Hi everyone,

I found this support forum shortly after discovering of my wife's affair, now roughly six weeks ago. Reading and learning (through books mainly) has been helping a bit to understand what Im going through, but the anxiety, depression, and overwhelming sense of loss and confusion is getting to the point where I need another release. Maybe writing in here about my story will help me cope.

I'll be 29 in a few months. My wife Brooke recently turned 25. We met 7 years ago, and 2 years ago were married. We were eachothers first real love, as well as first sexual experience (for us both). This experience had galvanized in us a sense of having a sacred union, something very special. I had vowed that I was going to reward the first girl that gave me a true chance at her heart with happiness and undying love. Looking back on my views (up until I discovered the truth) about marriage and love, I now see my old self as naive and idealistic. My former views are sadly now replaced with bitterness and cynicism.

Like most of us, there are a number of issues that have challenged us during our marriage, but for the most part, I look back on our times together with a smile. We even have collages of pictures we put together each year that would make anyone think they are looking at a perfectly happy couple. But the problems are there.

My wife Brooke has suffered from depression (mostly heriditary), and what my mom tells me is BPD (borderline personality disorder). Of course, this hasnt been a clinical diagnosis, and is coming from a biased source (my mom, who happens to be an LMFT with a fair amount of knowledge in the area). She's also had a hard time reaching out and making connections with her own friends and really hasnt established her own life outside our life as a couple. Its sad but I am hard pressed to name even one person outside her family that she is more than just a casual acquintance with (or now lives somewhere distant).

By contrast, for the past five years, Ive been into a sport which requires my absense for roughly one weekend a month, for 6-8 months a year. Ive built many friends and connections through this sport, and only recently (before I discovered about the affair) had I decided to give it a rest, for personal reasons, one being to focus on the relationship.

There was always an underlying sense of bitterness that Brooke had about this thing that I had in my life that gave me so much fulfillment and satisfaction. I knew this to some degree (although not to the degree that Ive come to know now). And there was also a sense of bitterness and resentment that I had in her, for not being able to find her own fulfillment outside our relationship. A fulfillment that I hoped would in turn heal the gap that she felt when I left.

When I did come back from these weekends, I made it a point to spend every free moment with her, planning something fun, or doing nothing at all together. When I got the courage to ask if I could go out with my own friends, Id feel horrible about it, knowing she'd be alone at the house, feeling depressed that I had left. So rarely did I ever go out. I ignored my friends.

So, we went on in this dysfunction for the most part of the marriage. After Brooke got out of college with her masters degree in finance, she fell into a bad depression as her job search went from the expected 3-4 months, to over a year, to finally, I landed her a great paying job at my company as a Supply Demand Analyst. Things were looking better for us. Her depression got much better (although not completely gone) and her self esteem shot up rapidly as she found herself being successful.

Enter the other guy. My wife had been hired along with one other person, a young man around my same age (and roughly same looks) that had come for the job from out of town. At first, Brooke would say to me that she hated this guy, that he always tried to make her look bad in front of her boss. I sympathized with her, and any suspiscions I had about infidelity (which were perhaps only a distant spark) faded away into complete oblivion. over time, her stance about the guy seemed to soften, and we would even go out to lunch together along with a few other people (being as we all work at the same place, and inter-departmental lunches are commonplace). I personally got along with the guy, and we even joked around at times.

Since Brooke landed the job, we were planning to move closer to work in a few months, and things were (at least in my own mind) getting better for us. Then it hit. One weekend morning, out of the blue, Brooke said that she thought maybe it would be a good idea if we were to move out into separate places, just so she could have some space to find her own things, her own fulfillments. As if this alone didnt shock me, she also mentioned tht she might like to date a few other people. As much as I hated the idea, I was now seeing a way out of the dysfuncction and the feelings of resentment I had. My end goal was always to stay in the relationship, and if this was going to eventually make our relationship together stronger, I would accept it. The fears I had about her dating other men were wayed, because in my own mind, nobody else would put up with the issues she would bring into a new relationship. The plan was for me to let her look around, and then come back, with both of us the better for it.

I was wrong. When she had approached me about moving out, the affair had been going on for two months. While I had been working late (a large project was happening at the time) she had been off Salsa dancing and having sex with him. While I thought she was out with her department as a group for lunch, she was having lunchtime quickies at his place (a few miles away). While I was away for the one weekend a month, they would be together. The lies were everywhere.

Anyhow, Im not sure if Im up for writing any more tonight as its getting late, but there is so much more that I want to get off my chest. As it stands now, she's said she wants to give us another chance (she's even moved back in), but the emotional affair hasnt stopped, and its becoming more and more apparent that she doesnt have the capability or will to end it in that regard. As you can imagine, the situation at work is nearly unbearable. Despite the depth of my love for her, I dont know if I can forgive her if this goes on for much longer.


Mike

I'm sorry that you had to come looking for us, but welcome to a safe place to discuss what is going on in your life with people who have been there. We know the pain.

Firstly, if you are using your real names, you might want to change them on your post. You can do this by clicking on "edit message" at the bottom. Down the road someone who knows both you and your wife may have a need to find this site too. They may see your real names and then may expose your innermost thoughts to the world. If you are using ficticious names, never mind.

Regarding the emotional attachment that your wife has for the OM (other man), it will take a while for her to come out of the fog. Try to step back and look at this from a practical sense. She had to be emotionally attached to him in order to do what she did. It takes time for her to emotionally seperate from him. Is this fair to you? No, but it is a reality that both of you will have to adjust to and deal with. It will be nerve racking. It took my wife of 31 years several weeks to get out of the fog with OM. (My story is on the very last page of the member's forum.) Counseling really helped my wife see things clearer although it took several sessions.

You might want to check into individual counseling for you and especially your wife from what you have described about her depression and possible disorder. Be weary of "marriage counselors". Although they may have good intentions they tend to not validate the betrayed person's level of pain which will only make things worse between you and your wife. Most MCs don't know how to deal with infidelity. Its like applying basic first aide when brain surgery is needed.

You are gonna being going through some tough times with this. Remember to take care of yourself. Eat, exercise, try to sleep. It will feel like your mind and heart are sceeming at each other. This is what we call the roller coaster ride from hell. Your wife will be on her own roller coaster as well. The first few months will be just about survival, just trying to get through day to day. Seemingly easy tasks may become over whelming under the infidelity umbrella. So, you have to train yourself to focus, minute to minute, hour to hour, then day to day, but you will get through it. It will get better. It is possible that your marriage will be better and stronger.

Keep reading here and keep writing to us we will help you get through this no matter how it turns out. Check out the helpful links, other resourses, books etc. on the forum.

Wish you well, H2C

Hi Mike,
I'm so sorry that you had to find us, and I'm sorry to hear about your wife's ongoing affair.
Do what you can to protect yourself. Get into individual counseling (IC), go see a doctor if you are having trouble sleeping and/or are getting depressed. Try to keep going out with friends, even if you choose not to tell them what is going on. Basically, the message is to care for yourself! It sounds like, in many ways, you've been Brooke's caretaker, sometimes to the exclusion of your own needs. Now is the time to put yourself first and get what you need in terms of emotional and phsyical well-being.
Don't rush into any decisions. You don't need to decide now, or in six months, or even a year what you want to do re: your marriage.
Good luck and hang in there.
jess

>>my mom tells me is BPD (borderline personality disorder). Of course, this hasnt been a clinical diagnosis, and is coming from a biased source (my mom, who happens to be an LMFT with a fair amount of knowledge in the area)<<

Professional therapists rarely throw around terms like "BPD" without giving it some serious thought. I believe my X has a personality disorder, perhaps histrionic. At the very least, she shows many symptoms. In my experience, living with someone with a personality disorder will wear you down to the point that you don't realize how worn down you've become.

Perhaps the general rule of thumb is that, during affair recovery, we should try not to question our spouse's mental health, to diagnose them, or to "label" them. Rather we should assume that our spouses are not evil or mentally ill and we should "work on ourselves". Unfortunately, that approach can leave a person very vulnerable if there spopuse DOES have a serious mental illness such as BPD. Affair recovery is very stressful and it will tend to exaggerate some of the symptoms of a personality disorder. In my humble opinion, you are very lucky that you have a family member who is a professional, mental health expert. Your mother could be a tremendous resource for you. That kind of support is priceless.

I would be wondering about some things like your wife's relationship with her own mother, whether she was abused as a child, whether she has a drinking or drug habit, ... etc. Has your mother mentioned any of these kinds of issues?

Thanks for all your support and responses. Last night we all but decided to throw in the towel after I found yet another email she had thought was hidden from me, to the OM, stating "Good things to come soon". She essenially admitted that she wants to stay in the marriage for the time being as an insurance policy while she figures out if this guy really is serious about her. Yeah, right. I am so tired of being stepped on. I dont deserve this.

One thing that I will point out before I have to try and focus on work today is that her mother had an affair, causing the breakup of her family. I had always thought this would make her more resistnat to infidelity, seeing the damage that can result from an affair first hand. But I've learrned now it actually makes her more prone to the same behavior.

More to come.

Mike
I'd like to reinforce the recommendations about not making any quick decisions no matter how bad the situation looks. I'm sorry you need to be here. Infidelity is the worst pain I've ever experienced and it makes you crazy. It is like a runaway train and you need to find a way to slow it down.
Having an outside party to talk to the two of you can help immensely to get things sorted out and find some clarity for both of you. Your W is in the fog of a new relationship. It is not unusual for her to be thinking about a long term relationship with the OM. That may or may not change, but you both need some help. Find a trained marriage counselor to help with this. Whether you end up together or going in separate directions, it needs to come as the result of a considered desicion which you sit with over time before acting.
In the meantime, follow the advice about sleep, eating, exercise. You have suffered a trauma and are likely still in shock, whether you realize it or not. I wish you strength.
-Rob

"Focus on what you have, not what you have lost"

I'm new here too(found the site a week ago) & I have learned so much just talking my way thru this mess & listening to what others have to offer.I am 45 & my life started falling apart about a yr. ago when I started suspecting that my H was having an affair with his ex-secretary. I have spent the last 12 months in pure hell (crying everyday)& I finally found out about 5 weeks ago that yes, he did have an affair. I have never hurt so much in my whole life. You hang in there Mike. In some ways I am alittle like your wife. My whole life revolves around my H. He has lots of friends, I really have none. I wanted him to spend lots of time with me.He was a wonderful H. We always said that we didn't believe in cheating & would never hurt each other. Always said how lucky we were to be together. I still don't know what the outcome of this will be. He wants to work things out. I will never trust him again. I now have no self-esteem & think about H & the OW all the time & I cry everyday. My H says he has no idea why he did what he did. I am having a big problem with this & his job is to figure out why he did it. We will all get thru this mess somehow.I mainly mourn the life that I had, the marriage that I thought I had. 16 years together & now this. I am mourning the death of my life as I knew it.I am going to TRY to start focusing more on myself.Take care of myself & hopefully find some self-esteem along the way.Isn't it sad how you can love someone so very much & they can turn around & hurt you like you've never been hurt before? Anyway Mike, Hang in there & know that this is a safe place to release all Your thoughts & feelings. Hopefully there are better times ahead for all of us

Its been theraputic to hear about other peoples similar experiences. Thank you so much for sharing, it helps!

My wife's affair had been going on for about 4 months before I found out. During about two months of this time, we had already been going to MC (this started immediately after she had mentioned wanting to move out, which prompted me to take action and seek therapy). Brooke had also mentioned a desire to also go to individual therapy, and I agreed it might be beneficial. Little did I know, this was to discuss her affair. Unfortunately, our MC was less than qualified and did NOT have a no secrets policy (something I was unaware existed until after the affair) Thankfully we are now seeing a "real" MC). This person took our money knowing full well there was something undermining our relationship that was being withheld.

Two months after beginning therapy, we had moved out into separate places and had been living apart for two weeks, all this as part of the "therapy" that I believed was needed in order to heal the relationship. What was troubling is, I was under the impression that although moved out, we would still be seeing alot of eachother. By alot I mean perhaps 3 to 4 days per week. It wasnt what I had imagined it would be like, and suddenly there was a degree of disconnect that was unexpected and left me lonely and confused. When I confronted her about my feelings one night, about how much I truly loved her and wanted this to work out, she could no longer bear the guilt of withholding the lies. Jumping out of bed as I was whispering loving things to her, she burst out into a crying frenzy yelling "Honey, Ive been having an affair, and I have an STD."

As if the first statement wasnt enough, she threw in that second. Ill never know why she didnt cushion it a bit more. I guess she wanted to get it off her chest so badly. She expected to be thrown out immediately.

Well I think that will be all for tonight. I can only stand to write bits at a time. We went to counseling again today, and are taking it one step at a time. I really dont know what tommorrow will hold. I love my wife and hate her at the same time. I want us to make it through this.

AND, shpefully you will. I think your own instincts to take it a day at a time is certainly a well thought thorough approach. I guess you have been checked out fot he STIs....some can be relly lethal...so do that first thing. Continue to share your life experiences and questions....the people on this form are the most supportive, nurturing, reality=based individuals I have had the pleasure to know. Best of luck with your situation.

Hi Mike,
Wow! That's a lot to go through.
Take things one day at a time -- otherwise it is all too overwhelming.
Get yourself checked/treated for the STD. Keep going to counseling. Individual counseling might be a good idea, too.
It is wonderful that you want to work things out with your wife, but she has to want that too. It doesn't sound to me like she knows what she wants at the moment. As hard as it might be, have you thought of going "no contact" with her for a while? Say, two weeks or so? That might give you both the time and space you need to get some clarity and perspective.
Hang in there!
jess

I am sorry you find yourself here but glad that you found such a safe and wonderful place to vent.

Rebuilding the marriage will only begin to take place once all contact with the OM has stopped. This may be quite an issue since by the sound of things they work together on a daily basis. As well it will only begin to take place when she starts to "get" what she has done and the damage she has caused and is truly sorry for hurting you (as opposed to being sorry she got caught).

Concentrate on you. Don't make rash decisions just yet. Eat, sleep and get plenty of exercise and don't stop activities you enjoy. Even if you have to paste that smile on your face, just keep doing them.

Being the babysitter or caregiver all the time is exhausting as Quinn said. So you need time to worry about how you feel, what you want and how you expect to be treated.

Welcome to the site. I am a bit under the weather so if my post doesn't make sense or seems short, that's why. Will write more later after a nap

Hugs
Hang in there
Kid

Barbarapat writes:
"Isn't it sad how you can love someone so very much & they can turn around & hurt you like you've never been hurt before?"

Doesn't it hurt us like nothing else could BECAUSE we love them so much? If we didn't care about them it wouldn't really hurt would it?

Angela

So at the beginning of last week things were really on edge. I had found another email from my wife to the OM, this after seemingly things were going ok, to the effect of "I think another boink is in order". She also had the guts to ask me if it would be OK if she slept with the OM "one last time". Of course, my reaction was that if that ever happened, our marriage and friendship would be over, and that I would find out about it one way or another. She goes from one extreme to the other so fast that come the end of the week, she hardly remembered what she had said.

Last Thursday night, she went to a "networking" dinner party, courtesy of the company we both work for. Being as I work within another branch of the company, I was not invited, however, being as the OM does, he was going to be there. I had verified the existence of this party, and given her precise instructions NOT to ride in the same car (as I had a feeling she would try) to the party.

After she got back, she confesses that they indeed did carpool to the party, her and him alone, and that they had "pecked" as a parting gesture when she dropped him off (later I beat it out of her that it had been more than a peck). The only thing that kept me from reaching the end of my rope after I heard this was a renewed feeling of "closure" between him and her that she had claimed to have found. Riding with him in the car she had said, reminded her of all the bad things she doesnt like in him, and he had apparently said some things to her that were not exactly sensitive to her situation. So, it seems that now at least, she has been more positive than ever in choosing to begin the healing process within our marriage. For the first time she has said with an air of certainty that she does not want to be with him.

Despite the additional revelation that the OM had been two-timing on my wife during the affair with another woman (in effect, two-timing a two-timer), my wife seems to still at times to be blinded by what he says to her, always some far off explanation of why he did this and that, but always some form of "you are the one". Apparently, the OM also minored in psychology, and this, coupled with his many experiences with women, enable him to know exactly how to play on the mind of a woman.

We have therapy tommorrow. The OM is out of town for two more days, then my wife and I are taking 9 days off for Thanksgiving. One day at a time.

Yes it is a nightmare. I am so sorry for you. I know how it feels. The hurt is going to be there whether you stay with her or not. I say give it all you have got. Make every attempt at reconciliation. If you do not try you may never know. Do get counseling, but try not to allow yourself to be a doormat. I let myself be a doormat and that only delayed my healing. The biggest help for me during the acute phase was prayer. I believe prayer changes things. It changed my husband's heart.
I still have so much more healing to do. Keep in touch.

Mike what really bothers me here is:

"The only thing that kept me from reaching the end of my rope after I heard this was a renewed feeling of "closure" between him and her that she had claimed to have found. Riding with him in the car she had said, reminded her of all the bad things she doesnt like in him, and he had apparently said some things to her that were not exactly sensitive to her situation. So, it seems that now at least, she has been more positive than ever in choosing to begin the healing process within our marriage."

To me this would be a serious issue. From what you've said it sounds like she only decided that OM is not good enough for her and so she'll take the next best thing. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings but does she want you or the convenience of being married? She lied to you and still rode with OM so she seems to be totally oblivious to your feelings about that. My ex husband did a lot of this type of manipulating to me and it took me a while to realize how little he cared for my feelings. Do you want to live with someone who chooses you b/c OM didn't work out? Do you want someone who lies and does things she knows will hurt you (ie riding in the car or asking to sleep w/OM one more time) Do you think she rode with OM so she could finalize it? Couldn't that have been done over the phone? It seems there are some serious issues with your wife and her not getting it at all. Does she have remorse for what she's done? Mike, your W has some serious issues here and if they are not dealt with, you will likely go through this again when she finds someone who she does want to be with. Do you want to go through this again?

"Despite the additional revelation that the OM had been two-timing on my wife during the affair with another woman (in effect, two-timing a two-timer), my wife seems to still at times to be blinded by what he says to her, always some far off explanation of why he did this and that, but always some form of "you are the one". Apparently, the OM also minored in psychology, and this, coupled with his many experiences with women, enable him to know exactly how to play on the mind of a woman."

I'm not sure I would be too concerned with OM's ability to play her mind but her ability to think what she's doing is just fine at your expense.

"We have therapy tommorrow. The OM is out of town for two more days, then my wife and I are taking 9 days off for Thanksgiving. One day at a time."

Mike, I know this is extremely painful for you. We've been there and lots of us have gone through denial before getting angry. I'm glad you will be going to therapy but make sure that this therapist takes the stance that your W needs to be totally honest NOW, go no contact with OM (regardless of whether or not this means losing her job or moving to another dept., have lots and lots of remorse (something someone can't make her have, BTW - it is there?), and say to your W that she should never ever have the "just get over it" attitude toward you. If you don't find a counselor that does insist on these things to help YOU recover, you may want to find one that does. Many of us here have gone through some real bad counselors but there are some good ones out there. If they are good at what they do, they won't have a problem with you questioning them about their theories on A (affair) recovery beforehand. It certainly is not easy to get over something of this magnitude and IMHO your wife isn't doing anything to help you, only stuff to still hurt you as if she thinks she has some sort of power over you. I could be wrong but it sounds that way from what you've written.

Charlie

You have something there. It's as though I am the next best thing and that concept if its true hurts deeply. On the plus side, I truly believe she is remorseful and has said so repeatedly that she made a big mistake. But she continues to hurt me. I have told her I want her to go no contact with the OM many times, but thats extremely difficult as she works right next to him, and although he now initiates most of the contact with her, the emotional ties she has with him as well as her weakness for his flattery and promises of a future together make this tough. Every time I set an expectation that is not met with her, I get hurt. Its yet another dissapointment piled on top of all of it. The OM keeps getting signals from her that lead him to believe that the "game" is still on
(at least, if she continues to flirt and act "cute" as has been the case now since they ended the physical part), and when we talk about it, she re-assures me that it is over and that that "he will leave soon" (the guy is interviewing for a new job over Thanksgiving, and I will be thankful if he gets it). I can only hope that this doesnt go on for much longer. I really dont think it will be truly over until one of us leaves this job.

Howdy Mike,

I'm sorry your update wasn't better news. I agree with Charlie on this. I know as BS we wanna believe its all the OP's fault. They are all manipulators etc. We don't want to believe our WS would do such a thing. The bottom line is she isn't doing anything she doesn't want too Mike. All the excuses in the world won't change that.

<<<I had verified the existence of this party, and given her precise instructions NOT to ride in the same car (as I had a feeling she would try) to the party.
After she got back, she confesses that they indeed did carpool to the party, her and him alone, >>>

You set a boundry and she broke it. What has she learned from that? There are no consequences.

<<< She also had the guts to ask me if it would be OK if she slept with the OM "one last time". >>>

WHAT??? And how is this helping reconcilitation? Does she feel this is not cheating if you asks you first? Then what? She expects you to wait around...in case?

Stop focusing on the OM. Your W is the one who made vows to you and she is the one who keeps breaking them.

Decide what your "dealbreaker" is Mike. One more email? One more carpool? Be prepared because the likilihood is there will be more contact...and more excuses.

I would definately bring this up in MC. Fight for yourself Mike. Without you there is no marriage to save.

Tex

"On the plus side, I truly believe she is remorseful and has said so repeatedly that she made a big mistake."

Mike

Do people who are remorseful ask to sleep with someone one more time? Do people who are remorseful get in cars with the other man when their husband knows and asks her not to?

Ask yourself this question. Am I wanting to believe she is remorseful because I want to have her in my life and can't imagine the thought of her not being there, or because I'm scared to be alone? I could definitely be wrong here Mike but I have to tell you that I WAS scared of being alone at first, I WAS scared of not being married b/c I was so used to it and we'd been married a long time. I was scared of financial security and lots more. I think we all have a "want" to trust our significant other but make sure you aren't trusting or even forgiving if she isn't worthy of it. It will only cause you more pain later on. She seriously needs to do everything in her power to win YOU back, not the other way around.

Charlie

""""She seriously needs to do everything in her power to win YOU back, not the other way around.""""

You should seriously listen to Charlie on this.

<<<You should seriously listen to Charlie on this.>>>

Yup. Definately listen to Charlie, Mike.

Great post Charlie

Tex

Thanks guys.

I just don't want anyone to go through any unnecessary pain like many of us have because of the continued lying and ignorance. That continued stuff has a more harmful affect than the original "mistake."

Charlie