanted him to leave as revenge(make him worry, feel bad) & that I was sorry for that. Tex, I asked him if the daycare children caused him to feel that he wasn't getting enough attention, etc. & he said "no". Then I asked him if he was unhappy before & if that's why he had the affair. He said he didn't think that we was unhappy back then. He still says that he doesn't know why he had the affair. He does agree that he needs to figure out why. I am having problems driving myself crazy! As I've mentioned in my other posts, H was never good at sharing his feelings, opening up,etc. The problem is that now I want him to be open & bare his soul to me. How do we compromise? My logical side knows he can't just change BUT I have this need to be close & share everything. What to do?
Give him a little time to figure it out. Ever do anything wrong and can't figure out why on earth you did it? It takes awhile to do some Soul searching.
He does sound like a good guy to me. He needs to believe it about himself though.
Stay strong Barb
Tex
This message has been edited by TexMac64 on Nov 5, 2005 11:53 PM
Good point Tex! I never thought about H having to feel good about himself. I was too busy hating him & telling him how rotten he is. I thought the whole purpose was to make him feel terrible about what he's done,so that he would feel remorseful & never want to do it again. That, & I wanted (& still want) him to pay for what he's done. WOW, talk about honesty! Now, that hurts to admit & to reread. Yet, if I push away the tears & pain for a minute(which I have tonite) than what I have just said is true. I don't think I've been doing it on purpose ,but deep down under layers of my soul, it's there. I think most of what I've said to him has been my true feelings mixed with unbearable pain , sorrow, & shock BUT I can also admit that I wanted to hurt him back. Make him feel like less than a person.Make him pay for not loving me & treating me & valueing me like he should have,like he must from now on.
